In Y's playhouse, there's a writing entitled Spanking Childrenhttp://united-technology.com/smf/index.php?topic=51.0 (http://united-technology.com/smf/index.php?topic=51.0). In summary, it states that raising children involves 3 major issues: emotion, education, and control.
My quandry involves the latter -- "controlled violence". What is your personal take on raising children -- what intervention do/did you find to be the most effective?
I'm still searching, but open to suggestions.
Quote from: ~Daisy~ on September 24, 2006, 10:03:36 AM
I'm still searching, but open to suggestions.
Me, too...
I have raised two daughters and still don't have any answers! I do believe that every child is different so you have to decipline every child different. For example, my oldest didn't care if she got a spanking, the thing that she noticed the most was if she were grounded from something. My youngest only needed to be talked to and she was so ashamed that you didn't need to give her a spanking or ground her.
I do feel that you should never discipline children when YOU are angry and you should always let them know you love them.
Children are blessings from God.
Sorry I don't think anyone can say that they have all the answers. You just need to go with what you feel is right in your heart.
Quote from: DoubleD on September 24, 2006, 03:37:29 PM
I have raised two daughters and still don't have any answers! I do believe that every child is different so you have to decipline every child different. For example, my oldest didn't care if she got a spanking, the thing that she noticed the most was if she were grounded from something. My youngest only needed to be talked to and she was so ashamed that you didn't need to give her a spanking or ground her.
I do feel that you should never discipline children when YOU are angry and you should always let them know you love them.
Children are blessings from God.
Sorry I don't think anyone can say that they have all the answers. You just need to go with what you feel is right in your heart.
Double D?? That got my attention. Wish that applied to me.
I don't know how I did it (okay, a little bribery with the promise of going out for ice cream) but I got the boys to all pitch in together and clean their room. I only helped out with picking up some trash paper that had been tossed around and vaccuuming, but they did the rest themselves. Its a miracle!
I agree. I think it varies per child. A look suited my son and he fell right into step with whatever I asked of him. He's a teenager now and that's a different struggle. :yes: My daughter on the other-hand is a totally different personality. When she was younger, she'd get so emotional that I couldn't talk to her. Time-out didn't work because I'd still have to get really physical with her to get her there. Either that or she'd sit there and entertain herself and when I'd let her up she'd say, "no, think I'll stay right here". I knew she was being a smart aleck, but she was letting me know that punishment was ineffective. I popped her little butt quite a bit. It was the only way to get her to calm down and pay attention.
When I punish, I try to deal with the issue and get it out of the way. My goal is resolution that they understand and are clear about and me too, because there have been times that I've totally misinterpreted their actions/feelings. Once that's taken care of, I follow up w/a hug and an "I Love you".
I try to grasp any opportunity I can to share my armchair philosophy with them. Which usually gets me a :rolleyes: but my mom was the same way and although I didn't think I listened, I did and it has helped me tremendously through my life. I'm hoping to plant a positive seed so that when they are faced with a crisis and I'm not there, that they can reach back in their "file" and find something that will help them some way.
When I see they've worked through a dilemma of their own and made the right choice/decision - I try to let them know that I noticed and how proud I am.
Just like everybody, I'm trying to figure it out as I go. The bright side is that, when you see them on Dr. Phil someday, you can say, "Hey! I used to post with their mom!" LOL
Positive reinforcement usually works wonders. Too bad more people don't realize this. You can make your child want to please you.
Going to cut your own switch is a great tool for behaviour modification. It gives you time to ponder what you did and allows your parent to cool down. Just don't bring back a bullshit switch :biggrin:
LOL! Good one! :biggrin:
I rarely have to spank my children. I use what they like against them for punishment if they mess up. My oldest likes to watch National Geographic channel & draw so I take those away. My second son likes to watch cartoons and get on the computer so I take those away.
My lil girl likes to have her friend over who lives acrossed the street so I don't allow the lil girl over.
With my oldest,he gets to those points where it doesn't seem like anything matters so I make him do book reports. It seems to have his attention considering he doesn't like to do it so now he has to figure out how to not have to do them. He has written up to 7 in one night before and I believe it has sunk in.
