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There was a man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I am a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save".




(http://www.themainevent-mtairy.com/Balloon-Characters/Clown2.gif)

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells Mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P), Solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.  By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel.  Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

When girls drink too much

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING ! WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND
WIGGLING OUR
BUTT
WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE
AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS
AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE
LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE
THEM
SOOOOO
MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME
A NEW
SONG
PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING
NEXT TO
US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT
IT.

9. WE YELL AT! THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY
GIVING US
JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER
TASTE THE
GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY
LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT
ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR
FAULT THAT
WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

(http://content.jibjab.com/content/62810241c85e508d6273da211e8bfab3eb5f0a03)

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

CIA Job Info

A few months ago, there was an job opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him the gun.

"We just know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they had just the woman to test. Again they took her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances are, this is your final test. Inside, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door.

Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

(http://www.neatorama.com/images/2006-03/balloon-motorcycle.jpg)

CIA Job Info

A few months ago, there was an job opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him the gun.

"We just know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they had just the woman to test. Again they took her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances are, this is your final test. Inside, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door.

Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
(http://www.balloonaticsevents.com/IMAGES/event_decorations/loonykids.gif)

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer --
run into each other outside a small desert town. They come across a lantern
and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three
wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the
blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was made forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want walls around Afghanistan,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious
states." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there were huge
walls around those countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about
these walls." The Genie explains, "Well, they're about 5000 feet high, 500 feet
thick and completely surrounds each of the countries. Nothing can get in or out
-- it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill 'em with water."

Message This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??" "I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're going to lose

Subject: Gay flight attendant My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer,
and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the
waiting room, where his son had been waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached
by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.
O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I
have been diagnosed with AIDS.
"The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a
couple more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad,
I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother
after I'm gone."

The $2 Bill. Everyone should start carrying them!
I am STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and
bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn't know they exist

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go " 

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him
the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The
following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have
anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a
shoplifter, and  says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get
change "

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this  time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why"

Me: "No really, tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the
phone around  the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin  laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy  Comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."

Guard: "No kidding! What?"

Manager: "Get this .. A two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is  a fifty."

Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"

Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to
use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so
I say   "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a
swing at him.

He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says,
"Hey, Mike,   what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it
dawns on  the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small
drink and  some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens  when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably  end up in jail. You get free food there, too.

LMAO!!
Can you get a two dollar bill anywhere other than a strip club??

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.

Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''

A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''

A Redneck walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

  He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the

astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this

alligator's mouth and place my privates inside. Then the

gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it and I'll

 remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this

spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."



The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on

the step of the barstool next to the bar, dropped his trousers

 and placed his Johnson and related parts into the alligator's

open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd

gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and

smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator

 opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals

unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his

 free drinks was delivered.



The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay

anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."



A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in

the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up...........

 "I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse again.. Silver is
brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before,
Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, and have a very wonderful & intelligent
horse.. but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,...alone." The
Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully..for
the last time, you dumb ass!!

"BRING POSSEE!!!!!!"

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic
Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer

came to
him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel hold" he
has,
whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does,
you're
finished!"

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each
other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the
dreaded
pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer
buried
his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch
the
inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the
trainer
raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in
the
air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top
of
him
making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked "How did you ever
get
out
of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got
me in
that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair
of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so
with my
last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies
just
as hard as I could."

So, the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your
own
balls!"

Redneck Vs. Game Warden


A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Texas recently with two ice chests of fish.  He was leaving a cove well known for it''s fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir, I ain''t got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand
these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim
''round for a while.

Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take
them home."

"That''s a bunch of hooey! Fish can''t do that!" says the warden.

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,

"It''s the truth Mr. Government man, I''ll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, " I''ve GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The redneck said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the redneck.


We in Texas may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we aren''t as dumb as most government employees

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

**Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy!"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last  week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"...

Is this 486-5731? 

Two blonde men were working along the road one day.

The first one would dig a hole, then the second one would fill it up.

They did this all day long when finally a fellow, who had been watching, could not stand it and stopped them.  He asked why they kept digging holes, only to fill them up again.

