Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[damfast]

What do you have when a group of republicans are up to their necks in concrete?
Not enough concrete



Tee Hee Hee.......

Now that thar's funny, I don care who ya are.

[me]

Who's the Father
Hard to believe!!!

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or
putting it another way...Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from
the forms. Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner
up. Five surely gets "most creative."



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was

fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of

child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.



2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was

being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can

provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party

if this helps.



3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was

conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had

unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex

was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father,

can you send me his phone number? Thanks.



4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a

BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.

Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations i n this area and see if

he's had it replaced.



5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am

awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was

immaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.



6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to

do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications

for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the

country. Please advise.



7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all look the same to me.



8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,

can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also

borned at the same time...well, I don't have clue.



9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney

World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .



10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember

for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.

If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at

8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.



11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like

when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.





Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to support these people!!!!!!!!!!!

[me]

THE OSTRICH

> A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
> The waitress asks them for their orders.
>
> The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
> ostrich,
> "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
> $9.40
> please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
> change for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
> hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
> Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
> waitress.
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
> salad," sa ys the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
>
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
> it on the table.
>
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
> How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
> pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
> found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
> two wishes.
>
> My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
> put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
> be there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
> million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
> for as long as you live!"
>
> That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
> money is always there ," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "What 's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
> chick with a big @ss and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[Heavy]

Subject: Tool definitions


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you tosay, "Yeou _ _ _..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel
wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than
any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes
used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to
make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

[IYT]

This is the funniest email joke I think I've ever gotten


The Smiths were unable to conceive children  and
decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day
the proxy father
was
> to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and
said, "Well, I'm
off
> now. The man should be here soon."
>
>  Half an hour  later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby
photographer
> happened  to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a
sale.
>  "Good morning,Ma'am"
>
>  "Good morning, come to..."
>
>  "Oh, no need to explain,"Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been
> expecting you."
>
>  "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did
you
> know babies are my specialty?"
>
>  "Well that's what  my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and
have
> a seat". After a  moment she
>  asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
>
>  "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on
the
> couch, and perhaps a couple on the
>  bed. And  sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really
> spread out  there."
>
>  "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work out for Harry
> and me!"
>
>  "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if
> we try several different positions and  I
>  shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the
> results."
>
>  "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
>  "Ma'am,  in my line of work a man has to take his
time. I'd love to
be
> in and  out in five minutes, but I'm
>  sure you'd be disappointed with  that."
>
>  "Don't I know it," said Mr s. Smith.
>
>  The  photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of
> his baby pictures. "This was done on the
>  top of a bus,"  he said.
>
>  "Oh, my Gosh!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at
her  throat.
>
>  "And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
when you consider
> their mother was so difficult to  work
>  with."
>
>  "She was difficult?" asked  Mrs. Smith.
>
>  "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to
the  park to get
the
> job done right. People were crowding
>  around four and  five deep to get a good look"
>
>  "Four and five deep?" said Mrs.  Smith, her eyes
wide with
amazement.
>
>  "Yes", the photographer  replied. "And for more
than three hours,
too.
> The mother was constantly  squealing
>  and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when
darkness approached
I
> had to rush my shots. Finally, when the  squirrels
began nibbling on
my
> equipment, I just had to pack it a ll  in.
>
>  "Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
actually  chewed on
> your, uh...equipment?"
>
>  "It's true, Ma'am,  yes.. Well, if you're ready,
I'll set-up my
tripod
> and we can get to work right away."
>
>  "Tripod ?"
>
>  "Oh yes,  Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on.  It's
> much too big  to be held in the hand very
>  long...."
>
>  Mrs. Smith  fainted....

[IYT]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg,
looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I
guess we finally answered THAT age old question!"


It took me a second to get that one.......

[sally]

what is a fish with two knees called?
































a two-knee fish

[Bo D]

Go to Google maps
Click on Get directions
Type in New York as starting point
Type in London as destination

Read line 24 in the instructions.

[Sandy Eggo]

Q: Why do hamburgers work out?
A: To get better buns

Q: What is the only nut that sneezes?
A: A cashewwwwwwwwwwww

Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke?
A: Because it will crack up

Q: How does a hamburger propose?
A: With an onion ring

Q: What did the mayo say to the fridge
A: Shut that door! I'm dressin'!


(as shared w/my by lil' Mojo  )

[damfast]

Go to Google maps
Click on Get directions
Type in New York as starting point
Type in London as destination

Read line 24 in the instructions.

too funny.

[me]

Widdle Wabbits

Widdle Wabbits

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

    As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."

[Natas]

Can you indentify this object?














Of course, you are right!
It's a Nappy Headed Hoe

[Mom]

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.





4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[Bo D]

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1)  Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2)  Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3)  Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

[Palehorse]

The River


Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.  Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.


Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.