News:

Welcome Guests! Thank you for visiting the Unknown Zone! Please consider taking the short amount of time it will take to read the Registration Agreement and register for an account. You will have full access to all message boards (some of which are invisible to you now), and you can enjoy a friendly national forum with that local touch!

Main Menu

Custody Battles: When Parents Fight about Birthdays

Started by ~Daisy~, April 15, 2007, 03:49:25 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Print
Go Down Pages1 2
User actions

~Daisy~

April 15, 2007, 03:49:25 PM
This thread is for a couple different reasons: One, to vent. Two, to get input. Something happened the other day that left me utterly gobsmacked and furious.

My oldest son's birthday (11) was yesterday. I was under the impression that he would spend it with me. I am, after all, the one who gave birth to him, spent 8 out of 38 weeks of my pregnancy on bedrest, and endured a drug-free delivery, because I had something to prove to my mom about who had better pain-management skills. I was 19, and stubborn.

Three weeks ago, it was his dad's weekend for visitation, as scheduled. All systems go for normal. The only thing out of the ordinary was that it was my son's spring break week, and he was going to ride to Florida with his dad and grandmother to visit his great uncle. They do this almost every year, so no biggie. I had no plans, so I said he could go.

What I didn't count on was the fact that they would not return home until the following Sunday. That would give him 2 weekends in a row with his dad, but hey, once again, I didn't have anything better going on, so I didn't mind. So when I talked to his father last Sunday when he brought him home, I mentioned that even though the next weekend (yesterday and today) was "his" if we were to not disrupt our normal visitation schedule, I would like to go ahead and have him come back home for the day on Saturday, or we could just forget about "his" weekend, because, frankly, it was questionable as to who's weekend it actually would be, seeing as how I missed "mine." His typical one-word response? "Okay." I didn't know exactly what "okay" referred to, but I wasn't going to push the issue. I figure I'd find out out if he showed up the following Friday to get Matt so he could spend Friday night with him to celebrate his birthday.

Fast forward to Friday, the 13th. And a true 13th it was. I pull in the driveway at my parents the exact same time my ex does. Matt comes running out to greet us both, and I turn to my ex and repeat what was told to me a mere 45 minutes earlier by my son who had "cleared" the arrangements with his dad not 20 minutes before THAT. I said, "So you'll be dropping him off at noon tomorrow?" I was stunned when Mike replied, "No." I pressed a little further, "what do you mean, 'no?'" His reply "It's my weekend and I'm not changing."  :o

First of all...whether or not it was "his" weekend could be up for debate. Since he'd taken my child over what would be considered "MY" weekend the prior weekend, shouldn't that mean that we readjust the schedule and this would be "mine," the 21st-22nd "his" and so on?

Further, when I pointed out  that I am his mom, I was the one who spent 11 hours in labor with him, 8 weeks on bedrest prior to that, etc, he merely said "Oh, and I suppose I had nothing to do with him being born."  :rant: EXCUUUUSE ME?? He had about 3 minutes to do with it all, and that was under the influence, anyway, and as I pointed out to him, not too kindly, that he probably was so drunk he thought I was a man, or something. (Note: his confusion about his sexuality was what split us apart. I honestly think he's gay, and has shown curiousity towards homosexuality, but would never "come out." Long story, but lets suffice it to say that he is much more feminine than masculine). Soooo...of course I flew into a rage. I went completely white trash on him in my parents' front yard, with my dad behind me, and I honestly think my father was stifling laughter instead of horror when I asked my ex if his hemorrhoids were flaring up because someone forgot to properly lube his dildo. (Yes, I said it. Childish, I know, but it was that or beat the smug look off of his ugly face.)