The first Blonde man said to him, "Well it may look odd to you, but we are part of a three man team.  Normaly the three of us work together, but this morning the guy who sets the trees in the holes called in sick."

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along  and asked the little boy what he had.   
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator".    "Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."

  "Excuse me?"

  "I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."

  "I don't understand you, sir."

  "FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"

  "Sir, if you want to make a Call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that."  Frustrated by now the farmer said "Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (and slammed the phone down)

  The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door.

  Two very large repairmen from the phone   Company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator.

  "Yesh, I yam", he said.

  The telephone man said, "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

  Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

  "Operator".

  "Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis   telephone up her ash?"

  Immediately huffy, the operator replied, "I CERTAINLY am!"

  "Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

 :biggrin: :biggrin: Thanks, I needed this thread today.  :biggrin: :biggrin:

Quote from: damfast on October 24, 2006, 12:40:15 PM
CIA Job Info

A few months ago, there was an job opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him the gun.

"We just know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they had just the woman to test. Again they took her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances are, this is your final test. Inside, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door.

Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
(http://www.balloonaticsevents.com/IMAGES/event_decorations/loonykids.gif)

Oh that balloon is cute!

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The    blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, you ask me
one and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and to keep him quiet, she agrees
to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a
word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air-phone, he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes
up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks. "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Here you go, damfast. :wink:

(http://www.arizonaballoon.com/images/lightbulb-sealedairballoon-small.jpg)

This one's good for another joke:

(http://www.customballooncreations.com/images/chef-balloons.jpg)

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities but
feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several
others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said
nothing.

Later that evening George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

New sayings that should be on buttons...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put
shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
25. And just how may I screw you over today?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
53. One of us is thinking about sex..... OK, it's me.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
69. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
71. Earth is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or mine?
74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
79. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
81. Meandering to a different drummer.
82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
83. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

Can I join in?

A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, "You've got to hold
the club like you hold your husband's organ." She takes the club and
hits the ball. He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the
fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and
we'll go for distance.

A guy is out partying at the local watering hole one night when he notices an older but very attractive lady sitting at a table by herself. He figures she's in her late fifties but still looks extremely hot.

He goes over to her and introduces himself. That chat for a while, dance a few times, drink a few, and he finds out she is indeed, 57 years old, but she looks FINE!

She asks the man if he's ever done a "Sportsman Double."

"What's a Sportsman Double?" he asked.

"That's a threesome with a Mother and Daughter," she replied.

Well he perked up and said he'd love to try that so off they went to her house.

As soon as they get inside, they strip down and they're going at it, multiple positions, multiple times....I mean he's layin' pipe like a Union Steamfitter.

Pretty soon he asks, "Hey....I thought this was supposed to be a Mother/Daughter threesome?

She says, "Oh yeah.....I almost forgot.......HEY MOM??? COME IN HERE."

good one

Too funny!









This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.



A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"



"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"



"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"



"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."



"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. Whatcha doing when you get there?"



"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."



"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."



A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.



"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great. They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"



"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."



"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, Pope would personally greet me! Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."



"Oh, really! What'd he say?"



"Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?"

LOL I've seen that before and I'd love to have an opportunity for poetic justice, that sweet, just once. :biggrin:

That's classic, damfast!!!! :thumbsup: to you!

 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."


There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."


People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.


  You should not confuse your career with your life.


   Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.


  Never lick a steak knife.


   The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.


You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.


  The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.


A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)


Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

One night a man and his date were about to go into his apartment
after a night on the town. Before he could open his door, his date
put her hand on his arm, and said, "Wait a minute. Did you know that
I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door?" "I'm not
sure," replied her partner, "give me an example!" "The first way,"
she tells him, "is if a man shoves his key in the lock and opens the
door hard! That means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me." "The
second way," she continues, "is if a man fumbles around and can't
seem to find the hole. That means he's inexperienced and that isn't
for me either!" "Which brings us to you,", she smiles. "How do you
unlock your door?" "Well, first," her friend replies, "before I do
anything else, I lick the lock."

Redneck Pickup Lines





* Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you
out.

* Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself
in 'em.

* If you was a tree and I was a squirrel, I'd store my
nuts in yer hole.