I pretty much let them know they are not controlling my home & when they think they can then just try it because they'll quickly see they will fail. I allow them their say so as long as it's not overboard(they feel too and have thoughts too). The last thing you want is a child that holds everything in so when they finally have enough held in they explode like you've never seen before. I have seen it when friends don't allow their kids to talk. It's not pretty. I am told all the time I have very well mannered children,but it's not fully because of me. They have to make their minds up what is more important to them the things they like or it being taken away. The one thing that irks me with parents are the ones who say you're grounded,but never ground the child. Yeah you're gonna get real far claiming to punish and then fail to do it. That kid will walk all over you for the rest of it's life.
Excellant, AW. I sometimes struggle with follow-thru, but mostly with overcompensation. Guilty of "sparing the rod & spoiling the child."
Quote from: SunnyInFL on September 25, 2006, 09:19:39 AM
Excellant, AW. I sometimes struggle with follow-thru, but mostly with overcompensation. Guilty of "sparing the rod & spoiling the child."
Follow through every time. Even when you feel bad it's ok to follow through. If parents don't feel bad about getting after their child then something is wrong with that parent. I feel bad too,but I sit them down and talk to them BEFORE punishment is issued. I explain that I don't want to take their things away,but I have to because they didn't follow the rules. We discuss the issue and then I issue the punishments.
I told my two youngest children that they were good. It seemed to work. They were good. I seldom had to discipline them. It seems to work on a lot of adults, too. If you tell them that they are good, they will live up to your expectations. If they don't, they will feel guilty, but they will usually come through. Suzi is my youngest child. I don't ever remember spanking her.
Seems like you found a good approach then, FancyFlo!
Welcome to the Zone.. :smile:.
With 5 children, I'm sure you have some advice for us...what's your best parenting intervention?
Quote from: SunnyInFL on September 28, 2006, 10:48:02 PM
With 5 children, I'm sure you have some advice for us...what's your best parenting intervention?
I spend as much time with them as I can....even if it's watching TV or Workin in the yard or cleanin house....we always have a good time...and got to have a sence of humor...
(http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i82/OldieLoxx/Smileys/fe9da7f1.gif)
Mine are actually getting better about cleaning their rooms. Its a miracle!
See, mine never go in their rooms...they play in our Great room and FL room (all combined) where we are all day. So, we have to play the 'clean up game' every night. :biggrin:
My son is the same way....he spends 99% of his time in our family room, very rarely in his bedroom. His one habit that drives me crazy is leaving fruit snack wrappers, empty juiceboxes, etc. lying around all over the room. I have asked, begged, cajoled, threatened, you name it....I finally told him he'll have to eat all snacks in the kitchen from now on. That went over like a ton of bricks.... :rolleyes:
Tell me more about this "clean up game" :smile:
We sing the 'clean up' song and all take turns putting toys in their toy boxes. It's a lot of fun...sometimes we put music on & dance while we do this bizarre ritual! I think we learned the song from Barney.
I don't think it would work for your son, but here are a few clean-up songs - maybe you could substitute his favorite song while he cleans his room?:
Let's Clean Up
To the tune of
"Farmer In the Dell"
Let's clean up today
Let's clean up today
We've had our fun
Our day is done.
So, let's clean up today.
It's Time To Cleanup
(Tune: Frere Jacques)
Are you helping,
are you helping
Pick up toys, Pick up toys
Let us all be helpers,
Let us all be helpers.
Girls and boys, girls and boys.
Clean-up Song
Improvise a tune
Clean-up, clean-up
Everybody get some toys.
Clean-up, clean-up
All the little girls and boys.
Clean-up, clean-up
Everybody do your share.
Clean-up, clean-up
Everybody, everywhere.
