ranting and raving

[awol]

awol......why do you have to cause such controversy?  Did you know you are my pal?   LOL

i get irate at a few people 

i feel so special now!:biggrin:

[pariann]

Well, I think people just want to jump at their first thought at what others say, rather than delve a little deeper into the OP's topic and question back.  Come to an understanding, maybe, before actually espousing their opinion.

This guy though, he went around to all the forums and ASKED other vets to come see your thread.  That's a rumble in my opinion, when someone seems to expect all others of the same group to back him up.  I gotta say though, and I will be hammered by someone somewhere, I don't think a uniform and a gun automatically affords someone respect.  I remember a time when those same people were forced to join the military with their only choice being cross the border if they didn't want to.  And others given the choice of prison or the service.   No, I don't think everyone who joins does so with honor in mind, so why should I automatically honor and respect them.  Especially when a so called Marine comes out of the service and beats on me every time I turn around for nearly 4 years??

[Monroe]

pariann, why do women stay with abusive men, often for years?  I have seen this over and over.  While I now understand that it happens I still do not understand why. 

One woman I knew was choked to unconsciousness twice that I know of (by her Desert Storm vet husband) but they stayed together.  That is, they stayed together until one day while he slept she took his pistol and shot him in the head.  She should be getting out of prison soon. 

My stepdaughter's husband has not worked in over a year.  He is a drug addict and a thief.  She sometimes gives us some stuff so he will not pawn it.  He lives off her, a full time student with a job and baby.  He is sometime physically abusive but often psychologically controlling and abusive.  She is smart and sexy and a hard worker.  He quit school in 10th, a loser.  She does not need him for support and as a man/male he could be easily be replaced by a better version.  Why the hell?

[me]

pariann, why do women stay with abusive men, often for years?  I have seen this over and over.  While I now understand that it happens I still do not understand why. 

One woman I knew was choked to unconsciousness twice that I know of (by her Desert Storm vet husband) but they stayed together.  That is, they stayed together until one day while he slept she took his pistol and shot him in the head.  She should be getting out of prison soon. 

My stepdaughter's husband has not worked in over a year.  He is a drug addict and a thief.  She sometimes gives us some stuff so he will not pawn it.  He lives off her, a full time student with a job and baby.  He is sometime physically abusive but often psychologically controlling and abusive.  She is smart and sexy and a hard worker.  He quit school in 10th, a loser.  She does not need him for support and as a man/male he could be easily be replaced by a better version.  Why the hell?

Because most generally they are mentally abusive too and have convinced the woman she couldn't do any better because no one else would have her.  They know what buttons to push and push them to the max. 

[awol]

SHIT!!!!

NOW I'M MOTHER-FUCKING DR. PHIL!?!?!?!

ok, i had to get that out.

back to regularly scheduled programming.

up next, how to take charge of you life without maxxing your credit cards.

[Palehorse]

As me said, the psychological component of their sick and twisted games plays a major hand in keeping the woman within reach. It may sound strange to say this but it is the old Marine Corps method of breaking down the recruit and then building them back up, taken to its extreme and leaving off the building back up part.

These women are most often psychologically addicted to the abuser. They are convinced that without them they would die, either through dependence issues or actual physical fear of being killed for leaving him.  They are sick and in need of intense debriefing and counseling in order to even see the twisted situation they are in most of the time. And even then, there are no guarantees.

There is help available and if you happen to live near Hancock or Madison counties Please pm me if you know someone who needs help or is in an abusive relationship, or if you yourself are being subjected to this kind of environment. I can personally put you in touch with someone to help you take those first, hard steps toward moving your life onto the path of what it was meant to be, and make sure you are safe from danger.

Confidentiality is the law. If you do not trust even me (Yep, I'm a "man") then I encourage you to get the help you need any way you can. Get out before it is too late!

You can start here:

http://www.prevailinc.com/

(Note: This is a link to a not for profit entity that specializes in providing women and children in abusive relationships a safe haven, protection, and legal assistance in removing the threats from your lives.)

One call can get you back to a life free from abuse.

[smokeykat]

pariann, why do women stay with abusive men, often for years?  I have seen this over and over.  While I now understand that it happens I still do not understand why. 

One woman I knew was choked to unconsciousness twice that I know of (by her Desert Storm vet husband) but they stayed together.  That is, they stayed together until one day while he slept she took his pistol and shot him in the head.  She should be getting out of prison soon. 