* You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's
only a light switch away.

* Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - I just wanted to say something that would
break the ice!"

* I know I ain't no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I kin
make yer bed-rock.

* I can't find my puppy, kin you help me find him? I
think he went inta this cheap motel room.

* Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

* If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep
'til afternoon.

And.... the best for last!

* Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of
it, my nuts tighten up!

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS..............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING..

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE  HIM A CAKE.

HER HUSBAND SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

----------------------------------------------------------------------ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

---------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
Into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
You're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
In case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
Who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
To get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
Don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
You'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think
You were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope
They turn out just like you

*tapping foot* Okay, it's been 2 weeks & no jokes...someone's slacking here... ;D

A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down
next to her, and asks her "Can we have s€x?" "NO," she replies, "I'm
married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.


The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell
you how to get to have s€x with her!" "Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday
night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a
robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your
beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."


The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he
declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have s€x
with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict
himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virg!nity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.


As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries, "I am the hippie!"


"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast.

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from ex haustion.

The word got a round that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????...........................

OH, Come on...take a guess! < BR>> Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is.. You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Baptizing A Drunk




A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river.  The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are
you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in
the river.  He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'  The preacher, shocked at the
answer, dunks him into the water again, b ut for a bit longer this time
He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you  found Jesus, my
brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in
the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up.  The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher,



'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck
that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up ."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

A WOMAN'S LOVE  POEM:

Before  I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a  creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves  to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll  call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully  employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out  my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do  more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows  what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will  love me to no end,
And always be my very best  friend.



A MAN'S LOVE  POEM:

I  pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a  golf course,> and loves to send me fishing and hunting.  This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir

Hung Chow calls in work and says, "Hey I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomache ache and legs hurt, I no come work.

the boss says, "you know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. when I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. that makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do as you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...
You got nice house."

(http://llnw.content.jibjab.com/content/d28221b651191d1db9f196f72407f4511a07b7a2)

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
  Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He
Knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
Touch them, but he had to try.
  One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio  the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this  and said
That he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his  desire, but it
Would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without  pause Nick
Readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made  a batch of
Itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's  brassiere while
She bathed.
  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
Applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
Had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
Cure the itch.
  The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the  antidote
For the itching G powder, which  he put into his mouth, and  for the
Next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's  voluptuous and
Magnificent breasts.  The Queen's itching was  eventually relieved, and
Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
  Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
Payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick
Couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never  report
This matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get  lost.
  The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
Powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned  Nick.
  The moral of the story - Pay your bills

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other,

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

Quote from: damfast on November 15, 2007, 11:54:47 AM
Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other,

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

 
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's
yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and
under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it,
he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to
jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old
ladies happily yelled in unison-- "We were at your birthday party
yesterday!"

lmao, good one.

Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Rodger didn't show up.

Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!

Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"

Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"

"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.

The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them. They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potato sacks. The cop runs in after them, and the first potato sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, "MEEEEOOOOOOW," and the cop says, "Oh! It's just a stupid cat."

He then moves to the potato sack the redhead is under and kicks it. The redhead replies, "ROOF, ROOF," the cop, angry now, says, "STUPID DOG!!" Then the cop gets to the potato sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde screams, "POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOO!"

a man and woman were happily married for many years. the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. the noise would wake his wife, and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off, because the smell was making her sick. he told her that he could'nt stop it, but that it was perfectly natural. she told him to see a doctor, concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. the years went by, and he continued to rip them out! then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner, and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had placed the turkey innards, and a malicious thought came to her. she took the bowl upstairs where her husband was sleeping, and gently emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. some time later, she heard her husband with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream, and the sound of him running into the bathroom. the wife could hardly contain herself, as she rolled on the floor with tears in her eyes, figuring she had gotten him pretty good! about twenty minutes later, her husband came down wearing bloodstained shorts and a look of horror on his face. she bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. he said, "honey, you were right, all those years you warned me, but i did'nt listen." "what do you mean?" asked his wife. "well, you always said that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. but by the grace of God,some vaseline, and these two fingers, i think i got most of them back in."

