Tell us a joke!

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his
tests come back with normal results.  The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof.... the light goes on.  When I'm done, poof....the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof.... the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof....the light goes off?"
"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

[damfast]

as a famous man with a smooth, sensual voice once said, "good mornin!!!"

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

That doesn't sound like a joke dearest.  
Good afternoon
Wish I had a smoooth sensual voice. Will a new joke do?????

It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[damfast]

lmao  i love your jokes OF

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

3. Put an end to arguments about lifting the toilet seat. Use the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.  Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYS. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS!

[damfast]

truly worthy of the muddle room OF

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

Thank you beautiful

[damfast]

 

[FSU CLASS OF 1971]

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
         
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find younger, sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
                 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.
                 

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of y our 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
                 

Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
                 

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
                 

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
                 

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundl y?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. [true-True-True!]
                 

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
                 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."


Good morning. How is MY damfast?

[damfast]

very happy indeed, dearest OF

[fireguy]

I thought you were MY damfast. I'm so confused.

[damfast]

I thought you were MY damfast. I'm so confused.

You are my heart, dear.  All else fades in comparison.  You have been my heart for hundreds of lifetimes.

yada yada yada......

[damfast]

    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

    Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened.

    "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

    "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

    "That's when I made my big mistake."

    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

    "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

    "I don't remember much after that"!

[damfast]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[damfast]

 How to Shower Like a Woman:

   1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
   2. Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
   3. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
   4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.
   5. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
   6. Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
   7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
   8. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil.
   9. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
  10. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
  11. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
  12. Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off.
  13. Shave armpits and legs.
  14. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
  15. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
  16. Turn off shower.
  17. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
  18. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.
  19. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
  20. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
  21. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
  22. Tweeze hairs.
  23. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
  24. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How to Shower Like a Man:

   1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
   2. Leave them in a pile.
   3. Walk naked to the bathroom.
   4. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
   5. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (you don't)
   6. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
   7. Get in shower.
   8. Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.
   9. Wash your face.
  10. Wash your armpits.
  11. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
  12. Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
  13. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
  14. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
  15. Shampoo your hair.
  16. Do not use conditioner.
  17. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
  18. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
  19. Pee (in the shower).
  20. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
  21. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
  22. Partially dry off.
  23. Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
  24. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
  25. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
  26. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.
  27. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
  28. Throw wet towel on the bed.
  29. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.