Sick of all the lies!

[Lester Sasquatch]

  That is hysterical funny bullshit, Lester!       

thanks bob

[Lester Sasquatch]

Attention Martin County Residents!

Chupacabra Red Alert!!

I have spent the last hour taking depositions and completed an accurate depiction from the descriptions given by two witnesses that saw a Chupacabra attack last night near the White River. Among my special skills is that I am a well respected professional sketch artist and have helped many sheriff departments with drawings of suspects in Indiana and Illinois. The Chupacabra killed several goats owned by Marvin White who raises them for their meat. From the accounts provided by the witnesses, that will remain anonymous for now, the Chupacabra was caught in the headlights of their car when they were looking for a place to park and watch the stars. The creature stands on its hind legs, is 4 foot tall, scales or skin (no Fur), and has large canine teeth. If you see a creature matching this description, DO NOT APPROACH! Call 911 and report the location. This has been a public service announcement from the Paranoid People of Martin County, a not for profit organization whose purpose is the warn and protect the local community from domestic, foreign, and intergalactic threats.

Accurate Renderig by Professional Sketch Artist Lester Sasquatch

[LOsborne]

Moonshine Miller has done it again!

Lester, I'm smelling patent infringement. I'm certain SAC developed the early stages of this technology. He used it primarily for a party trick, and abandoned research after that bonfire where he burned his wienie.

[Lester Sasquatch]

Lester, I'm smelling patent infringement. I'm certain SAC developed the early stages of this technology. He used it primarily for a party trick, and abandoned research after that bonfire where he burned his wienie.

]

Nah, that was a simple backfire. The SOB is suing me claiming the fire was due to a pair of defective Thunderpants. I am sure it was one of those cheap Chinese knockoffs he had on. Every pair of Thunderpants has a unique 8 digit serial number, SAC's had a 6 digit in Chinese characters. At Thunderpants Corporation we guarantee every pair that go out our doors are comfartable and fit the wearer like a glove assuring a good high pressure seal. No, SAC just likes to sue folks. Moonshine has a patent of the spincter nozzle system, without it all you have is someone passing gas.

[LOsborne]

Well then, I guess he can pay your doctor bills, workmans comp claim, and exterminator bills too!  That'll make him wish he let you go to Homewood Suites! 

(Take 3 bottles of Patron with you. You won't want to pay the excise tax on booze for the Cincy Stadium if you run out!)

PH, remember I said I would forward your remarks to Richard? I did. Today he told me I could move to Homewood Suites if I could document a bedbug infestation at the Hilton. Then he reiterated all the steps Lester had given me. Last he handed me a digital camera, and a company laptop.

I have to email him proof, but if I find it, I'm Homewood bound!


Edit: I then spent about forty minutes configuring the laptop, and dropped in on y'all while I was at it. You guys have more fun during the day than I do!

[Palehorse]

PH, remember I said I would forward your remarks to Richard? I did. Today he told me I could move to Homewood Suites if I could document a bedbug infestation at the Hilton. Then he reiterated all the steps Lester had given me. Last he handed me a digital camera, and a company laptop.

I have to email him proof, but if I find it, I'm Homewood bound!


Edit: I then spent about forty minutes configuring the laptop, and dropped in on y'all while I was at it. You guys have more fun during the day than I do!

Find some on the internet and download the pics on the camera card. . . then e-mail them to him. DONE! 

[Lester Sasquatch]

Another witness has come forward with more disturbing news concerning the recent Chupcabra outbreak. Linda Hooten, who works at a local bar and grill was on her way home during the early morning hours of October 23, 2010 when she saw a movement on the gravel road in the front of her vehicle. As she got closer, a large chupacabra ran right out in front of the headlights on her 1978 Chevy Blazer. Linda rolled up her windows and locked the doors on her vehicle and drove the remaining two miles to her modest ranch style home. The motion activated floodlight mounted on the eave of her garage went on and Linda got out and ran to her door. While she was digging in her purse of the keys to the front door, she heard her dog Barney barking at something behind the house. Before she could gain entrance, she noticed movement in the shadows behind the mulberry tree located on the East side of her house. Linda was able to get her hand held flashlight from her purse and shined it towards the disturbance and saw the chupacabra running on its hind legs directly at her. Linda is shown here demonstrating the chupacabra's exact movements she observed as she opened her front door and fell inside.

Linda Hooten demonstrating the scary moves of a chupacabra

Early the next morning, after a sleepless night, Linda Hooten armed herself with her favorite home defense weapon, the Mossberg pump action 12 gauge shotgun with a pistol grip better known as the "cruiser" model, and went outside. Linda immediately realized something was amiss when Barney failed to bark in anticipation of his morning meal. Linda, with her trusty Mossberg locked and loaded, walked around the side of her garage where Barney's kennel is located. See was greeted by a sight that can best be described as extremely horrible. Linda broke down into tears when she saw a huge hole ripped in the side of the chain link kennel and poor Barney's lifeless body laying outside his doghouse. Further investigation revealed that poor Barney's neck has two large puncture wounds and his body was devoid of blood. Linda went back inside and immediately called the PPMC hot line. I answered the call and called out the PPMC rapid response team, a unit of highly trained paramilitary professionals who were on the scene in a matter of minutes. The team was able to ascertain that Barney was attacked by a chupacabra by the footprints left at the scene. A necropsy was performed on Barney by our residential medical officer, Freddy Coonrod, who also took tissue samples from the ripped up chain link fencing where the attacker had injured itself for DNA analysis.