 :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

    :rotfl: :rotfl:    :rotfl: :rotfl:

 

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN

A

SAUNA.



SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM

AND

THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY

PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.



A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER

PALM TO

HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I

HAVE

A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."



THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE

HAD

TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND

WENT TO

THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER

REAR END.



THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....



I'M GETTING A FAX!!

    :rotfl: :rotfl:    :rotfl: :rotfl:.....a classic......... :yes:

Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed that one!!!!

excellent OF, thanks for coming to play in my room

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny, beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife said, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand...

...and - poof! the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful jerks should remember: fairies are female.

I dont like wife stories.

Too much like a horror event.

Wives scare me, territorial and wicked.

Demonic things

Quote from: damfast on November 20, 2007, 10:02:08 AM
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them. They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potato sacks. The cop runs in after them, and the first potato sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, "MEEEEOOOOOOW," and the cop says, "Oh! It's just a stupid cat."

He then moves to the potato sack the redhead is under and kicks it. The redhead replies, "ROOF, ROOF," the cop, angry now, says, "STUPID DOG!!" Then the cop gets to the potato sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde screams, "POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOO!"

OMG!!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Quote from: damfast on November 20, 2007, 10:14:26 AM
a man and woman were happily married for many years. the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. the noise would wake his wife, and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off, because the smell was making her sick. he told her that he could'nt stop it, but that it was perfectly natural. she told him to see a doctor, concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. the years went by, and he continued to rip them out! then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner, and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had placed the turkey innards, and a malicious thought came to her. she took the bowl upstairs where her husband was sleeping, and gently emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. some time later, she heard her husband with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream, and the sound of him running into the bathroom. the wife could hardly contain herself, as she rolled on the floor with tears in her eyes, figuring she had gotten him pretty good! about twenty minutes later, her husband came down wearing bloodstained shorts and a look of horror on his face. she bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. he said, "honey, you were right, all those years you warned me, but i did'nt listen." "what do you mean?" asked his wife. "well, you always said that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. but by the grace of God,some vaseline, and these two fingers, i think i got most of them back in."

I want you to know, I laughed til I cried, when I read this one!!!!  :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Quote from: FSU CLASS OF 1971 on November 20, 2007, 10:29:45 AM


THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN

A

SAUNA.



SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM

AND

THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY

PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.



A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER

PALM TO

HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I

HAVE

A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."



THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE

HAD

TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND

WENT TO

THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER

REAR END.



THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....



I'M GETTING A FAX!!

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his
tests come back with normal results.  The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof.... the light goes on.  When I'm done, poof....the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof.... the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof....the light goes off?"
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

as a famous man with a smooth, sensual voice once said, "good mornin!!!"

That doesn't sound like a joke dearest. ;D 
Good afternoon :smile:
Wish I had a smoooth sensual voice. Will a new joke do????? :yes:

It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

lmao  i love your jokes OF


:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

3. Put an end to arguments about lifting the toilet seat. Use the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.  Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYS. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS!

truly worthy of the muddle room OF

:smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

Thank you beautiful ;)

 :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love:

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
         
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find younger, sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
                 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.
                 

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of y our 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
                 

Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
                 

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
                 

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
                 

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundl y?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. [true-True-True!]
                 

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
                 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."


Good morning. How is MY damfast? :wink:

very happy indeed, dearest OF

I thought you were MY damfast. I'm so confused.

Quote from: fireguy on December 18, 2007, 12:16:59 PM
I thought you were MY damfast. I'm so confused.

You are my heart, dear.  All else fades in comparison.  You have been my heart for hundreds of lifetimes.

yada yada yada...... :biggrin2:

    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

    Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened.

    "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

    "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

    "That's when I made my big mistake."

