Bad jokes collected from your Inbox

[me]

That's a lesson she won't forget!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

"She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

It's a lesson Daddy will never forget either!

[me]

You live and learn!

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, 75, looked him over.

"Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat."

She's got his number!

[me]

Man has serious operation to go back to living normal life, leaves the hospital for a bigger shock
•   
This one's a doozy! Just goes to show you that you should always always inspect the water before diving into the deep end.
Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need. A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[me]

Boy gets called the "Dumbest Kid in the World" but he sounds pretty smart to me

Here's a real belly-buster. It just goes to show you that you should never judge a book by its cover!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

[me]

Young doctor thinks he can trick an 'old geezer,' but the old man has the last laugh



An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me??

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr Young: Aaagh !! "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr Young: "Oh no you don't, — that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so — "Here's your $1000 back."

Dr Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story — Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!

[me]

Trucker's order confuses the waitress, and he's caught off guard when his breakfast comes out


She didn't know what he was asking for at first, but it's she who gets the last laugh!

A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. ... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!"

"Oh ... OK!" replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

She's a quick thinker!

[me]

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, their insight might surprise you:

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.

2. Strike while the bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but How?

6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7. No news is impossible

8. A miss is as good as a Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new Math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.

13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is not much.

17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

26. Better late than pregnant.

[me]

She wasn't expecting to hear THIS come out of her husband's mouth!

An 81 year old couple, who had been married for almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health for the last 10 years, much thanks to exercise and the healthy food that the wife had picked out. As they reach the gates of heaven, Jesus stands ready to receive them.

He accompanies them to their new house. It's a grand house with a huge kitchen, bedroom and a bathroom with a Jacuzzi. The couple looks around with amazement. The old man asks Jesus how much it costs to live there.

"It's free of course," Jesus replies, "this is heaven after all."

They then go to inspect the golf course which is situated just by the house. They now have the privilege of playing there every day of the week. The course seemed excellent, and was possibly the best golf course the old man had ever seen. He asks Jesus:

"How much is the green fee?"

"It's free of course, this is heaven after all."

They continue to the club house. There, the Easter Bunny has prepared a gigantic lunch buffet.

"How much does it cost to eat here?"

"My friend, you're in heaven now, everything is free," Jesus replies.

"But there doesn't seem to be any low calorie foods," the man says as he looks at the full plates.

Jesus replies:

"That's what's so great! You can eat as much as you want to, and never gain weight or get ill. This is heaven after all."

The old man suddenly gets furious, throws his hat on the ground, and stamps on it angrily.

His wife tries to calm him down, and asks him what's wrong:

"If it weren't for your damned healthy food, then we could have been here for 10 years already!"

[Y]

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger...

...then it hit me. 

[libby]

She wasn't expecting to hear THIS come out of her husband's mouth!

An 81 year old couple, who had been married for almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health for the last 10 years, much thanks to exercise and the healthy food that the wife had picked out. As they reach the gates of heaven, Jesus stands ready to receive them.

He accompanies them to their new house. It's a grand house with a huge kitchen, bedroom and a bathroom with a Jacuzzi. The couple looks around with amazement. The old man asks Jesus how much it costs to live there.

"It's free of course," Jesus replies, "this is heaven after all."

They then go to inspect the golf course which is situated just by the house. They now have the privilege of playing there every day of the week. The course seemed excellent, and was possibly the best golf course the old man had ever seen. He asks Jesus:

"How much is the green fee?"

"It's free of course, this is heaven after all."

They continue to the club house. There, the Easter Bunny has prepared a gigantic lunch buffet.

"How much does it cost to eat here?"

"My friend, you're in heaven now, everything is free," Jesus replies.

"But there doesn't seem to be any low calorie foods," the man says as he looks at the full plates.

Jesus replies:

"That's what's so great! You can eat as much as you want to, and never gain weight or get ill. This is heaven after all."

The old man suddenly gets furious, throws his hat on the ground, and stamps on it angrily.

His wife tries to calm him down, and asks him what's wrong:

"If it weren't for your damned healthy food, then we could have been here for 10 years already!"

LOL!

[me]

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at making love than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[me]

When He Heard How Many Babies His Wife Had, He Hit The Floor!

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence, " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turned to the third man – who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.
The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up. I should have never taken that job at 7-Up. I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."

[me]

Joke: A boy goes to sit beside a girl in library.
A boy goes to sit beside a girl in library.

A boy looks around in library to find a girl sitting alone. He goes to her and says, "Can I sit beside you?"

She replies loudly, "I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the library looks at the boy in shock. He slows moves to another table quite embarrassed.

A few minutes later, the girl comes to sit beside the boy and says, "I am a psychology student. I know how to make you feel embarrassed."

To which the boy replies even louder, "1000$ FOR ONE NIGHT?! THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

Everyone in the library looks at the girl, even more shocked.

The boy leans towards the girl and says, "I'm a law student. I know how to make you feel guilty."

[me]

That's a bet he should have never taken!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you OK?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Don't mess with old people!

[me]

Angry Navy Chief starts shouting at sailor, but he wasn't ready for the sailor's cool reply

The Chief played it off pretty well...

A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, Aye Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ....."