Folks, the chupacabra is no laughing matter. They are dangerous, sneaky, and vicious! If you see a chupacabra, do not approach it. Call the PPMC emergency hot line at 1-800-IM-SCARED and report it to us. Our rapid response team is trained to handle any emergency. I was able to procure a detailed picture of the typical chupacabra for identification purposes. I suggest the readers print out this picture and carry it in their purse or wallet for reference.

Chupacabra Pocket Reference

[followsthewolf]

I frequently have nightmares about a blind date at Purdue -- she is a dead ringer for Linda.

[Lester Sasquatch]

I frequently have nightmares about a blind date at Purdue -- she is a dead ringer for Linda.

On the information sheet she filled out Linda writes she is a graduate of Purdue! Maybe fate has brought you together again.

[The Troll]

On the information sheet she filled out Linda writes she is a graduate of Purdue! Maybe fate has brought you together again.

  I hear things are bad for Purdue Graduates, especially this year.  I hear that the dean of Purdue is going to tell the engineering graduates that there are no longer jobs for engineers in the USA.  China is #1.

  But the good news is that the new engineers can place their diplomas on the dash of their cars and park in the handicapped spaces and also fire lanes. 

[Lester Sasquatch]

I have some rather disturbing news. Today I learned that my brother, who lives in a remote area of Perry County, was savagely attacked in his cave this morning by a chupacabra. Melvin Sasquatch is in serious condition from injuries suffered in that attack. This particular chupacabra was one of the most dangerous because it carries those flesh eating bacterias in its saliva. My close friend and renowned cryptozoologist, Loren Coleman, tells me he believes the reason these flesh eating bacterias thrive in the mouths of the chupacabra is because of their notoriously poor hygiene habit of never brushing their teeth. Poor Melvin is in intensive care at the local Bigfoot Medical Clinic where he is being kept under constant watch. We are not sure but think that Melvin was able to take a single picture of the Chupacabra just as it attacked from its hidden perch above a corridor in Melvin's cave.

Picture recovered from Melvin Sasquatch's cell phone

What is obvious by this photo is the fact that the Chupacabra pictured lacks a tail. Loren Coleman informed me via telephone that this is not uncommon. The chupacabra can shed its tail when attacked and will later regrow another replacement tail. I speculate that sometime earlier Melvin caught this same creature and, in fear for its life possibly because my brother had hold of its tail, the chupacabra  shed its tail then to get revenge, viciously ambushed Melvin when he was alone in his cave. I am taking up a collection to help pay poor Melvin's medical costs which will be substantial since he has no health insurance. He applied and was turned down for the state health program, HIP, simply because they determined he was not human. Melvin is divorced with two children that he loves dearly. I do not know what will happen if we lose Melvin, he is the sole provider for little Ernie and Mindy Sasquatch.

[Sandy Eggo]

Lester, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother's condition. It's horrible and shocking to think that things like that can happen in that neighborhood.

I do have an off topic question though...Sasquatch can get married, but not have health insurance? I understand the not quite human part, but I'm surprised that Sasquatch marriages weren't regulated in much the same way the government is imposing control over same sex marriages based on the "not quite human factor". 

[Bo D]

Lester, I too am sorry to hear the terrible news. About that health insurance problem ... there may be hope. There is a Government program that few people have heard about for which your case would be perfect. Maybe you could appeal your case to Kinky Friedman.

Thursday, 29 October 2009
Barack Obama Appoints Kinky Friedman As Chupacabra Czar


President Barack Obama added another Czar to his cabinet with the appointment of Kinky Friedman as his Chupacabra Czar. Friedman is a singer, writer, and comedian who has also run unsuccessfully on an independent ticket to be the Governor of Texas. His most famous song may be "I'm Proud to Be An Asshole From El Paso," a take off on "Okie From Muskogee."

According to the White House Press Office, the position of Chupacabra Czar will be to keep the President and the Cabinet fully informed of all chupacabra affairs and sitings, both foreign and domestic.

[Lester Sasquatch]

Lester, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother's condition. It's horrible and shocking to think that things like that can happen in that neighborhood.

I do have an off topic question though...Sasquatch can get married, but not have health insurance? I understand the not quite human part, but I'm surprised that Sasquatch marriages weren't regulated in much the same way the government is imposing control over same sex marriages based on the "not quite human factor".

I think that there are more restrictions on health care insurance than marriage. It certainly isn't fair is it?

[Lester Sasquatch]

Lester, I too am sorry to hear the terrible news. About that health insurance problem ... there may be hope. There is a Government program that few people have heard about for which your case would be perfect. Maybe you could appeal your case to Kinky Friedman.

Thursday, 29 October 2009
Barack Obama Appoints Kinky Friedman As Chupacabra Czar


President Barack Obama added another Czar to his cabinet with the appointment of Kinky Friedman as his Chupacabra Czar. Friedman is a singer, writer, and comedian who has also run unsuccessfully on an independent ticket to be the Governor of Texas. His most famous song may be "I'm Proud to Be An Asshole From El Paso," a take off on "Okie From Muskogee."

According to the White House Press Office, the position of Chupacabra Czar will be to keep the President and the Cabinet fully informed of all chupacabra affairs and sitings, both foreign and domestic.

Thank you for the info! I have just sent an email to Mr. Kinky asking for relief in Melvin's case. Brother Melvin is a dyed in the wool democrat and chairman for the Bigfoot Democrat Party in Perry County.