    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

    "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

    "I don't remember much after that"!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 How to Shower Like a Woman:

   1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
   2. Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
   3. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
   4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.
   5. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
   6. Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
   7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
   8. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil.
   9. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
  10. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
  11. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
  12. Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off.
  13. Shave armpits and legs.
  14. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
  15. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
  16. Turn off shower.
  17. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
  18. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.
  19. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
  20. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
  21. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
  22. Tweeze hairs.
  23. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
  24. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How to Shower Like a Man:

   1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
   2. Leave them in a pile.
   3. Walk naked to the bathroom.
   4. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
   5. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (you don't)
   6. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
   7. Get in shower.
   8. Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.
   9. Wash your face.
  10. Wash your armpits.
  11. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
  12. Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
  13. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
  14. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
  15. Shampoo your hair.
  16. Do not use conditioner.
  17. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
  18. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
  19. Pee (in the shower).
  20. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
  21. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
  22. Partially dry off.
  23. Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
  24. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
  25. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
  26. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.
  27. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
  28. Throw wet towel on the bed.
  29. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

HALLMARK MOMENTS

    My tire was thumping.
    I thought it was flat.
    When I looked at the tire.
    I noticed your cat. Sorry!
*********************************
    You had your bladder removed
    and you're on the mend.
    Here's a bouquet of flowers
    and a box of Depends.
*****************************
    Happy Vasectomy!
    Hope you feel zippy!
    'Cause when I had mine
    I got real snippy.
***************************
    Heard your wife left you.
    How upset you must be.
    But don't fret about it.
    She moved in with me
*********************************
    You totalled your car.
    And can't remember why.
    Could it have been.
    That case of Bud Dry?
*****************************************
    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"

    "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

    "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in hell 'til I met you."

    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

    "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

    "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

    "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

    "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

    "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"

    "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

    "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

    "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

    "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

    "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Ever find out who the father is?"

    "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

    "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."

    "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Alabama & Mississippi).

ONE LINERS

    Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

    A day without sunshine is like, night.

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

    I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    Remember half the people you know are below average.

    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

    Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    I intend to live forever - so far so good.

    Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

    Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

    Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

    No one is listening until you make a mistake.

    Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

    The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

    The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    Two wrongs are only the beginning.

    The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

    Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

    Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

    If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

    If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?

    Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

    Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
    Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that n othing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she fin ally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

f you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Enjoy!

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is  attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.

One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.

If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to s**t on someone's windshield

I got this in an email.
                             The Many Meanigs of P-M-S




                                1.Pass My Shotgun

                             2.Psychotic Mood Shift

                           3.Perpetual Munching Spree

                               4.Puffy Mid-Section

                              5.People Make me Sick

                             6.ProvideMe withSweets

                               7.Pardon My Sobbing

                              8Pimples May Surface

                              9.Pass My Sweatpants

                             10.Pissy Mood Syndrome

                              11.Plainly; Men Suck

                                12.Pack My Stuff

                            ...and my favorite one..

                           13.Potential Murder Suspect

Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why," asked the little girl.

"Because it's dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

"Yup," said the mom. :yes:

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE HAVE A NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS,THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL  BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD
GEEZERS AND  WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO
UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN
INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE
SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M  NOT WASTING TWO OF
MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE ANYWAY.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE  TWO
OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR
BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
YOU KNOW, I THINK  MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY  THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL
THE TIME I  WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE
WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER
ON  THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN
SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE  WINDOW.

Quote from: damfast on January 19, 2008, 11:58:02 PM
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE HAVE A NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS,THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL  BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD
GEEZERS AND  WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO
UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN
INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE
SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M  NOT WASTING TWO OF
MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE ANYWAY.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE  TWO
OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR
BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
YOU KNOW, I THINK  MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY  THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL
THE TIME I  WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE
WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER
ON  THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN
SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE  WINDOW.

:rotfl: :rotfl: Damfast you kill me. That was sooo funny, I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time.  :rotfl: :rotfl:

What's the difference between a Porsche and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.

2 sperm are swimming around:

sperm 1 asks sperm 2 "how long until we find the egg?"

sperm 2 says "it's gonna be a long time, we just now passed the esophagus."

Here's a good one: Cookie Parker!  :biggrin:

Quote from: Palehorse on January 20, 2008, 02:14:53 PM
Here's a good one: Cookie Parker!  :biggrin:

Oh no you don't!   :mad:

Let's keep this place peaceful, PLEEZE?   :yes:

Quote from: tallulahdahling on January 20, 2008, 05:56:44 PM
Oh no you don't!   :mad:

Let's keep this place peaceful, PLEEZE?   :yes:

It's a joke dang it! :biggrin:

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl
friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so
mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on
his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1)  Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2)  Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got
on your penis.
3)  Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding
ring.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

(http://www.futurama-madhouse.com.ar/claw/santa_grave.jpg)

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

....I like it!!

