Vents: Random Acts of Venting!

[lex]

lex: Been there a couple of times myself. Fortunately I had some close friends upon whom I leaned during those times. You might consider asking some of your friends what their plans are and try to invite some of them over for a turkey holocaust dinner you all whip up. Or do like "me" says in a previous post. That's a great idea.

Divorce is hard, but you have to move forward. Know that what you currently feel (forgiveness) is a stage, and at some point you may feel resentful/angry in its place. Prepare for this and develop a contingency plan to deal with it when it comes. (Vacation, trip out of town, some kind of event that will take your mind away from the anger).

GET YOUR REST! Individuals in your position are at high risk of developing depression, and it can sneak up on you before you know it. Go to sleep early if you have to, just make sure you get at least 8 hours of sleep every night. Do not deviate from this if at all possible. Sleep deprivation is a large contributor to depression. Exercise helps as well, just make sure you complete whatever regmine you choose at least 4 hours before it is time to sleep. Don't do it any later than this.

Stay off the booze/drugs/caffeine. Find something you have a passion for (hobby) and get into it every chance you get. Keep busy! And if you have some things on your mind, call on us. We'll be more than happy to help you anyway we can! 

Thanks for the advice, I didn't know that about sleep deprivation.

But its too late to avoid depression. I was suffering from depression before the separation/divorce, it was like throwing gas on a fire. Only a deep sense of faith kept me from offing my self several times. In fact, I have been through the anger part, my sense of faith kept me from offing a bunch of others who contributed greatly to the problem.

Frankly none of them are worth burning in hell over I figured even though the collective lot of them was more than tempting at times. Hence I put in contingency plans such as moving my firearms and deadly weapons collection to a friend's care. He knows me well enough to not let me have access unless he could determine if I was unhinged or not. It turned out to be a great idea and saved lots of lives for it gave me some cool off time I wouldn't have normally had.

You may think I am sounding a bit nuts, but I am talking about dopers, drug dealers, criminals and massive alcoholics that are part of my POS sister-in-laws crew that got their meat hooks into my wife. There was a time when I was younger this crew wouldn't have dared crossed me. But a decade plus of being a good law abiding, peaceful and Christian citizen puts serious dents in your street rep.

I have felt many times as if I am being punished for making the "good choices" in my life. And the old ways have called to me to settle this "old school". But I am not that person anymore. I will not give up what I have in God, or cross back over to that darkness for anyone.

I have to forgive. If not, I will judge them and judgment is for God. I have had help forgiving them. I recently fell deathly ill and almost died in the hospital. As I lay dying in the emergency room, I made my peace with God fully. I cleared my conscience to meet my maker by fully forgiving EVERYONE of anything I could recall. And I meant it deeply.

Well, it turns out I lived and I will honor my forgiveness and I believe I am on the road to finding a deep peace. It's just now and then, I remember, and when I do my heart aches with a very deep and sad pain.

[Palehorse]

Thanks for the clarification lex. I appreciate your willingness to share your situation with us, and am relieved to read it appears you have a firm grasp on the situation.

I share in the frustration surrounding "old school" verses the present, and have had occasion to reflect on it several times in the last year or two. I have to admit I like the present a little more than I would have thought I would. And I take no small measure of joy from the fact that when my reactions are not what they would have been a decade or two ago, it takes some folks by surprise. In fact, it sometimes makes them very afraid; which I am only too willing to let them be most of the time.  (When it serves my purpose of course). 

Just know that if you need someone to bounce something off of,(or perhaps vent a little) I am here. 

[tallulahdahling]

fixT

Well, I thought of that but I didn't want to get sued by Kathy Griffin for stealing her material   

[lex]

Thanks for the clarification lex. I appreciate your willingness to share your situation with us, and am relieved to read it appears you have a firm grasp on the situation.

I share in the frustration surrounding "old school" verses the present, and have had occasion to reflect on it several times in the last year or two. I have to admit I like the present a little more than I would have thought I would. And I take no small measure of joy from the fact that when my reactions are not what they would have been a decade or two ago, it takes some folks by surprise. In fact, it sometimes makes them very afraid; which I am only too willing to let them be most of the time.  (When it serves my purpose of course). 

