Tell us a joke!

[Sunny]

*tapping foot* Okay, it's been 2 weeks & no jokes...someone's slacking here...

[damfast]

A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down
next to her, and asks her "Can we have s€x?" "NO," she replies, "I'm
married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.


The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell
you how to get to have s€x with her!" "Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday
night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a
robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your
beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."


The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he
declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have s€x
with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict
himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virg!nity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.


As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries, "I am the hippie!"


"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"

[damfast]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[damfast]

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[damfast]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from ex haustion.

The word got a round that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????...........................

OH, Come on...take a guess! < BR>> Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is.. You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

[damfast]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[damfast]

Baptizing A Drunk




A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river.  The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are
you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in
the river.  He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'  The preacher, shocked at the
answer, dunks him into the water again, b ut for a bit longer this time
He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you  found Jesus, my
brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in
the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up.  The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher,



'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[damfast]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck
that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up ."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[damfast]

A WOMAN'S LOVE  POEM:

Before  I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a  creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves  to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll  call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully  employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out  my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do  more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows  what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will  love me to no end,
And always be my very best  friend.



A MAN'S LOVE  POEM:

I  pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a  golf course,> and loves to send me fishing and hunting.  This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.

[damfast]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the world kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir

[damfast]

Hung Chow calls in work and says, "Hey I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomache ache and legs hurt, I no come work.

the boss says, "you know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. when I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. that makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do as you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...
You got nice house."

[damfast]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
  Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He
Knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
Touch them, but he had to try.
  One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio  the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this  and said
That he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his  desire, but it
Would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without  pause Nick
Readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made  a batch of
Itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's  brassiere while
She bathed.
  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
Applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
Had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
Cure the itch.
  The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the  antidote
For the itching G powder, which  he put into his mouth, and  for the
Next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's  voluptuous and
Magnificent breasts.  The Queen's itching was  eventually relieved, and
Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
  Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
Payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick
Couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never  report
This matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get  lost.
  The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
Powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned  Nick.
  The moral of the story - Pay your bills

[damfast]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other,

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

[Palehorse]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other,

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

 
Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's
yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and
under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it,
he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to
jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,
"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old
ladies happily yelled in unison-- "We were at your birthday party
yesterday!"