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Q. Why do Gorillas have big nostrils?

.
.
.
A. Because they have big fingers

Top Ten Things Engineering School didn't Teach You

   1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
   2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
   3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
   4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
   5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
   6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
   7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
   8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
   9. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
  10. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.

A man died and went to into the skies. Yamraj met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?'

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied,
'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!'

'I'm impressed,' Yamraj responded, 'When did this happen?'

'About two minutes ago,' came the reply!

Some Common Truths


* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

* Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.

* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

* How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring in my groceries.


* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

* Was learning cursive really necessary?

* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't unerstand what they said?

* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a moron from cutting in at the front.

* Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

* Bad decisions and bad experiences make good stories

* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word  and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page paper  that I swear I did not make any changes to.

* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time...

That is one of the funniest (and truest) lists I have ever seen. :smile:

 :yes: :thumbsup: :biggrin:

 :yes:  :biggrin:

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.  This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to  them.

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land..  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

Show him your badge! Quick, show him your badge!!!!

Quote from: damfast on December 21, 2009, 02:44:53 PM
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land..  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

Show him your badge! Quick, show him your badge!!!!

:yeah: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.
He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."
She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year

lmao, excellent!!!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this Taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad...or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Two blond's walk into a building. You would have thought that one of them would have seen it.

Good stuff!

now THAT is comedy!!!!  :biggrin2:

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

 ;D ...

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you..."

"You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what's the catch?"

One summer afternoon, Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. After a long road trip, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas.

As it turns out, the owner of the gas station was Hillary's old high school boyfrined. They exchanged hello's and brief chit-chat before the former White House couple went on their way.

As they were making their way back home, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey... if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner."

She smirked and replied, "No Bill, if I had stayed with him... he would have been the President of the United States!"

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned his attention to the lawyer... "Name them."

Q: George Bush is on a sinking boat . Who gets saved?

A: The nation

Q: How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

A: Open the door, put the elephant inside, and close the door.

Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?

A: Four: Two in front, two in back

Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?

A: None. It's full of elephants.

Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?

A: Along the M4 and and across the Sever Bridge.

Q: How do you know when there are two elephants in your refrigerator?

A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.

Q: How do you know when there are three elephants in your refrigerator?

A: When you can't close the door.

Q: How do you know when there are four elephants in your refrigerator?

A: When there is a Mini parked outside.

Q: What happens when you mix an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Big holes all over Austrailia.

In 218 BC, Hannibal began the Second Punic War by crossing the Alps with elephants. Sadly, none of the offspring survived.

he shoulda used the kangaroos

Nah. Woulda made 'em hopping mad.




sorry

 :biggrin:

Quote from: damfast on January 07, 2010, 01:33:40 AM
he shoulda used the kangaroos

In place of the mountains, or the elephants?

 :biggrin:



Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex."

He bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.
The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear.

The polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.

A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"

The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."

And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'

"What's it say?" asks the bartender.

The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.

* * *

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

* * *

Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws

* * *

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

* * *

Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.

* * *

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

* * *

Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

* * *

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.

3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

old but still funny



Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers.

A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter.

When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

Recently a bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

The bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, got lost; and being a typical man  didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. he played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.

And as he played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, the bagpiper wept, they all wept together. When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for the car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full.

As he was opening the door to the car, he heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

 :biggrin:

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait..  Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket..  Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back and he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.  A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  There was that same damn snake with two frogs in his mouth.

 :biggrin:

President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips move

Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honour.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: a bucket

Q: What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system...

• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

• Close your eyes and press escape three times.

• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

• Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

a day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk...

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

• Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

• Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

• Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

• I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

• Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?

• An unauthorized execution
Lin Ching

• I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

• He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

• I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat

Should a Child Witness Childbirth?

Here's your answer.


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.



Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted
him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.  Connor began to
cry.  The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place........spank his ass again!'



If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.