Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around
combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse,
her credit card drops on the floor..

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the
blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't
know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me
the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50 

[Exterminator]

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.  The instructions were:

The short story had to include the following three things:

1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

[me]

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Exterminator]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi...

[me]

Gotta be true...I think he's related to the guy that needed the wood cut and the one that needed a garden space dug up.....

[pariann]

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.

AMEN

[me]

 

[Anne]

 

[Palehorse]

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says,
"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says,
"What in the world was that?"

The old man replied,
"It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown,
tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything
he! 's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says,
"What the hell was that?"

The old man says,
"Half time, switch sides."

[Palehorse]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[me]

 

[Palehorse]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
   
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
   
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting  you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
   
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
   
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls.... Numbaa 69.'
   
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
   
'You want...Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

[Palehorse]

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. .
> The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one
> little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
> joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers,
> but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and
> rejoice!"
> .
> Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand?
> Show me"
> .
> So the Pope slapped her.

[Anne]

 

[me]