Tell us a joke!

[damfast]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse again.. Silver is
brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before,
Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, and have a very wonderful & intelligent
horse.. but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,...alone." The
Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully..for
the last time, you dumb ass!!

"BRING POSSEE!!!!!!"

[damfast]

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic
Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer

came to
him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel hold" he
has,
whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does,
you're
finished!"

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each
other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the
dreaded
pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer
buried
his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch
the
inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the
trainer
raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in
the
air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top
of
him
making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked "How did you ever
get
out
of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got
me in
that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair
of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so
with my
last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies
just
as hard as I could."

So, the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your
own
balls!"

[damfast]

Redneck Vs. Game Warden


A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Texas recently with two ice chests of fish.  He was leaving a cove well known for it''s fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir, I ain''t got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand
these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim
''round for a while.

Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take
them home."

"That''s a bunch of hooey! Fish can''t do that!" says the warden.

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,

"It''s the truth Mr. Government man, I''ll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, " I''ve GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The redneck said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the redneck.


We in Texas may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we aren''t as dumb as most government employees

[damfast]

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

**Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy!"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last  week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"...

Is this 486-5731? 

[Mr442]

Two blonde men were working along the road one day.

The first one would dig a hole, then the second one would fill it up.

They did this all day long when finally a fellow, who had been watching, could not stand it and stopped them.  He asked why they kept digging holes, only to fill them up again.

The first Blonde man said to him, "Well it may look odd to you, but we are part of a three man team.  Normaly the three of us work together, but this morning the guy who sets the trees in the holes called in sick."

[damfast]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along  and asked the little boy what he had.   
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

[damfast]

There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator".    "Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."

  "Excuse me?"

  "I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."

  "I don't understand you, sir."

  "FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"

  "Sir, if you want to make a Call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that."  Frustrated by now the farmer said "Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (and slammed the phone down)

  The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door.

  Two very large repairmen from the phone   Company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator.

  "Yesh, I yam", he said.

  The telephone man said, "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

  Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

  "Operator".

  "Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis   telephone up her ash?"

  Immediately huffy, the operator replied, "I CERTAINLY am!"

  "Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

[Sandy Eggo]

  Thanks, I needed this thread today. 

[American_Woman]

CIA Job Info

A few months ago, there was an job opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him the gun.

"We just know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they had just the woman to test. Again they took her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances are, this is your final test. Inside, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door.

Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Oh that balloon is cute!

[damfast]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The    blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, you ask me
one and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and to keep him quiet, she agrees
to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a
word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air-phone, he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes
up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks. "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[Sunny]

Here you go, damfast.

[Sunny]

This one's good for another joke:

[damfast]

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[damfast]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities but
feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several
others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said
nothing.

Later that evening George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

[IYT]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"