Just know that if you need someone to bounce something off of,(or perhaps vent a little) I am here. 

Though I would never wish this kind of situation on anyone, I find some comfort that I am not the only person to go through this. I should seriously count my blessings, for I am far better off now than I was when I was with her. Sometimes I feel that God was watching a bad situation and finally had enough and let the devil take a wrecking ball to my life so that it could be rebuilt.

I try to look forward now. It can be rather exciting, the new prospects, and perhaps an adventure or two left in me. But I struggle with wanting to have someone, I miss being married. I hate to be alone. I don't want to settle for a cat, but I know a cat would be far less of a pain in the ass than a woman. And I am still left with the want of a woman to have wild screaming sex with.

But the problem is I am gun shy around women now. My xwife before she went through some midlife crisis was sweet and trustworthy as they come. Nobody seen this coming out of her, so that really spooks me as far as trusting women. Before I was married, I had plenty of fast women but that kind are never the kind you want to settle down with. I was dumb enough to even try to settle a few down, but that didn't work out.

Mostly now I am worried that I am just obsessed with finding someone, anyone to validate myself after the massive betrayal and rejection of the divorce. That kind of mental state can lead a guy to make some truly dumbass choices and frankly I have had enough failure to last a lifetime. I have my quota of LOSE, its time to start winning.

I feel the smart money is on being a bit selfish for a while and working on me and me alone. I am so used to carrying about and for someone else that it feels alien and wrong to focus just on myself. But I need to get over hating myself and to do that I think I need to change the things I am not happy with and bring about some changes that I can feel solid about. Time is the nagging issue, I am not getting any younger and I know how well time slips past one.

But at least until things are better, there is PORN!! Bwahahahah!

[Palehorse]

 

Sounds like your head is screwed on tight lex. Take it one day at a time, and don't obsess with having someone in your life. I'm the same way and went through the very same feelings. Eventually you forget about it. . .err. . .no, you don't really. Probably better to say you find some higher priorities and start working on those instead. Anyway, the point is that eventually some little Philly is going to wiggle her way into your heart and eventually you'll have to give in to the trust your heart is screaming to extend.

Prepare for the worst. Make each potential candidate you encounter earn your trust. Don't give it automatically to any one of them, as much as your heart may scream for you to do so. And sit down this evening or next and set a date out in the future, preferably 12 months from now, before which you will do nothing that could lead to a serious relationship. Stick to this too. No more than 1 date a week with the same female. And NO overnights for at least the first 6 months. Set the goal. You will be far better off in the long run since doing this will decrease the chances of a "rebound" relationship wherein you are blinded by lust and the overwhelming need to have a woman in your life; thereby internally validating behaviors that in reality really rub you the long way 6 months from now.

You are by no means alone! I too have always needed a woman in my life, and I recall feeling the same things you wrote down after my first marriage ran aground. The second lasted 15 years; a decade and a half of telling myself I was wrong and remaining loyal to a selfish woman. . . VERY selfish.

I went several years after number 2. And then stalled several more while I tried to make sure number 3 was the one. She is. And if by some twist of fate she turns out to not be I am stopping there and admitting I am broken. . . But I like it that way so I am not changing either. 

I guess in the end it comes down to risk and reward. If you don't take the risk you cannot obtain the reward. The optimist in me keeps saying I can find it. I think I have and strongly believe it too. I damned sure hope so because I'm tired of giving away houses!

[Dexter Morgan]

She's actually older than me and has been w/this company for a lot longer than I have. I moved w/this company from Baltimore two years ago. Considering her age and how long she's been w/the company she should be senior to me. I don't think that's her problem though. I think it's something going on at home that's manifesting itself in the work place.

That's probably it. I hate it when people don't check their emotional baggage, before going to work. She ought to know, how to keep it under control, at work though. 

[Dexter Morgan]

My mini vent is its a lonely holiday season for me. The divorce was in January of this year and it will be the first year of being alone. Heartache I have found is physical and hurts deeper than any wound I have ever suffered.

