God sucks!

[fitgeek24]

I have been sent from above/below/beyond/inside/outside with the following F.A.Q., signed and authenticated by: God, Satan, Buddha, Muhammad, Allah, the Anti-Christ, Hitler, Your Mom, and some other folks:

Legend: for simplicity's sake, the term "God" will be associated with your deity [or lackthereof] of preference.

1. If God is real, why does he let children and innocent people die?
Answer: Well, God does that because he hates you.  Deep down inside, he thinks your a little shit and does this to get his revenge on you.  He knows that "Bob" would really get pissed off at the idea of starvation, so he drops Africa out of the sky and tells them to breed like rabbits until there are more babies screaming than there are fish in the sea.  This "annoying" effect is unique and visible to each earthling in different ways.  For you, it might be hunger, for your neighbor, it might be cloudy days, and to gay folks, it might be AIDS.  God has an endless repertoire of divine ass beating in store for each of you, so suck it up: he's going to win.
Summary: God thinks you are a dick.

2. Why are Christians such assholes sometimes?
Answer: God is working through them to accomplish his goal, as stated in the previous answer.  The "annoying" Christians that seem to drop in and out of your life are simply manifestations of the above act.
Summary: God still thinks you are a dick.

3. Which God is the "real" God?
Answer: The one that gets you out of it, when you say "if you get me out of this, I'll do anything".  Subsequently, if no God has ever done this for you, it's more than likely because he considers you to be non-marketable as a follower.  You have to have something to bring to the table in the first place.  People most affected by this phenomenon are usually exceptionally: ugly, old, young, black, white, yellow, mexican, fat, skinny, unemployed, overworked, and jewish.  If you feel you have been looked-over in error, and that you are actually a potential valuable worshiper to said deity, the following appeal process exists.
Step 1: kill yourself (for ideas on "how", try www.google.com)
Step 2:upon arrival at after-life destination, plead your case.
Step 3: if your case is valid, expect to be sent back. 
Exception: If your case is invalid, your life was probably not worth living anyway; deal with it
Summary: There is no sure way to be sure without suicide.

4. My life is miserable, why would God even let me be born?
Answer: It was an accident. What actually happened was after your conception, God fully planned for you to be aborted.  Your cheap-ass Mom circumvented God's wishes by buying a discount abortion.  The result is you are now miserable.  If you find yourself in this situation, you may be able to get the "justice" you feel you deserve, by executing your birth-mother.  Afterwards, you might consider suicide, to avoid you wasting in more of our time with your half-cocked existence.
Summary: You are the product of a partially effective abortion.

5. Does God hate gay people?
Answer: Yes.  However, he does so with an equal level of hate, non-dependent on that persons degree off radiated gayness.  The same degree of hate is usually directed at their "straight" counterparts [causing this to be seen as a non-issue].
Answer: Yes.

I hope this has shed valuable light on your religious queries.  If you feel there were questions not included in this F.A.Q. that should have been, please put them in a reply post.

[followsthewolf]

 

[Locutus]

That's great!

[Sandy Eggo]

 

That's hilarious!

[IYT]

I have been sent from above/below/beyond/inside/outside with the following F.A.Q., signed and authenticated by: God, Satan, Buddha, Muhammad, Allah, the Anti-Christ, Hitler, Your Mom, and some other folks:

Legend: for simplicity's sake, the term "God" will be associated with your deity [or lackthereof] of preference.

1. If God is real, why does he let children and innocent people die?
Answer: Well, God does that because he hates you.  Deep down inside, he thinks your a little shit and does this to get his revenge on you.  He knows that "Bob" would really get pissed off at the idea of starvation, so he drops Africa out of the sky and tells them to breed like rabbits until there are more babies screaming than there are fish in the sea.  This "annoying" effect is unique and visible to each earthling in different ways.  For you, it might be hunger, for your neighbor, it might be cloudy days, and to gay folks, it might be AIDS.  God has an endless repertoire of divine ass beating in store for each of you, so suck it up: he's going to win.
Summary: God thinks you are a dick.

2. Why are Christians such assholes sometimes?
Answer: God is working through them to accomplish his goal, as stated in the previous answer.  The "annoying" Christians that seem to drop in and out of your life are simply manifestations of the above act.
Summary: God still thinks you are a dick.

3. Which God is the "real" God?
Answer: The one that gets you out of it, when you say "if you get me out of this, I'll do anything".  Subsequently, if no God has ever done this for you, it's more than likely because he considers you to be non-marketable as a follower.  You have to have something to bring to the table in the first place.  People most affected by this phenomenon are usually exceptionally: ugly, old, young, black, white, yellow, mexican, fat, skinny, unemployed, overworked, and jewish.  If you feel you have been looked-over in error, and that you are actually a potential valuable worshiper to said deity, the following appeal process exists.
Step 1: kill yourself (for ideas on "how", try www.google.com)
Step 2:upon arrival at after-life destination, plead your case.
Step 3: if your case is valid, expect to be sent back. 
Exception: If your case is invalid, your life was probably not worth living anyway; deal with it
Summary: There is no sure way to be sure without suicide.

4. My life is miserable, why would God even let me be born?
Answer: It was an accident. What actually happened was after your conception, God fully planned for you to be aborted.  Your cheap-ass Mom circumvented God's wishes by buying a discount abortion.  The result is you are now miserable.  If you find yourself in this situation, you may be able to get the "justice" you feel you deserve, by executing your birth-mother.  Afterwards, you might consider suicide, to avoid you wasting in more of our time with your half-cocked existence.
Summary: You are the product of a partially effective abortion.

