Random Musings of a Crazy Lady

[~Daisy~]

I posted this in my MySpace blog. I shared it with Cookie, and she encouraged me to post it here:



I've been thinking a lot lately. Remembering times that were both fun in my life and trying. Then a person with whom I chat on a forum I belong to prompted me to warm up my writing muscles. So, what better way to do that than to reminisce in writing?

I grew up in a musically diverse family. My dad typically listened to artists like Glen Campbell or Kenny Rogers. I remember a CD I made him a few years back that had both of those singers, with a sizeable tribute to Barbara Streisand. Yes, it was difficult to download those songs, but it was for him.

My mother, on the other hand, would be found most days dancing around to MTV while doing housework. MTV was the greatest invention in my mother's mid-life. I remember she would stop cold when A-ha's "Take on Me" video would come on the screen. One year we decided to buy her a Walkman for Christmas. She no longer had to disturb my studying siblings with her jams while doing housework. What she didn't realize was that she often would sing along to the tunes, in full volume. I still erupt in laughter whenever I hear "Our house...in the middle of our street."

Every spring we'd take our ceremonious trip to Kratz sporting goods in Jeffersonville to get my brother new cleats, batting gloves, donuts...My brother was the star pitcher at his high school in the early 80s. Kratz was a pretty dark store, overstuffed with sporting equipment, but the best part was the display of Gatorade gum perched next to the cash register. I always got a couple pieces to take home with me. But right next to the drive to get into Kratz's parking lot was the road that led back to the trash pit. My mother would sometimes get distracted while driving, and one particular day she turned into the drive for the landfill. My brother and I still tease her to this day about it. She was so embarrassed.

Halloween also brings back some fun memories for me. I can remember the year I dressed up as a skeleton. Normally I picked more girly costumes--okay maybe not, since I did go as a football player wearing my oldest brother's shoulderpads and jersey once--but this year I chose to be all bones. My middle brother who was a big kid in his teenage years, grabbed my previous year's tweety bird mask and  paraded around the neighborhood looking like a big geek. He of course didn't get any candy, but he sure made short work out of my bag! I hated those houses that would make you sing for your loot. There was one house on Castlewood, the next street over, that we would avoid for that very reason. What kid wants to stand there and sing the alphabet!? Time's a wastin, jerk!

I love to sit and ponder back over my childhood. I'd say it was a pretty good time in my life, and riding the memory train back sometimes is a lot of fun.

[~Daisy~]

Musings of a Personal Nature



This is really the first time I've spoken out about what I went through one year ago this weekend. Its been something I've not been proud of and have buried my head in the sand over for a very long time. I was able to sit and talk with my husband about it last night, for the very first time. I have grown. A lot.

One year ago this weekend, my battle with prescription drug addiction came to a head. Well, for the second time. I seem to have a quirk in my personality that makes me succeptible to certain things, and every few years, I seem to fall back down.

Yes, I had a big problem, and not very many people knew. At least at first. I was able to hide my situation from everyone close to me. My husband knew something wasn't right with me, but never in his wildest dreams did he imagine the truth. Until one night, on a Thursday, I decided to go out drinking, alone. I had managed to convince a friend to cover for me, since she did not want to go out that night, and I made the deadly combination of Xanax with beer, jagermeister, whisky...I was a wreck. I called home when the bar closed to let my husband know that "we" had decided to nap out in the car for an hour before "we" decided to drive home.

I awoke a few hours later, still in no condition to drive, but I was cold and uncomfortable. I had the presence of mind NOT to put my keys in the ignition to run the heater because I knew that act potentially could have bought me an OUI. So, I wiped my bleary eyes and started my journey home, via country roads.

I do not remember the drive home. I do not remember crawling into bed. What I do remember is my husband waking me at around 11 am screaming because the car was a wreck. One tire was completely shredded and the bumper was ripped to shreds. I had run over something in a parking lot, and my car had lost. He immediately set me down for an interrogation session, to which I was very little help. He soon enlisted the help of a friend, who took him to retrace my steps from the night before. After concluding that I had not done any property damage, nor had I hurt any person, he came home to find my still lifeless body on the couch. Knowing that by this time, I surely had to be over my intoxicated state, he began searching around. My secret was about to be revealed.