I refuse to hate. I forgive and keep forgiving. Perhaps someday, I will find peace.

Actually lex, you wont be spending the holiday alone, you've got your friends here at The Zone, to keep you company.   

[Dexter Morgan]

Spouses can be dirty rotten cheating dogs and if one thinks they are screwing around, then by all means it's fair to find out WTF they are up to. After all, cheaters deserve no mercy. They burn their mates in so many ways it's sickening. I have had it happen to me, and I have seen it happen to soooo many others.

I worked as a private eye when I was younger. Cheating spouses was one thing we worked on to prove one way or another. If one suspects, its good to know either way. It might be painful or it might bring a world of relief and an end to mental anguish.

If you haven't had some sneaky rat of a mate cheat on you, then don't judge people who are going through it. It makes sane people real nuts real fast.

If she mistrusts him that much, she ought to ditch the loser IMO!!! Why waste time on someone you don't trust? 

[Sandy Eggo]

If she mistrusts him that much, she ought to ditch the loser IMO!!! Why waste time on someone you don't trust? 

Exactly!

[Sandy Eggo]

Actually lex, you wont be spending the holiday alone, you've got your friends here at The Zone, to keep you company.   

That's true. I'll be cooking tomorrow, but in between this and that I'll be stopping in. I imagine others will be too.

[Dexter Morgan]

That's true. I'll be cooking tomorrow, but in between this and that I'll be stopping in. I imagine others will be too.

I definately will.  What's a day without The Zone? total crap,that's what. 

[Mother_Earth]

..pretty tame vents in here..

[lex]

Sounds like your head is screwed on tight lex. Take it one day at a time, and don't obsess with having someone in your life. I'm the same way and went through the very same feelings. Eventually you forget about it. . .err. . .no, you don't really. Probably better to say you find some higher priorities and start working on those instead. Anyway, the point is that eventually some little Philly is going to wiggle her way into your heart and eventually you'll have to give in to the trust your heart is screaming to extend.

Prepare for the worst. Make each potential candidate you encounter earn your trust. Don't give it automatically to any one of them, as much as your heart may scream for you to do so. And sit down this evening or next and set a date out in the future, preferably 12 months from now, before which you will do nothing that could lead to a serious relationship. Stick to this too. No more than 1 date a week with the same female. And NO overnights for at least the first 6 months. Set the goal. You will be far better off in the long run since doing this will decrease the chances of a "rebound" relationship wherein you are blinded by lust and the overwhelming need to have a woman in your life; thereby internally validating behaviors that in reality really rub you the long way 6 months from now.

You are by no means alone! I too have always needed a woman in my life, and I recall feeling the same things you wrote down after my first marriage ran aground. The second lasted 15 years; a decade and a half of telling myself I was wrong and remaining loyal to a selfish woman. . . VERY selfish.

I went several years after number 2. And then stalled several more while I tried to make sure number 3 was the one. She is. And if by some twist of fate she turns out to not be I am stopping there and admitting I am broken. . . But I like it that way so I am not changing either. 

I guess in the end it comes down to risk and reward. If you don't take the risk you cannot obtain the reward. The optimist in me keeps saying I can find it. I think I have and strongly believe it too. I damned sure hope so because I'm tired of giving away houses!

I am beginning to think getting a cat and castrated might be the answer. And perhaps a lobotomy. 

[lex]

If she mistrusts him that much, she ought to ditch the loser IMO!!! Why waste time on someone you don't trust? 

That is easy to answer why. Emotional investments aren't easily dropped. Also, someone can put up some signs of cheating and not be cheating and it would be good to KNOW the facts before taking action. There is also the chance that someone else you trust is involved and its good to know the facts about that too. Sure it's painful, but the knives that can end up in your back can be even worse.

It's ugly, horrible and nobody should suffer though it, but it's not a perfect world and people do some really evil things to each other.

[Dexter Morgan]

..pretty tame vents in here..

We're keeping it mellow for the holiday LOL!!!