my favorite email jokes

[awol]

chances are you've gotten some of these in your in box.  but if you haven't, here they are.  they made me giggle.

[awol]

Pregnant Turkey Story

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into
the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed the birds back in the oven

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this
horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

[Sandy Eggo]

That's hilarious! True story...My sister-in-law bought a turkey deep fryer and her mother-in-law was kind of leery about it. She put a cornish hen in to test it and her mother-in-law entered the room just when she pulled it out and when my SIL saw that she was staring at it, told her the turkey shrunk.

[awol]

Q: how do you get a nun pregnant?



A: you fuck her

A: dress her up as an alter boy

A: cum on her shoes, the flies will do the rest.

(i'm going to hell, but if you laughed i'll see you there )

[awol]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[awol]

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says "Mouse traps, Ha! I do presses with the bar". The second mouse says "D-Con Rat Poison, Ha! I eat it for kicks". The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going??
"Time to go home and fuck the cat.?

[Pa Kettle]

Two middle-aged guys are sitting in a tavern bemoaning things they didn't do in their youth that they wished they had.
        One they shared was that neither of them ever went to college.
They decide that one of them will go down to the local community college and check things out.
      Bill meets the dean of admissions, and after a short Q and A, decides to take some classes.
The Dean recommends Math, History, English, and Logic.
    Bill expresses a hazy notion regarding just what a "Logic" class would be like.
The Dean explained it thusly:
"Okay, Bill--lets use some logic!
Do you own a weed-eater?"
   Bill replies, "Why, yes I do."
The Dean replies"Well then, logic dictates that you are a homeowner, and therefore are probably a family man as well--is this true, Bill?"
      " Why, yes indeed it is!", says Bill.
The Dean replies--"Logic, Bill."
     " Bill, logic says that if you own a weed-eater, are a homeowner,and are also a family man, you are also a heterosexual--is this also true, Bill?"
"Heck yes, Dean--the hetroest!"
  " Well then, Bill--that's kinda what a Logic class feels like." the Dean replies.
After excitedly going through the enrollment process, Bill hurrys down to the tavern to tell his pal all about it.
       " Fred!   You ought to take some classes too--it sounds really interesting!"
" Well, Bill, what ones should I take?"
     "Take the same ones I'm taking, Fred--Math, History, English, and Logic."
Fred is just as hazy regarding a "Logics" class as Bill was, so Bill decides to use the same method of explaining it as the Dean of Admissions used.
        " Here, Fred--this is logic!"
"Do you own a weed-eater, Fred?"
     "
"No, Bill, I don't", replies Fred.
        To which Bill replied, "Well then Frieda, logic says you're a big ol' queer."

[tallulahdahling]

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.  You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.  Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?  Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride!

[awol]

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, whom spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

7th Place:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place:
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place:
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!

4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than originally sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time, by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:
This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven; onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich.

Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

[followsthewolf]

As much as I think the people who sued are morons that did not deserve their monetary awards, what strikes me as worse are the ignorant a&&holes who sat on the juries that awarded the settlements.

That much collective stupidity in one place is positively terrifying.

How did they feed themselves to get old enough to sit on a jury?

[awol]

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
> (You MUST read them aloud)
>
>
> English                        Chinese
>
> That's not right:    Sum Ting Wong
>
>
> Are you harboring a fugitive?:  Hu Yu Hai Ding
>
> See me ASAP:   Kum Hia Nao
>
> Stupid Man:   Dum Fuk
>
> Small Horse:   Tai Ni Po Ni
>
> Did you go to the beach?:   Wai Yu So Tan
>
> I bumped into a coffee table:   Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
>
> I think you need a face lift:   Chin Tu Fat
>
> It's very dark in here:   Wai So Dim
>
> I thought you were on a diet:   Wai Yu Mun Ching
>
> This is a tow away zone:   No Pah King
>
> Our meeting is scheduled for next week:   Wai Yu Kum Nao
>
> Staying out of sight:   Lei Ying Lo
>
> He's cleaning his automobile:   Wa Shing Ka
>
> Your body odor is offensive:   Yu Stin Ki Pu
>
> Great:   Fa Kin Su Pa

[awol]

Taoism : Shit Happens.
Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.
Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah
Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism : This shit happened before.
Catholicism : If shit hapens, I deserved it.
Confusianism: Confucius Say:Shit happens.
T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.
Atheism : No shit.
Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.
Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: I don't know if shit happens.
Existentialism : What is shit anyway?
Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianinsm : Let's smoke this shit.
Jedi Knights: May the shit be with you.

[awol]

>Dear Abby,
>
>I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
>could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
>wife has been cheating on me.
>
>The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
>wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
>ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
>don't know them."
>
>I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
>always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as
>if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she
>wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time
>it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her
>phone again and why was I checking up on her.
>
>Anyway, I ha ve never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
>down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
>again and I decided to really check on her.
>
>I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the
>garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole
>street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
>Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
>leaking a little oil.
>
>Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

[awol]

This is too funny not to pass on......

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in
our
jobs.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (marked
with a P) and
the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the
way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[awol]

not a joke, but it touched me...

NAIL IN THE FENCE
Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

(Most importantly the last sentence)

There once was a little boy who had a bad

temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails

and told him that every time he lost his

temper, he must hammer a nail into the back

of the fence. The first day the boy had

driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next

few weeks, as he learned to control his

anger, the number of nails hammered daily

gradually dwindled down. He discovered

it was easier to hold his temper than to

drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't

lose his temper at all. He told his father

about it and the father suggested that the

boy now pull out one nail for each day that

he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally

able to tell his father that all the nails

were gone. The father took his son by the

hand and led him to the fence He said, "You

have done well, my son, but look at the

holes in the fence. The fence will never be

the same. When you say things in anger,

they leave a scar just like this one. You

can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say I'm

sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal

wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They

make you smile and encourage you to succeed.

They lend an ear, they share words of praise

and they always want to open their hearts to us."

YOU ARE MY FRIENDS AND I AM HONORED!

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.