Now see, I LOVE that!! He loves to sing and dance, so this would be an awesome way to make cleaning up more fun. Considering his favorite song right now is "Girls, Girls, Girls" by Motley Crue (DON'T ASK :rolleyes:), I could do something like:
Toys, Toys, Toys
On the coffee table and the floor
Toys, Toys, Toys
Let's pick them up til we can see no more
:biggrin:
Good deal! I bet it might work! We just got done singing before naptime! There's another song on Noggin -- Jack's Big Music Show.
Clean it up, Clean it up
You can make it fun to do
And your friends can help you to
Clean it up, Clean it up
And out it away, Put it away
Put your things away.
Clean it up, Clean it up
You can make it fun to do
And your friends can help you to
Clean it up, Clean it up
And Put it away, Put it away
Put your things away.
Clean it up, Clean it up
You can make it fun to do
Mom and Dad can help you to
Clean it up, Clean it up
And Put it away, Put it away
Put your things away
Put it away, Put it away
Put your things away.
I believe in taking privliges away. i.e. I tell my daughter I won't rock her to sleep if she misbehaves.
How old is your daughter, Kerrybeth?
She just turned seven. She still loves to be rocked to sleep. I rock her and my husband carries her to bed.
Thanks for sharing!
I rocked my oldest to sleep for every nap & bedtime until she was 18 months-old...then SHE started refusing them. My youngest never liked to be rocked. :'(
So, not allowing a favorite cartoon to be watched is about the only privilege at this point we have to work with. But, Time Out works very well still.
My youngest never liked it either. In fact, she hated (still hates) going to bed at night so much that any routine was near impossible, because she knew what was coming. Generally, I read with her and if she's feeling "babyish" then I sing her a couple songs. I only know nursery rhymes and made up jingles so it's not high quality singing.LOL To her it is though.
It seems to me that taking something away from your child, like being rocked to sleep, is almost like withdrawing yourself from the child and could be perceived to be withdrawing love. Just a thought. I always make sure that once the matter is "settled" - - meaning discussed and punishment assigned that I give them a hug and/or kiss and tell them I love them. They don't want it, because they're mad, but I want the message to get through to them that I disapprove of "the behavior" but nothing changes the way I feel about them.
I have to agree with you on that accord, MsMojo...kinda like not giving your child food or drink. If it's something that they emotionally or physically depend on, than it can be perceived as punitive rather than disciplinarian.
My girls are very routine...almost too much. When it's naptime, they want their nap & their things...when it's lunch or dinner time...bedtime...etc..it's great to have structure, but not the inflexibility.
There's not much I need to discipline with when it comes to the older girls. Though...16 would not take her meds yesterday because she was mad at me. I wouldn't let her drive to work. She has her learners permit, and sometimes I'm in a hurry to get things done so I would prefer to drive rather than be stressed out sitting in the passenger seat. She doesn't understand this, and threw a tantrum saying I never let her drive, she will never get the practice. Never mind she's not going to work. (I attribute some of the attitude I got from her a result of not taking her med for the previous two days) I laid her medicine on the table, told her she was going to take those, and she was going to work. It was her first day. She told me she was not. I told her if she didn't take them, forget about driving at all any more. Amazing, she took her meds, and then she did go get in the van, in the passenger seat and didn't say another word. I agree if you take away the thing that is most important to them, you can and most likely will get the desired results.
My 10 year old is another story, she's been traumatized by the last 8 months and has a mouth on her that won't quit. She's well behaved everywhere but at home. At home she walks in the door with the bad attitude, starts yelling at everyone, fighting with her sisters over stupid crap. Says she hates everyone, everyone hates her, she might as well not even be a part of this family. Just on and on and on. Talking to her doesn't help, time out doesn't help, the threat of a spanking doesn't help. But what does help is sending her to her room. I don't take away her tv in there, I don't take away her drawing materials or her books. I don't take away her computer. I just make her stay in her room. This is effective because she wants to be where everyone else is. Not alone in her room. When I just can't take anymore, that's where she goes. We have tried to address this problem in family counseling, but so far have not gotten anywhere with her. I'm at my wit's end and I can't let her spend the rest of her minor years in her room. Otherwise, she's a bright kid that doesn't get into any trouble anywhere else, doesn't do what she isn't supposed to do and minds when she's told to do anything, except shutting her mouth. (okay I said well behaved everywhere but at home, she's mostly well behaved at home, with the exception of what I have described.)
