Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

*CORPORATE SHAKE-UP*
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you'll love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel,feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new
CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a
wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business.  He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make
$400..00 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the
guy $1,600.00 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks pay.  Now GET OUT and
don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked,  "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[me]

[me]

Dog  For Sale
Free  to good home. Excellent guard dog.  Owner  cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more  drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.   Most  of them knew Jethro only by his  Oriental  street name, Ho Lee Schitt

[me]

              Do you need a laugh??

        What Religion is Your Bra?

         

         

         

    A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's

and shyly walked up to

the woman behind the counter and said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

' What type of bra?'

asked the clerk.


'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'

said the saleslady,

as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour

and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked

about the types.

The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic,

the Salvation Army,

the Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?'


Now totally befuddled,

the man asked about

the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

'It is all really quite simple.


The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

but couldn't figure out

what the letters stood for,

it is about time

you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there....
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen

and I can't get up!...


Send this to

all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra.


Holtzemfromfloppen

[The Troll]

  One day a big white rabbit hopped into his dentist office and hopped into the chair.  His dentist said what can I do for you today, Mr. Bunny Rabbit.  Well, the bunny rabbit said, one of my big white front teeth hurt and I would like for you to look at it.

  The dentist took a look and said, I doing it have to do a little drilling to see what is wrong.  I am going to put you to sleep.  What do you want Sodium Penathal or Ether.  The bunny rabbit said, well I don't want Sodium Penathal, I'm a Ether Bunny.

[Anne]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife repled, "The freak' funeral director would be my first guess...."

[LOsborne]

GUIDELINES FOR UNDERSTANDING "THE HOOSIER CULTURE"
For those of you who live in Indiana, this will be obvious.  To displaced Hoosiers, you may get homesick.

Know the State casserole;
The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup, and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be accepted.

Get used to food festivals;
The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. It is your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and buy at least one elephant ear.

Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die;
The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring-like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

Don't take Indiana place names literally;
If a town has the same name as a foreign city --- Valparaiso and Versailles , for example --- you must not pronounce them the way the foreigners do lest you come under suspicion as a spy.  Also, East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the state. South Bend is in the north. North Vernon is in the south. And French Lick isn't what you think either.

To sell something;
The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it.
The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.

Remember that Hoosiers are never the first to embrace trends,
When they do embrace them, they do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM INDIANA WHEN . . .
You think the state Bird's first name is Larry.
You can say "French Lick" without laughing out loud.
There's actually a college near you named "Ball State" to which you fondly refer as "Testicle Tech".
You know Batesville is the casket-making capital of the world . . . and you're proud of it.
You could never figure out spring forward-fall back, so let's just ignore Daylight Savings Time.
Your feelings get hurt whenever someone points out the acronym for Purdue University is PU.
You know multiple people who have hit a deer.
Down south means Kentucky.
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing Terre Haute.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You know what the phrase "knee-high by the Fourth of July" means.
You've heard of Euchre... you know how to play Euchre...and you are a master of Euchre.
You've seen a running car, with nobody in it, in the parking lot of the grocery store, no matter what time of year it is.
De-tassling was your first job. Bailing hay,your second. Or you could stack hay, swim in the pond to get clean and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops, all in the same barn lot on the same day.
You say things like "catty-wampus" and "catty corner" and know what they mean.
You install security lights on your house and garage, and then leave them both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car at all times.
You drink pop. You catch frogs at the crick. If you want someone to hear you, you holler at 'em.
You know that baling wire was the predecessor to duct tape.
You know that strangers are the only ones who come to your front door.
Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and in the back of pick up trucks.
You think nothing of driving on the roads and being stuck behind a farm implement in spring and fall, but hope it's not a hog truck or a manure spreader.
High school basketball games draw bigger crowds on the weekend than movie theaters, IF you have a movie theater.
Driving is better in the winter because the pot holes are filled with snow.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six for local sports.
You can see at least two basketball hoops from your yard.
You can name every one of Bobby Knight's exploits while at IU.
The biggest question of your youth was IU or Purdue.
Getting stuck by a train is a legitimate excuse for being late to school or work.
Everyone knows who the town cops are, where they live, and whether they're at home or on duty
You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival. And you took back roads to get there. Why sit in traffic?
To you, tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef, but is actually a big, salty, breaded and fried piece of pork served on a bun with pickle.