My stepdaughter's husband has not worked in over a year.  He is a drug addict and a thief.  She sometimes gives us some stuff so he will not pawn it.  He lives off her, a full time student with a job and baby.  He is sometime physically abusive but often psychologically controlling and abusive.  She is smart and sexy and a hard worker.  He quit school in 10th, a loser.  She does not need him for support and as a man/male he could be easily be replaced by a better version.  Why the hell?

I was once one of those women.  My ex husband was not so much physically abusive as he was mentally abusive towards me.  He wore me down every day that I was with him.  In his eyes, I didn't amount to anything....I could do nothing right.  I was the worst mom ever....couldn't keep house right....never cooked dinner on time or right...I was ugly..I was fat...nobody else would want me.  If I left, I couldn't take my kids with me.  But he didn't want them either...he liked it when they were out of sight.  I finally got the courage to leave in 1989 after 15 years of marriage.  But he convinced me that what I was doing was wrong and after a few weeks...yep..I went back.  Stayed for another year.  Finally left and haven't been back since.  I met my 'Now" husband in 1994.  We became very good friends and stayed that way.  I would not commit myself to another relationship.  I was scared....but after a while I did learn to love again.  My hubby and I have been married for 9 years now and he is the total opposite of my ex.  I am still fat...still ugly....but my hubby now tells me that in his eyes I am beautiful.....and if I want to lose weight....well then do it for me and nobody else.  He tells me that I am smart....heck I even made the Dean's List at college twice now....and he tells me that I can do anything that I set my mind too.  Abuse can be overcome.....but it takes a while to learn to trust again.  I know...I have been there.

[me]

I was once one of those women.  My ex husband was not so much physically abusive as he was mentally abusive towards me.  He wore me down every day that I was with him.  In his eyes, I didn't amount to anything....I could do nothing right.  I was the worst mom ever....couldn't keep house right....never cooked dinner on time or right...I was ugly..I was fat...nobody else would want me.  If I left, I couldn't take my kids with me.  But he didn't want them either...he liked it when they were out of sight.  I finally got the courage to leave in 1989 after 15 years of marriage.  But he convinced me that what I was doing was wrong and after a few weeks...yep..I went back.  Stayed for another year.  Finally left and haven't been back since.  I met my 'Now" husband in 1994.  We became very good friends and stayed that way.  I would not commit myself to another relationship.  I was scared....but after a while I did learn to love again.  My hubby and I have been married for 9 years now and he is the total opposite of my ex.  I am still fat...still ugly....but my hubby now tells me that in his eyes I am beautiful.....and if I want to lose weight....well then do it for me and nobody else.  He tells me that I am smart....heck I even made the Dean's List at college twice now....and he tells me that I can do anything that I set my mind too.  Abuse can be overcome.....but it takes a while to learn to trust again.  I know...I have been there.

Were you married to my ex too?  From the sounds of it we both lucked out only it took me 35yrs to get smart.  The only thing good I can say about my former marriage is it helped me appreciate what I have now even more.  Its a shame it can't work out for all abused spouse's like it has for us smokeykat.  The reason I say spouse's instead of women is because there are men who are married to abusive spouse's too. 

[pariann]

Monroe, I can't answer for other women. I wasn't brainwashed by techniques. I could leave anytime. I had support from family.  The thing was, I didn't want my family to know I made a mistake.  So I never talked about the abuse, or his temper. I didn't have to wear long pants and long sleeves in the summer to hide bruises. But I suffered physical abuse.

There were two other reasons why I stayed.  One was that I refused to believe that my marriage was a failure.  I was going to stick it out until death do us part, because that is the vow I made.  The second reason, I had a situation with my children back then, related to his abusiveness If I left  him and gave the reason why, I would have to admit I lied about how my daughter was hurt.  Which I did to protect both her and I.  The day he told me he wanted a divorce.....I had had enough, and I told him fine.  2 months later, 3 days later I was packed up and on my way back to Indiana, 3 weeks later, I was divorced.  It was a lot easier for me, than it is for most women.

[Palehorse]

I'm sorry pari but I don't see a valid argument but rather, self validation within your post. If (and I believe you) you were in an abusive relationship you stayed because you made a choice to, which you are now trying to validate.

