Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[ladywrenn]

Women's Ass Size Study

    There is a new study out about women and how they
feel about their asses.  I thought the results were
pretty interesting:

    25 percent of women think their ass is too fat...

    10 percent of women think their ass is too skinny...


    The other 65 per cent say that they don't care; they
love him, he's a good man, and they would have married
him anyway.

[Sandy Eggo]

 

[me]

Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing

     Their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next
time

     You run into someone who knows nothing, cares less, and tries to make

     Your life miserable.



     A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a

     Trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser,

     Who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded
and

     Dirty! You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"



     "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"



     "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible

     Airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and

     They're always late.



     So, where are you staying in Rome?"



     "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber

     River called Teste."



     "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its

     Gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the

     Worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,
and

     They're overpriced.



     So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"



     "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the

     Pope."



     "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other

     People trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck

     On this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."



     A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The

     Hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome



     "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were w e on

     Time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and

     They bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I

     Had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot And

     The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,

     And now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city They, too, were

     Overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no

     Extra charge!"

     "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but

     I know you didn't get to see the Pope."



     "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,

     A Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope

     Likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into

     His private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure
enough,

     Five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my
hand! I

     Knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."



     "Oh, really! What'd he say?

     He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

[ladywrenn]

LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike

[ladywrenn]

Little Girl Walking Home From School   
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!" 

[kimmi]

Keep in mind this actually really did happen. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.
>
>
>
> Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
> Walmart Employee: "Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?"
> Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."
> Walmart Employee: "What you want on the cake?"
> Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that "We will miss you".

[tallulahdahling]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Cow.

InterruptMOO!!!

[tallulahdahling]

Keep in mind this actually really did happen. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.
>
>
>
> Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
> Walmart Employee: "Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?"
> Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."
> Walmart Employee: "What you want on the cake?"
> Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that "We will miss you".


Yup--they ordered that in Meridian!  I recognize the writing   

[me]

            A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.   Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.  God works in mysterious ways.

                After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.   The woman says, "So, you're a man.  That's interesting. I m a woman.  Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".

                Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!"   But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

                The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.   My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.   Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

                She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

                The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

                The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

                The woman replies,  "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

                   

                MORAL OF THE STORY :

                Women are clever, evil bitches.     Don't mess with us.

[me]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is

It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer

makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers

an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was

gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he

Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . ..

What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all

them ugly women I slept with?

[ladywrenn]

CUSSING'

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what? 'says the 6 year old. "I think it's about
time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in
approval. The six year old continues, When we go downstairs
for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you
say something with 'ass. The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and
asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He
flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just
stay there until I let you out!" She them comes back
downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern
voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" "I
don't know, mom" he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it
won't be Cherrios"!

[me]

Love is in the AIR...


            Husband:  Oh, come on.
            Wife:  Leave me alone!
            Husband:  It won't take long.
            Wife:  I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
            Husband:   I can't sleep without it.
            Wife:   Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
            Husband:  Because I'm Hot.
            Wife:  You get hot at the darnedest times.
            Husband:  If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
            Wife:  If you love me you'd be more considerate.
            Husband:  You don't love me anymore.
            Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
            Husband:  Please...come on
            Wife:   Alright, I'll do it.
            Husband:  What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
            Wife:  I can't find it.
            Husband:   Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
            Wife:   There! Are you satisf ied?
            Husband:  Oh, yes.
            Wife:   Is it up far enough?
            Husband:  ! Oh, that's good.
            Wife:  Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
            do it yourself.
             
             Now, what were you expecting?

[me]

    Wal-Mart Computer Doctor


    Wal-Mart has everything!

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what 's wrong and what to do about it."

    "It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ....  A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

    He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.  It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti- fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab..
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

    Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

[me]

Women And Men 





1.NAMES 



If  Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each  other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. 

If  Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other  as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 



2.EATING  OUT 



When  the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even  though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none  will actually admit they want change back. 



When  the women get their bill, out come the pocket  calculators. 







3.MONEY 



A  man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. 



A  woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on  sale. 







4.BATHROOMS 



A  man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar  of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. 



The  average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would  not be able to identify most of these items. 







5.ARGUMENTS 



A  woman has the last word in any argument. 



Anything  a man says after that... is the beginning of a new   argument.







6.CATS 



Women  love cats.



Men  say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.   



7.FUTURE 



A  woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 



A  man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 







8.SUCCESS 





A  successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 



A  successful woman is one who can find such a man.





9.MARRIAGE 



A  woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 



A  man marries a woman expecting that she won't change  ,   and  she does.







10.DRESSING  UP



A  woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,  answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.



A  man will dress up for weddings and funerals.







11.NATURAL 



Men  wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.



Women  somehow deteriorate during the night.







12.OFFSPRING 



Ah,  children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist  appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and  hopes and dreams.



A  man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 







13.THOUGHT  FOR THE DAY



Any  married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people  remembering the same thing.

[me]

> Senior questions
> Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are sexually interested in them?
> A: Try a bookstore under fiction
> Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
> A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
> Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
> A: Tell him you're pregnant.
> Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
> A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
> Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
> A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
> Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
> A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
> Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
> A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
> Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
> A: Their foreheads.
> Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
> A: 'I remember these.'