Random Comments

[libby]

Ending It All


A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

       Well. I have to say that shows a total lack of respect for older women (especially those who never wore bras), and, further,
....

....

....

[me]

 

http://www.youtube.com/v/Y1cUkCVCun4

[Da Wham]

The Answer

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

[Da Wham]

Drivers Education Exam Answers


Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your steering wheel.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Badda-boom!

[Sandy Eggo]

I did a detoxifying bath tonight. Ahhhhmazing!

http://m.wikihow.com/Take-a-Detox-Bath

Bedtime really soon

[Palehorse]

[Da Wham]

Little Johnny... Definite Definition


The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, then I definitely sh*t my pants."


Badda-Bing!

[me]

I like the Allman Brothers but they sure can drag songs out sometimes....... 

[Da Wham]

Devil in the Church


One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Da Wham]

Alien Abduction


Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.

"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.

Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."

Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"

"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.

Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"

Ted responds, "Carl."

[Sandy Eggo]

Sooooo what!

[libby]

Random acts of kindness:

Today was not one of my better days. I wore something pink to make me feel better, but I still felt kinda out of sync. Decided to go by the local post office and drop off the bills I'd just paid. I parked and walked, deep in thought, toward the PO and noticed, as I got almost to the door, that there was a man to my right walking toward it also. He got there first, and opened the door and waited for me go in. I smiled and said, "thank you, sir," and he replied, "My pleasure, darlin'," with a smile. We walked in and I went toward the mail drop slot while he walked to the door to the area where people were standing in line -- a long line that extended outside the door.  I put my mail in the slot and turned to go, and there he was, standing there with a smile, and asked if I had a stamp I'd sell him so he wouldn't have to wait in that line (he had one letter in his hand). I said yes, but I wouldn't sell it -- that he was welcome to it. He said, "Thank you, darlin' " and I think that time I blushed 

And two strangers walked out to their own cars and drove away with smiles on their faces.

[Locutus]

Good story. 

[libby]

Thank you, sir. 

[Henry Hawk]

Good story. 

I agree!  I love a good story like that to start my day.