5. Does God hate gay people?
Answer: Yes.  However, he does so with an equal level of hate, non-dependent on that persons degree off radiated gayness.  The same degree of hate is usually directed at their "straight" counterparts [causing this to be seen as a non-issue].
Answer: Yes.

I hope this has shed valuable light on your religious queries.  If you feel there were questions not included in this F.A.Q. that should have been, please put them in a reply post.

Does retardation mean God created you while he/she was stoned?

[IYT]

Also, if God is so pissed at us, why doesn't he just wipe us out with a comet or something?  Is it the systematic human suffering that gets him/her off?

[fitgeek24]

Also, if God is so pissed at us, why doesn't he just wipe us out with a comet or something?  Is it the systematic human suffering that gets him/her off?

I thought I answered all the "Why's" in the F.A.Q.  Just to re-iterate.

Question: Why does blah blah..whine whine..blah blah...happen to me/dad/mommy and why can't I...etc?
Answer: God still thinks your a dick.

[IYT]

As a Gonzo journalist, you should know you can never answer all the why's.  So God thinks we're dicks...my question:  why is systematic torture of humans is preferred by God as opposed to instantaneous obliteration?  Does God get off on this revenge?  Why wouldn't he just kill us all if he's so pissed at us?  Kind of sounds like God is a dick with some issues.  He would rather have us piss him off than just be rid of us.     

[fitgeek24]

As a Gonzo journalist, you should know you can never answer all the why's.  So God thinks we're dicks...my question:  why is systematic torture of humans is preferred by God as opposed to instantaneous obliteration?  Does God get off on this revenge?  Why wouldn't he just kill us all if he's so pissed at us?  Kind of sounds like God is a dick with some issues.  He would rather have us piss him off than just be rid of us.     

Oh, I'm not here to answer the "Why's".  I'm just relaying a F.A.Q. provided to me in a particular drug frenzy to the rest of you.  Take your issues up with [insert-god-here], I'm just the messenger.

Leave it to the rest of the board to offer wildly speculative answers to your questions if [insert-god-here] fails to return your phone calls.

[Locutus]

Kind of sounds like God is a dick with some issues. 

From my very first post in this thread.

... I'm left to draw the conclusion that in the best case, god simply sucks, or in the worst case he's just a prick who enjoys fucking with people.

[dan foster]

Breaking news people, this is a war zone, we are a fallen race and we are in enemy territory, and its an enemy that would love to off all of us thus hindering prophesy of the enemies demise. We got help, but aren't we a bunch of retards that can't pour urine out of a boot with the instructions on the bottom?

Retarded is thinking you are in the middle of some Star Wars episode with "the big guy" on your side.  Goofy.  Fallen race?  WTF is that?

[dan foster]

Obviously you have some reading comprehension problems, LMAO.

Sorry kiddo, these people I would imagine have had experiences that have lead them to believe. I know you would like to believe that Christians are all just a bunch of ignorant idiots and you dig elevating yourself and your petty "book learning" up above them. This arrogant bigotry really shows a lot about your character and indeed calls into question the quality of this "book learning" you hold so dear.

Again, I am sorry God can't be measured or exposed with our primitive science tools so that it can be shown to people to include the truly dim, but the whole thing is about faith, or perhaps a more simplistic explanation, trust. Without it, you will never see him, or even know where to look.

As far as why "shit happens" you been given reasonable explanations by me repeatedly, but you ignore them, which goes back to my saying, this really just a bash Christians thread. It started off trying to bait HH and you didn't get much satisfaction from him.

Gee, whining about name calling after you start off with the thread name calling and insulting people? ROFLMAO!

Insulting Islam? More reading comprehension problems, and digging desperately for some ammo to boot, tsk tsk.


Not really, they will obviously hire and pass about anyone. It's what you do with the "education" that counts. It's a piece of paper that MIGHT get you in the door, but if you suck you will not last. Hence the college grads flipping burgers
Hmm..Good Christian, bad Christian left for the day...I am a different kind of Christian.

So..I can be a little rough when you try to punk down my faith.

Consider my love like this, if you said these sort of insulting things to my face, I wouldn't off you and dispose of your body, I would let you slide and walk away. Might even pray for your goofy ass later, and mine for being so pisT.

I get the impression that lex hates academics due to some traumatic failure to either get in school, permanently, or failed in his disertation at the end.  You aren't going to start mailing bombs to anyone, are you?  There are educated smart people and educated dumb people as with any class of people.  I know people that know Social Science better than most professors, but never did anything but read and study on their own. 

I think the broad brush you use to discredit education is no better than mine that paints all religions in the same category; goofy.

[dan foster]

The god of abraham (jehovah, allah, yaweh, et al) is a dick, per the bible.  If "he" wiped us out, the game is over.  Pawns are much more fun to fuck with than rubble.

[lex]

I think the broad brush you use to discredit education is no better than mine that paints all religions in the same category; goofy.

Lol...you just called yourself goofy. Indeed, you are.(We agree on something  )...and with some reading comprehension problems as well, probably just comprehension problems all around. It's probably due to that large weed you have shoved up your ass tickling that one braincell so it can harp about religious people in singularity. Seriously do you do anything but bitch about religious people? You must have some major issues to be picking on a group of people that don't fight back due to their meek nature. And ...lol...God ...you pick on him due to the fact you got to figure he's a safe one for not coming down and kicking your ass.

Go grow some balls and take some of this angst out on some people in real life that can do something back about it. Your mutual mastrobation club here of God/Religion haters is frankly pathetic, and down right boring. Now stamp your little feet and say something really clever (in your own mind) back. Tell me how you really feel, lol, stop holding back.

[fitgeek24]

Don is so cute!  He's all devoted to pissing people off in a plays-in-his-own-shit sorta way.  Awwww =)