Sounds like your 10 year-old is doing a lot of "testing limits" for response & reassurance that you aren't going anywhere. I'm sure she certainly receives a lot of from you & her sisters, but at age 10, we experience a lot of uncertainty developmentally without anything else traumatic going on in our home or with our family.
Hopefully she'll gain some insight soon...
Quote from: MsMojo on October 13, 2006, 09:03:03 AM
My youngest never liked it either. In fact, she hated (still hates) going to bed at night so much that any routine was near impossible, because she knew what was coming. Generally, I read with her and if she's feeling "babyish" then I sing her a couple songs. I only know nursery rhymes and made up jingles so it's not high quality singing.LOL To her it is though.
It seems to me that taking something away from your child, like being rocked to sleep, is almost like withdrawing yourself from the child and could be perceived to be withdrawing love. Just a thought. I always make sure that once the matter is "settled" - - meaning discussed and punishment assigned that I give them a hug and/or kiss and tell them I love them. They don't want it, because they're mad, but I want the message to get through to them that I disapprove of "the behavior" but nothing changes the way I feel about them.
That is true. Which is why I still tell her that I love her, read her a story and sing to her (poor thing) at bedtime and lay down with her until she falls asleep..even if she is in trouble. Just no rocking chair.
We have numerous lullyabye cds, but she likes me to sing. My voice is terrible!!
Here's what I cant figure out: at my mom's during the day, my boys have and stick to a routine. They sometimes grab their stuff and head to bed if they see that my mom has let the clock tick by a few extra minutes. Here at home? Whole other story. I've tried routines. Nothing works. Now, its so bad that the only way my 4 year old will go to bed is if I'm in bed with him. No ifs, ands, or buts. And as much as I love him, it is starting to suck. Hubby and I have actually had to sneak around and use another room in the house for, uh...well...and I just want my bed back!
To toss a few things out there, Daisy...first of all, I think our children look at "grandma" in a completely different light than they do us -- different house, different rules, different level of respect. So, IMHO, it's futile to compare the behavior she receives vs. what we see.
Second of all, even though you have attempted to set a routine & enforce rules, do you think that Aaron's schedule may have an effect on the boys' sleeping patterns? Maybe not, but I know when my husband was travelling for work a lot, I saw completely different temperaments in my children. Something was always a little off balance when he was gone...be it their appetites, their sleeping patterns, or overall mood.
I just chalked that up as their way of communicating their dissastification of daddy one day here, next day gone.
*shrug*
Oh totally. They are completely different kids when he's around. He doesn't get why I'm so frazzled sometimes!
I can relate...but, then again...I am also frazzled by having 2 children & a husband here 24/7!
Thank goodness he gave me today off.
And here I sit. :smile:
I hear ya. I'm supposed to be running a whole bunch of errands right now, but there are some difficulties in getting them done...plus the youngest is napping now, so who knows. Anyway, he'll be home in a few hours. Yay.
Well, that's exciting!!!! but, that means you won't around here much.
Enjoy your time. :smile:
I wish I were that excited. He just has a one track mind. I can't sit and talk about money all the time. Its driving me crazy.
Then get him talking about that new house! :wink:
He wants to stay here. I don't blame him. I'm happy with that. I looked at the house I liked, but to be honest, I didn't have those "home" feelings. And I couldn't picture us there. This was before I talked to him about it in detail, and I was relieved when he said that.
Well, then it wasn't meant to be. :smile:
Yeah, I think you're right. We've been working so hard to get what we've got, I need to step back and just remember that!
I've heard you talk about your current house & it sounds like you've got it pretty good right now. :yes:
I do like it. Its tough when you catch the "grass is greener" bug, though. I have some great photos I took in our back yard yesterday, and one would wonder why I'd ever think I wanted to move. I did like the porch on that one house, but when looked up close, it was in pretty crappy shape. It had a cement floor and was barely a step up from just being all the way outside. The neat thing was the inside walls were log cabin-y, from what I could tell peering in the windows.
