Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[ladywrenn]

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN LADY...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

[me]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie , then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page re p ort on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct, " says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.. ."

"Now give me back my dog!!"

[me]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . 

They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate.)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Some

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do
you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

CLOSEST RELATIVE ? 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


***Old People Rock! ***

[me]

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD!
       I was shocked, confused, bewildered
>       As I entered Heaven's door,
>       Not by the beauty of it all,
>       Nor the lights or its decor.
>
>       But it was the folks in Heaven
>       Who made me sputter and gasp--
>       The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
>       The alcoholics and the trash.
>
>       There stood the kid from seventh grade
>       Who swiped my lunch money twice.
>       Next to him was my old neighbor
>       Who never said anything nice.
>
>       Herb, who I always thought
>       Was rotting away in hell,
>       Was sitting prett y on cloud nine,
>       Looking incredibly well.
>
>       I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
>       I would love to hear Your take.
>       How'd all these sinners get up here?
>       God must've made a mistake.
>
>       "And why's everyone so quiet,
>       So somber - give me a clue."
>       "Hush, child," He said, "they're all in shock.
>       No one thought they'd be seeing you."
>
>       JUDGE NOT.

[ladywrenn]

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD!
       I was shocked, confused, bewildered
>       As I entered Heaven's door,
>       Not by the beauty of it all,
>       Nor the lights or its decor.
>
>       But it was the folks in Heaven
>       Who made me sputter and gasp--
>       The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
>       The alcoholics and the trash.
>
>       There stood the kid from seventh grade
>       Who swiped my lunch money twice.
>       Next to him was my old neighbor
>       Who never said anything nice.
>
>       Herb, who I always thought
>       Was rotting away in hell,
>       Was sitting prett y on cloud nine,
>       Looking incredibly well.
>
>       I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
>       I would love to hear Your take.
>       How'd all these sinners get up here?
>       God must've made a mistake.
>
>       "And why's everyone so quiet,
>       So somber - give me a clue."
>       "Hush, child," He said, "they're all in shock.
>       No one thought they'd be seeing you."
>
>       JUDGE NOT.

[ladywrenn]

                              The Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted   to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,
     I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
                    Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
       I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
                    Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
       Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
                 Love, Vinnie

[me]

    REPLACEMENTWINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive,      double-pane, energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. 

Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

[ladywrenn]

My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time



Milking a cow!





hehehe! You sicko.

[me]

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later, the "The Clinton Co. Times", a local news paper in Albany, Ky. reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near Albany, Billy Bob Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Billy Bob has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone
wireless.

[Sandy Eggo]

I think I've known some "self taught" archaeologist but most of them care canines.

[me]

I think I've known some "self taught" archaeologist but most of them care canines.

[ladywrenn]

                                Bear Hunt

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

[me]

 

[IYT]

This one might have already been posted.


Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes, 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.


Works for me..........

[me]