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Tell us a joke!

Started by damfast, October 17, 2006, 12:58:57 PM

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damfast

#105
December 18, 2009, 03:13:20 PM
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Palehorse

#106
December 18, 2009, 03:16:50 PM
R.I.P. - followsthewolf - You are MISSED! 4/17/2013

That which fails to kill me. . .should run!

Any "point" made by one that lacks credibility, is only as useful as toilet paper; and serves the same purpose. ~ Palehorse 4/22/2017

May you find charity when it is needed, and the ability to extend it when it is not. ~Palehorse 7/4/2012

To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.~Herman Melville

damfast

#107
December 18, 2009, 03:20:09 PM
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Henry Hawk

#108
December 18, 2009, 03:39:03 PM
....I like it!!
"The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left."
Ecclesiastes 10:2 - It all makes sense to me now...


"The future ain't what it used to be."– Yogi Berra

"Square roots are rarely found on any plant." FTW

damfast

#109
December 19, 2009, 12:39:11 PM
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

damfast

#110
December 19, 2009, 12:45:34 PM
Q. Why do Gorillas have big nostrils?

.
.
.
A. Because they have big fingers

It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

damfast

#111
December 19, 2009, 12:46:53 PM
Top Ten Things Engineering School didn't Teach You

   1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
   2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
   3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
   4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
   5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
   6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
   7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
   8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
   9. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
  10. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

damfast

#112
December 19, 2009, 12:47:31 PM
A man died and went to into the skies. Yamraj met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?'

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied,
'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!'

'I'm impressed,' Yamraj responded, 'When did this happen?'

'About two minutes ago,' came the reply!
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

damfast

#113
December 20, 2009, 03:38:30 PM
Some Common Truths


* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

* Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.

* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

* How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring in my groceries.


* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

* Was learning cursive really necessary?

* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't unerstand what they said?

* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a moron from cutting in at the front.

* Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

* Bad decisions and bad experiences make good stories

* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word  and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page paper  that I swear I did not make any changes to.

* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time...
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

followsthewolf

#114
December 20, 2009, 05:34:08 PM
That is one of the funniest (and truest) lists I have ever seen. :smile:
Ignorance and fanaticism are ravenous. They require constant feeding.

Sandy Eggo

#115
December 20, 2009, 06:04:00 PM
 :yes: :thumbsup: :biggrin:
Only after the last tree has been cut down. Only after the last river has been poisoned. Only after the last fish has been caught. Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten. - -Cree Indian Prophecy

"Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambitition" -- anonymous

me

#116
December 20, 2009, 06:56:15 PM
 :yes:  :biggrin:
Trump 2020

damfast

#117
December 21, 2009, 02:43:49 PM
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.  This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to  them.
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

damfast

#118
December 21, 2009, 02:44:53 PM
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land..  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

Show him your badge! Quick, show him your badge!!!!
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

me

#119
December 21, 2009, 11:18:04 PM
Quote from: damfast on December 21, 2009, 02:44:53 PM
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land..  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

Show him your badge! Quick, show him your badge!!!!
:yeah: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Trump 2020
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