Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

You should move to Korea or Iran!   

I think it should be you.   

[Exterminator]

I think it should be you.   

I'm not the one spouting off about how much better their border policies are than ours.

[andersonbrent]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become
fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass, and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[me]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become
fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass, and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[andersonbrent]

I just wonder why she is drinking since she knows she is preggers?

[Palehorse]

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out Crisco
Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says'Sir the Crisco is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies'OhI'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?' 
The old guy answers 'Oh no no no, I only call her that when we're out in public.'
'I see' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'




'Lard ass.'

[Palehorse]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

[Henry Hawk]

zing...............

[pariann]

hmmm.....I could have sworn I just heard that joke (told a little differently) two days ago.   I didn't know shit.  LOL

[Palehorse]

 Why athletes can't hold a regular job



And these people are paid how much money?


           1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me.  I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

            2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

            3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

            4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men.  He lets us wear earrings."

            5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

            6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."  (now that is beautiful)

            7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height."  And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

            8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

            9.. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.."

            10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

            11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."  (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

            12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you?  Is it ignorance or apathy?'  He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

            13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

            14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

            15. Bobby Bowden , Florida States football coach, when asked why he didn't invest in Condos, Bobby said, I am too old to use them now

[Palehorse]

The vicissitudes of old age ably demonstrated

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.. All of his tests comeback with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
       
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel, George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
       
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!' 

[Palehorse]

Confucius say. . .

Man who cannot find book he is looking for, shopping in Wong Fook Hing Book Store!

[Palehorse]

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on,   old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,  "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

[Bo D]

MY PRIVATE PART DIED


An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tiffany asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tiffany ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tiffany.. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tiffany I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tiffany, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[me]

First Christmas Joke

Three  men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at  the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season'  Saint Peter said, 

'You must each possess something  that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The  first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a  lighter. He flicked it on.

'It represents a candle', he  said.

'You may pass through the pearly  gates' Saint Peter said.

The  second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of  keys. He shook them and said, 'They're  bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the  pearly gates'.

The third man started searching  desperately through his pockets and finally pulled  out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at  the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man  replied, 'These are Carols.'

And  So The Christmas Season Begins.....