[Anne]

GUIDELINES FOR UNDERSTANDING "THE HOOSIER CULTURE"
For those of you who live in Indiana, this will be obvious.  To displaced Hoosiers, you may get homesick.

Know the State casserole;
The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup, and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be accepted.

Get used to food festivals;
The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. It is your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and buy at least one elephant ear.

Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die;
The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring-like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

Don't take Indiana place names literally;
If a town has the same name as a foreign city --- Valparaiso and Versailles , for example --- you must not pronounce them the way the foreigners do lest you come under suspicion as a spy.  Also, East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the state. South Bend is in the north. North Vernon is in the south. And French Lick isn't what you think either.

To sell something;
The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it.
The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.

Remember that Hoosiers are never the first to embrace trends,
When they do embrace them, they do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM INDIANA WHEN . . .
You think the state Bird's first name is Larry.
You can say "French Lick" without laughing out loud.
There's actually a college near you named "Ball State" to which you fondly refer as "Testicle Tech".
You know Batesville is the casket-making capital of the world . . . and you're proud of it.
You could never figure out spring forward-fall back, so let's just ignore Daylight Savings Time.
Your feelings get hurt whenever someone points out the acronym for Purdue University is PU.
You know multiple people who have hit a deer.
Down south means Kentucky.
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing Terre Haute.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You know what the phrase "knee-high by the Fourth of July" means.
You've heard of Euchre... you know how to play Euchre...and you are a master of Euchre.
You've seen a running car, with nobody in it, in the parking lot of the grocery store, no matter what time of year it is.
De-tassling was your first job. Bailing hay,your second. Or you could stack hay, swim in the pond to get clean and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops, all in the same barn lot on the same day.
You say things like "catty-wampus" and "catty corner" and know what they mean.
You install security lights on your house and garage, and then leave them both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car at all times.
You drink pop. You catch frogs at the crick. If you want someone to hear you, you holler at 'em.
You know that baling wire was the predecessor to duct tape.
You know that strangers are the only ones who come to your front door.
Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and in the back of pick up trucks.
You think nothing of driving on the roads and being stuck behind a farm implement in spring and fall, but hope it's not a hog truck or a manure spreader.
High school basketball games draw bigger crowds on the weekend than movie theaters, IF you have a movie theater.
Driving is better in the winter because the pot holes are filled with snow.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six for local sports.
You can see at least two basketball hoops from your yard.
You can name every one of Bobby Knight's exploits while at IU.
The biggest question of your youth was IU or Purdue.
Getting stuck by a train is a legitimate excuse for being late to school or work.
Everyone knows who the town cops are, where they live, and whether they're at home or on duty
You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival. And you took back roads to get there. Why sit in traffic?
To you, tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef, but is actually a big, salty, breaded and fried piece of pork served on a bun with pickle.

  Gotta love Indiana

[me]

Only a Farm Kid...



When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...




An Illinois farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.



"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."



"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"



"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."



"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"



"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."



The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.



"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."



"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'



The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[me]

What retired folks do....................





As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Schlumberg is such a person:



QUOTE FROM HAROLD
 
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and spirits into urine.

I do it every day and I really enjoy it.   

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

[The Troll]

What retired folks do....................





As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Schlumberg is such a person:



QUOTE FROM HAROLD
 
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and spirits into urine.

I do it every day and I really enjoy it.   

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

  That isn't a bad joke, it's a great joke.

   

[me]

  That isn't a bad joke, it's a great joke.

My uncle in Ohio sent that to me.  He may be in his 80's but he still maintains a great sense of humor.   

[me]

     

    John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

    After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

    'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got o n their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend..

    He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

    'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

    'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

    'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

    'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

    Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy .. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

    'She just died and left me everything.'


    (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled..now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

[me]

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE....
             

   A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.  Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.  She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time,
I will grant you each a wish.'
             
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.  The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
             
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.  I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.  So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years  old.

     The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female......

[Anne]

The four stages of life:

You believe in Santa Claus

You don't believe in Santa Claus

You are Santa Claus

You look like Santa Claus