I'm sure something will come along later in life that has "that feel"...more of what you want in a dream house.
That's the great thing about being this age -- there's so much left to do!
That's true. And I don't think my children would accept a change of homes right now. This has been the only home that they've known (when AJ -4- was born, we lived in an apartment in Indianapolis, but we moved into our house when he was about 5 months old, so everything he's done has been in that house: first steps, first foods, first birthday...)
We did discuss finally repainting the dining room this upcoming weekend. I laughed hysterically, because so far we have not agreed on a color and that's why its still the way it is now. I want light browns and deep mulled wine reds as an accent. He thinks that it might be too dark for that room.
That would be hard. We've been quite nomadic (not intentionally), so my oldest daughter has lived in 3 different places during her short life. However, she's ESTATIC about have a new room all to herself...in a nice shade of pink. :smile:
And what you're talking about -- those are the "in" colors right now...or so it seems. My aunt just painted her (small) kitchen nutmeg & wine...she loves it.
YES! Exactly! These colors had food names, too, but I can't remember. Seems like one was Spice Cake or something.
Sure could go for a slice of that right now. :smile:
Sherwin Williams Gourmet mushroom is a great paint color. :)
What color does it resemble? I'm looking for a grayish-taupe color for my family room-to-be.
No gray. Just a really pretty khaki color. Sounds like you are looking for a taupe.
Although not a panacea, my Grandmother used to say "Raise your children so that others want to be around them." So, of course, this included lessons in "polite".
But you can't just ask a children to follow rules without examples. My husband and I are polite with each other. So the children would just follow suit. When we were around family, we'd continue and talk with family and interact. We did everything with our children, as well. Vacations were geard for them, although we usually just visited family. We went to races and the children were included and interacted with during the race.
I think focusing on children as the center and setting examples is what we did most. Oh, and figuring out what worked for discipline. And as you said, Ms Mojo, different ages required different means. But maintaining consistency was the greatest lesson.
Quote from: Cookie Parker on October 19, 2006, 04:00:08 AM
But you can't just ask a children to follow rules without examples.
I agree with this. Sometimes parents use the "do as I say and not as I do" philosophy on things. IMHO they are basically implying that there are two sets of rules for things such as responsiblity, honesty, manners, etc. I think it sends a mixed message and confuses the children.
Ghosts and/or imaginary friends seen by children.
My daughter has been waking up at night & telling me she sees ghosts in her room. My husband & I disagree on what to tell her or how to comfort her.
What are your thoughts & experiences?
Wow! I have three different experiences with that. When I was growing up I used to wake up to ghosts and my mom told me to sing, "Jesus" loves me.
My son had a similar experience and I gave him a charm that his late grandmother had given me and told him that would give him comfort and encourage the "bad guys", he called them, to go away. It worked.
My daughter, I did a dance each evening to keep the monsters away and it worked. I looked ridiculous, but it worked.
I guess it depends on how you feel about ghosts. My mom was very spiritual and believed in the spirit world, but she believed their purpose was positive. I didn't really view it as a negative thing until I was older and able to see the "hollywood" version. I think even if I didn't think they are real, I'd be hesitant to tell her that, because to her they are. That's why I used methods above to plant the suggestion that we have something stronger than "monsters" or "bad guys". Eventually, they forgot about it.
I have very mixed feelings about the spiritual world...leaning more towards the "believer" side, but still uncertain about approaching the issue with a 4 year-old. Thank you for sharing all 3 of these experiences...they are all consistent with my husband's mindset. He told her that they are friendly and to not be afraid of them. He also saw "spirits" as a child, reportedly, and was told something similar.
I think I'll be investing in some "monster spray" if she wakes up again at 3:00am. :wink:
There is a book..The Dream Quilt. I even put a quilt on my daughter's bed and we said the poem. Choose a square..Say blue. And say, "A kiss for a stamp and as quick as you can off you go to a blue dream land." She loved it and it made her feel better. We get the quilt out PRN.