Bottom line is this: This asshole screwed me out of seeing my child on his birthday. This is not the first time he has pulled the bait and switch on me when it comes to seeing him on holidays. The first time was Christmas 2000, when he showed interest for the very first time in seeing our son on Christmas, and picked him up on Christmas Eve morning, with the intentions of meeting me later that night when my shift at Outback was over. That night, I got off work and called him only to find out that he'd decided that THIS was the time to start following the divorce decree and he was keeping him for his "righted" full week at Christmas, starting Christmas Eve through New Years Eve. Now, the decree says that each parent gets the child at Christmas, either starting Christmas Eve at 8 pm through New Years Eve 8 pm, OR the week BEFORE Christmas, ending Christmas Eve at 8 pm. NOT Christmas Eve 10 am through New Years Eve. You don't get both. When I reminded him of this stunt, he said "well I wasn't happy about not having him this year for Christmas, even though it fell on MY weekend." Dammit! NO! 1) HE had him last year on Christmas Day (which the decree states that that holiday is to alternate, if he had him last year on the 25, this year I do, regardless of whose weekend it is!) and 2) if it was such a problem, why did he wait until APRIL 13 to bring it up?!

He's such a whiny little bitch, and needs his ass kicked. I would love to do it, but I know that I can't. I just needed to vent to my Zoners, and get some feedback on if my anger is justified, and what can I do about it all? Can I get any kind of revenge, or should I consult my attorney, or is there another way to handle this whole thing? All I can do is see red, and I know I need some impartial opinions.
If you don't like what you're doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
--Timothy Leary

Sandy Eggo

#1
April 15, 2007, 05:16:06 PM
That's so tough. It really is. What did your son want to do?
Only after the last tree has been cut down. Only after the last river has been poisoned. Only after the last fish has been caught. Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten. - -Cree Indian Prophecy

"Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambitition" -- anonymous

pariann

#2
April 15, 2007, 07:57:04 PM
I know I have not been dealing with personal custody issues as long as you have, but if you have written visitation orders, and I believe you will not like my answer to this, I would follow them to a T, AND THEN consult an attorney.  Since he kept him over what was technically your weekend to have him, then he is not following the visitation.  But as long as you do follow the visitation, there is no argument that he can make.  And when you want to make an agreement on any change, it should be a mutual agreement in front of a witness.
As far as his birthday, Daisy, it's M's birthday not yours.  Like MsMojo, I would ask what did he want to do?  As much as we, the mothers like to use the fact that we are the ones that carried our children until birth, endured the physical pain, etc,  we have to remember, most of us had a husband (the father of the child) who had to endure our pregnancy.  The morning sickness, the doctors visits, the tests, the cramps, the cravings, the tiredness, the mood swings. Oh heck, my ex-husband even had a sympathetic pregnancy with each of mine.  He would gain weight, have cravings, and get sick (that cracked me up). They really have more invested in the birth of their child than donating sperm if they are there throughout the pregnancy.

I think he's a year away from being able to state in court what his desires are, perhaps you should start preparing him for being able to make his own decisions.  Though you and the ex may not agree on things, there is going to come a time in the not too distant furture that you won't have a lot of choice in M's decisions.  So maybe you should ask him what he would like, then discuss it between the two of you and come to a compromise.  The visits are more about what's in the child's best interest than whose weekend is it to keep him from the other parent. 
Looks like I've come full circle.

~Daisy~

#3
April 15, 2007, 08:58:45 PM
He says he wanted to see me on his birthday, and his dad just ignored him.

The thing is, the decree doesn't say that Mike gets him the 1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th...etc weekend. It says "Every other weekend." Soo...if he had him an extra weekend, with my consent (though it will never happen again) wouldn't that defaut this one to be MINE?
If you don't like what you're doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
--Timothy Leary

pariann

#4
April 15, 2007, 09:13:15 PM
I say, unless you can both agree on it, let it be his weekend...then consult your attorney to clarify.  If there needs to be a new visitation order written to include instances such as this when you can't agree on whose weekend it is, then you should get it done..  Your ex, apparently does not take his son's 'happiness' into consideration.  Only his own selfishness.
Looks like I've come full circle.