Vanity? NOT a reason to stay.

If your family supported you, then they had to know or suspect right? If they didn't know then how could they support you in an effort or desire to remove yourself and your child from such an environment?

You lied to the authorities? (Take a number on that one. Women and children in similar and worse situations do the very same thing every day.) Shame on you, but it is your choice. A choice I suspect you now regret in hindsight? (Or should).

Was it faith or pride that prevented you from making an intelligent choice? Either one is an empty reason to make such a decision.

Bravo for you that you made the choice to finally break free. Bravo! But please don't try to validate your reasoning for the time it took you to make the choice, when for the "average" woman such a delay has a high probability of ending in severe physical injury  at best, and increasingly death.

Sorry, this is a very emotional topic for me. I have strong feelings on the subject. . . and I am sticking to them. Nothing personal intended.

[pariann]

I have strong feelings on the subject too.  But those are exactly the reasons I was there.  Look how easily I left.  I'm not saying I was not afraid/scared. I was much of the time.  But I could have left and he wouldn't have hunted me down and tried to bring me back.   

My family is always supportive of us kids, as long as we don't abuse their generosity.  I'm also not saying they didn't suspect, but they didn't ask, and I didn't tell.   There is a huge element of the old fashioned from my generation backwards. There are just things you don't talk about. Thank God it's not there going forwards.  I wish my kids were NOT as open with me as they are.  But they are, and so I'm in a better position to advise and help them if they need it.

[Palehorse]

The very basis of your perspective is the backbone of hundreds of thousands of stories told to the authorities each and every day across this nation. And, it is the same hollow method of creating that self-fulfilling prophecy that leads to the physical and mental attrocities these women and children are subjected to each and every day.

It is the reason we hear so many "breaking-news" reports from cities coast-to-coast that surround the murder of a woman. It is a predictable and accelerating time-line that more often than not leads to one of these stories. (Whether it is covered by the media or not).

There is no valid reason to subject yourself or your children to such a situation. Ever. Thats not saying I am somehow putting you down for making the decision. The point is you made it and were able to get out in time. The whole idea is to Break the cycle before it breaks you!

[me]

I'm glad you were able to leave your situation too pari. 

[pariann]

It is the reason we hear so many "breaking-news" reports from cities coast-to-coast that surround the murder of a woman. It is a predictable and accelerating time-line that more often than not leads to one of these stories. (Whether it is covered by the media or not).

Like I said, concerning the kids, there is a backstory there that I prefer not to talk about.  My daughter was hurt, ONCE. Never again. He was not even allowed to physically discipline, though he tried..........which is where a number of my physical abuses came in.  I didn't allow him to touch my kids in anger.  And to this day no one else is allowed to either.  If they even look to be threatened, I will step up in between them. Had a chance to do that just yesterday.  I don't know what I'm thinking when I do that, it just seems to be automatic.  If I see my kids being threatened,  step between and dare them. While my hand is on my cell phone ready to dial the police.  Something that I never did in those years of marriage.

I'm lucky to be here today, and to have the other 5 girls to try to protect.   I, too, was choked unconscious twice.  And you don't know it until you manage to come to.  I also had the opportunity to shoot him once and put him out of everyone's misery, but my mind was working. Had I pulled that trigger when the gun was pointed at him, I probably wouldn't be here today for that reason either.  And I would be a grandmother without knowing my grandchildren. 

What I think is that a lot of people can learn about abuse, and think they know why we who are abused do what we do, but unless you are the abused, you will never fully understand.  There are people who are stronger than the abuse, who simply believe that they made a choice and have to see it through to the end.  I will say that for most of my marriage to that man, my children didn't live with me and 4 months after they came home permanently, when I wouldn't give them up for adoption, he said he wanted a divorce.  I chose my kids over my vows.  I will choose my kids over anything. Oh yeah, he was not the father of my children. The only child I had with him, died about 8 hours after he was born.  Tell's me a lot about the connection with him, it wasn't supposed to remain intact.

[Dexter Morgan]

Until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes you don't what you would do. I think Pariann handled it the best way she could. She loves her children more than anything else in the world, like a Mom should. I wish my Mom would have stuck up for me when I was a child. She is a very weak woman. Kudos to you Pariann for getting out of that situation, and being able to live your life, for your children.  ,