Family members were immediately called upon for my intervention. Emotions flared both within them and within me. My addiction took control of my life, my personality, demonizing me. It took a lot of very tough love to get my head out of my ass long enough to see that I'd made a terrible mess. Then the family became divided as to how to handle my situation. My mother had arranged for my 72 hour evaluation. My husband demanded things be handled internally and he take me away from all of my distractions for those 72 hours. They began to butt heads, when my father, who was working in Chicago due to Katrina, was called in. Being put in the middle, he could please neither party, and was heartbroken at having to be put in that role. In the end, he sided with my husband, assuring my mother that if we could handle this within family it was worth the effort. If that didn't work, then they would try it her way. This enraged my mother, who, for only the second time in 45 years of marriage mentioned the word "divorce."

See, I not only was hurting myself, I was tearing my family apart. I had split my entire family into sides, and this had never happened before. After realizing that during my very long weekend riding in the truck under the watchful eye of my husband, I finally began to come around. It took a long time for my mother to speak to me. She was very angry that I had done this to everyone, along with the stress of keeping my small children for me while I recovered. To top it all off, I had forgotten to pay my utility bill for a couple of months, and I came home to no power. I had forgotton to pay a lot of bills in my haze, and had to be bailed out once again from my family.

I've come a long way in the past 12 months. I have changed from someone you wouldn't want to know or be around to a more humble person. I have quit antagonizing people in all areas of my life, including forums. It's been a long road, and today marks a pretty special anniversary for me and I wanted to share. Please don't think that this is a ploy for congratulations because I do not want that. I only want to share with you and if my story touches the heart of one person, or helps one person to turn their own life around, then I've done my job.

[tallulahdahling]

Good job, Daisy--congrats!  We love you, chickie!   

[tallulahdahling]

And I am very proud of you......takes some serious ballz to bring this on--good job! You got my respect, girlfriend!   

[Fatcats Mom]

It's amazing what we figure out when we truely look inside! Good Job my friend.

[Cookie Parker]

YOu know you are not alone...addiction is something shared by most...but you know about bringing this shit out here...not safe, not right...but your decision and I'll kick anyone's ass who says a thing about it....on accounta I like kicking ass now!!!  LOL!!!!

[~Daisy~]

I know. I've taken that into consideration. But I decided that I'm not ashamed, and if someone wants to put me down for what I've done, I'd simply advise them to take a look inside and see if everything there is perfect. I feel pretty safe.

[Sunny]

As you should feel, Daisy. I am proud of your strength.

[cachegurl]

Daisy, what an awesome story! It takes a strong woman to lay all that out for everyone to read. I am so proud of you!! You rock, girl!! 

[pariann]

Daisy, I read that story, and I remember it well. I remember trying to be here for you, and another member of the forum tried to be here for you as well, he knows who he is.  I remember the phone calls, the pm's.  When I finished the story, I had tears. I know the struggle you were going through. I don't congratulate you, but I applaud that you stood up and shared with everyone. I hope I never have to worry about you like I did a year ago.  I'm glad you are still here to tell the story.

[Sandy Eggo]

It takes a lot of stength to go through that and come out okay. It hurt and it wasn't easy, but you, with the help of your family did it and that actually made you all stronger in the end. Your story is a testimony to that strength and love.  You're right, no one is perfect and hopefully we all can learn from our mistakes in the profound way you have.  Thank you so much for sharing.

[~Daisy~]

Thanks for the kind words, guys.  Right now, every day is a reminder, but I think I'm so much stronger now. And yes, CC, I remember

[Fatcats Mom]

You are women.......hear you roar!

[~Daisy~]

My latest blog entry, titled "Out of the Mouths of Babes."

   

Children say the darnedest things. Just when you wonder if they ever listen to you at all, the most amazing thing pops out of their mouth.

I'll start at the beginning. Aaron is currently stuck in Chicago because an axle on his truck appears to have broken. I've told the kids that Daddy won't be home after all, because he is stuck up in Chicago. I briefly explained to them how it happened, and that Daddy was not hurt, but couldn't come home to see them today.

A little while later, after helping Aaron research hotels and having him decide to instead stay with his truck, I was on the phone with him, yet again. Willie, who is three, was sitting on my lap and asked to talk to his dad. He kept asking "Where are you, Daddy?" Daddy kept responding in silly answers that he thought might amuse young William. Finally, an exasperated little voice says, "No, Daddy! Are you in Chicago?"

Aaron hesitated so I took the phone back to my ear. "Wow," I said, to which he replied "Was that WILLIE?" After confirming it was, I handed the phone back to an anxious Willie, waiting to hear the answer. Aaron informed him that yes, he was in Chicago, and how did he know that? Willie replied, matter of factly "Because Mommy told us!"

Wow...they really DO listen!   

[~Daisy~]

testing the "glow" feature.

Hmm, oh well.