~Daisy~

#5
April 16, 2007, 10:54:16 AM
The attorney who wrote the original order passed away a couple of years ago to cancer.
If you don't like what you're doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
--Timothy Leary

pariann

#6
April 16, 2007, 11:19:51 AM
Time to get a new attorney.
Looks like I've come full circle.

~Daisy~

#7
April 16, 2007, 01:14:29 PM
I have got attorneys out the wazoo: real estate contract, traffic (in 4 states, so 4 attorneys), the one I have on retainer for any time I find myself in a "jam," ... I think I may still have Eads on retainer for these issues. I went through him over custody issues in the past, but that was in 2000, I think. I haven't had the need to talk to him in years.
If you don't like what you're doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
--Timothy Leary

pariann

#8
April 16, 2007, 03:58:18 PM
Give him a call, just to find out if your retainer is still good after all these years. You want to know where to turn if you need to.
Looks like I've come full circle.

~Daisy~

#9
April 16, 2007, 04:01:07 PM
Yeah...I will. Right now I'm in haze of craziness. I came here for a minute to just RELAX.

If you don't like what you're doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
--Timothy Leary

pariann

#10
April 16, 2007, 04:35:01 PM
custody battles...I sooooo wish I could take him back to court right now and get my itty bitty out of that house!!! omg, the evil stepmother DOES exist!
Looks like I've come full circle.

~Daisy~

#11
April 16, 2007, 04:47:49 PM
Luckily I don't think I'll ever have to worry about evil stepmothers. Unless it becomes legal to marry rubber blow up dolls.
If you don't like what you're doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
--Timothy Leary

Sunny

#12
April 19, 2007, 04:36:45 PM
I should probably just back quiety out of this thread...

I am a wicked stepmother but, I'm here to say that there are also evil biological parents out there, too.

Kids shouldn't have to be put in the middle (intentionally or not)...

I'm sorry that our children all have to deal with these issues, ladies.

:'(

pariann

#13
April 19, 2007, 04:58:03 PM
me too, it's not fair that I'm sitting here right now crying because my ex has decided that the parenting time agreement we were court ordered to make is not legal and he doesn't have to abide by it.  This is my day for the overnight visit of itty bitty and 15, but he's taken it away from me.

My divorce decree says we are to make parenting time arrangements. I wrote it up, he read it. I asked him more than once if he agreed with it, he said he did, we signed it.  Suddenly, after the evil stepmother puts me out of the truck, my child is in daycare and I can only see them every other weekend.

Now he says he signed it under duress.  Duress of what? No one was threatening him.  Hell he didn't even know we were divorced and who he had custody of when he signed he agreement.   He claims it's not court ordered visitation.  Excuse me, it was court ordered to come up with a parenting time schedule!!

So, this is his weekend to have the kids, and if I listen to him, there is no visitation ordered.  Only who has custody and how much support is to be paid to whom.   No where in the divorce decree or any other court documents does it state that either of us are to have visitation every other weekend.  It says to make a parenting time schedule together, which we did. He had ample opportunity to disagree and compromise on any changes to be made before he signed it. THAT was court ordered. 

I'm just beside myself right now. :(
Looks like I've come full circle.

Sunny

#14
April 19, 2007, 05:05:41 PM
I truly feel your pain, Pariann...

It simply amazes me that grown adults can use small innocent children to work through their own "stuff". What is he gaining by "vacillating" from what was mutually agreed upon to being a poopiehead?

Was this agreement signed and notarized or filed with the local courts?

If not, sounds like you need to file for a custody mediation hearing, Pariann. :(  It's really the only guaranteed way you can ensure the visitation scheduled gets followed.

But, I'm not a very objective person right now regarding shared "legal" custody and the rights of the non-custodial parents being respected....
Print
Go Up Pages1 2
User actions