Tell us a joke!

[damfast]

HALLMARK MOMENTS

    My tire was thumping.
    I thought it was flat.
    When I looked at the tire.
    I noticed your cat. Sorry!
*********************************
    You had your bladder removed
    and you're on the mend.
    Here's a bouquet of flowers
    and a box of Depends.
*****************************
    Happy Vasectomy!
    Hope you feel zippy!
    'Cause when I had mine
    I got real snippy.
***************************
    Heard your wife left you.
    How upset you must be.
    But don't fret about it.
    She moved in with me
*********************************
    You totalled your car.
    And can't remember why.
    Could it have been.
    That case of Bud Dry?
*****************************************
    "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"

    "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

    "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

    "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

    "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in hell 'til I met you."

    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

    "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

    "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

    "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

    "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

    "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

    "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"

    "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

    "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

    "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

    "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

    "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Ever find out who the father is?"

    "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

    "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."

    "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Alabama & Mississippi).

[damfast]

ONE LINERS

    Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

    A day without sunshine is like, night.

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

    I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    Remember half the people you know are below average.

    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

    Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    I intend to live forever - so far so good.

    Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

    Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

    Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

    No one is listening until you make a mistake.

    Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

    The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

    The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    Two wrongs are only the beginning.

    The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

    Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

    Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

    If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

    If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?

    Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

    Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
    Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

[kimmi]

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that n othing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she fin ally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[damfast]

f you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Enjoy!

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is  attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.

One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

[damfast]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.

If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to s**t on someone's windshield

[ladywrenn]

I got this in an email.
                             The Many Meanigs of P-M-S




                                1.Pass My Shotgun

                             2.Psychotic Mood Shift

                           3.Perpetual Munching Spree

                               4.Puffy Mid-Section

                              5.People Make me Sick

                             6.ProvideMe withSweets

                               7.Pardon My Sobbing

                              8Pimples May Surface

                              9.Pass My Sweatpants

                             10.Pissy Mood Syndrome

                              11.Plainly; Men Suck

                                12.Pack My Stuff

                            ...and my favorite one..

                           13.Potential Murder Suspect

[ladywrenn]

Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why," asked the little girl.

"Because it's dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

"Yup," said the mom.

[damfast]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE HAVE A NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS,THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL  BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD
GEEZERS AND  WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO
UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN
INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE
SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M  NOT WASTING TWO OF
MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE ANYWAY.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE  TWO
OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR
BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
YOU KNOW, I THINK  MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY  THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL
THE TIME I  WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE
WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER
ON  THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN
SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE  WINDOW.

[Dexter Morgan]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE HAVE A NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS,THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL  BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD
GEEZERS AND  WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO
UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN
INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE
SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M  NOT WASTING TWO OF
MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE ANYWAY.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE  TWO
OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR
BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
YOU KNOW, I THINK  MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY  THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL
THE TIME I  WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE
WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER
ON  THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN
SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE  WINDOW.

Damfast you kill me. That was sooo funny, I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. 

[smokeykat]

What's the difference between a Porsche and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.

[smokeykat]

2 sperm are swimming around:

sperm 1 asks sperm 2 "how long until we find the egg?"

sperm 2 says "it's gonna be a long time, we just now passed the esophagus."

[Palehorse]

Here's a good one: Cookie Parker! 

[tallulahdahling]

Here's a good one: Cookie Parker! 

Oh no you don't!   

Let's keep this place peaceful, PLEEZE?   

[Palehorse]

Oh no you don't!   

Let's keep this place peaceful, PLEEZE?   

It's a joke dang it!

[ladywrenn]

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut
off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl
friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so
mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on
his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1)  Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2)  Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got
on your penis.
3)  Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding
ring.