Sick of all the lies!

[Lester Sasquatch]

I am sick of it! All the lies about Bigfoot that are circulating on the Internet and being printed in those trashy tabloids. First of all, Bigfoot is not a violent creature. Yes, there are cases where Bigfoot has lost his temper but wouldn't a human get angry when he comes across someone maliciously destroying his home? Is it no wonder that people are afraid of Bigfoot with all the lies being spread by the media? When Bigfoot comes across someone lost in the forest we don't kill and eat them! No, if at all possible we lead them to safety without giving ourselves away but in some cases we have to be a little more obvious. Yes, we use man's natural fear of the unknown to guide the poor lost human by positioning ourselves on the opposite side where we would like them to go. Then we let the human see us and they run in the direction we want them to. Bigfoot is not the dumb lumbering animal that we are often depicted to be. Nor are we sex perverts. If we were human we would have many open and shut cases of defamation. Here are a few examples of the lies being circulated about Bigfoot.

This woman obviously lives a promiscuous lifestyle and probably has no idea who the child's father is but it isn't Bigfoot! Maybe she is married to a man who is sterile and uses Bigfoot as the fall guy knowing that collecting Bigfoot DNA to prove paternity is pretty near impossible because Bigfoot tries very hard to keep his life private. Secondly, only a fool would think the child pictured has Bigfoot for a father. Look at his little feet, HELLO! Now I am not an expert in genetics but it looks to me that this boy has Wolfman blood in him. Everyone knows how high the Woldman's sex drive is due to the hormones racing through his blood. The Wolfman is so horny he would shag a dead deer in nothing else were available. No, I think this woman probably had an illicit affair with a Wolfman then, after she found out she was pregnant, conspired with the horny father to blame the innocent Bigfoot.

A love slave? What's the deal with these women blaming Bigfoot for impregnating them? Bigfoot is against all forms of slavery, including pets, so to say that Bigfoot kept her as a slave to use as a sex toy is so wrong. If Bigfoot feels attraction to a human female he doesn't kidnap her like a cave man. Instead he woos the target of his attraction with choice foodstuffs found in the forest, flowers, and sometimes handmade trinkets crafted especially for her so she can she Bigfoot's creative side. But to make up stories that Bigfoot took advantage of her in such a way is very cruel. I would also like to comment on this particular woman's appearance. Bigfoot is attracted to women who are at home in the forest, one that can survive in the harshest environment. This woman looks like she would not be able to take care of herself, much less Bigfoot's children, in the deep woods. Even those with the most vivid imagination cannot picture this woman rooting through rotten trees to find grubs (which Bigfoot considers a great delicacy) or to stand motionless in knee deep freezing water waiting for a fish to swim close enough for capture. I seriously doubt this woman could live a week on her own in the woods so Bigfoot would practice celibacy before becoming intimate with her.

This tabloid issue is almost the same as the previously mentioned example but I wanted to point out something. "Hide your Lingerie"? What the hell is that about? Are they saying Bigfoot is a cross dresser? I don't know how gullible the readers of this trashy periodical are but Bigfoot doesn't give a rat's ass about lingerie. If you look at any REAL pictures of Bigfoot in the extremely rare case where they were captured on film, he is NAKED! You see we have a natural thick coat of fur, it keeps us warm, sheds water, and we feel gives us some feeling of dignity. If we are attracted to any human woman at all, it would be one with a lot of body hair.

I don't know where to start. "Bigfoot is everywhere"? Obviously not, the first thing humans do is forcibly remove animals from their natural habitat and put them in cages on public display. You know, places where families take their kids as a form of entertainment, where these little brats can through things at animals without the creature being able to run away. But this magazine is so wrong, picturing the female Bigfoot as a street walking prostitute wearing a sexually suggestive outfit. Duh, Bigfoot does not wear clothing or shoes. Wouldn't that be something, Bigfoot hunters coming back with plaster casts of huge shoe prints?

This one is particularly annoying to me. It leads the reader to believe that Bigfoot is a sex crazed homosexual. Yes, this man spent some time in a Canadian Bigfoot's cave but as a guest not a sex slave. Bigfoot found the man alone and hurt where a tree he was chopping down fell on him. Bigfoot removed the tree that was pinning him and took the man home until he was well enough to travel and then took him to the nearest highway where he was able to flag down a passing car. The fact that this man blatantly lied about Bigfoot for obvious financial gain is a good example of why we do not trust humans. Bigfoot's compassion for all living things, and in particular this man that would have surely died had it not been for a kind Bigfoot's intervention, was repaid with hateful lies. The wife is purported statement "He's no longer the man I married!" is probably the only true claim in the entire article. Don't feel bad lady, we were fooled too. Bigfoot prides himself on his ability to judge the character of other creatures so it was very upsetting to learn how this man turned his back on the ones that saved his life. Oh one more thing, this idiot was a poor excuse for a lumberjack. He was cutting down a fine walnut tree for firewood. Not only was he murdering a perfectly good tree, it was still green and would not have burned anyway. All around were large branches that had fallen and died, perfect for firewood but this dumb ass had to go kill a perfectly good tree.

This is a good one. Just imagine a Bigfoot weighing 700 pounds fighting the average sized human. And this guy claims Bigfoot was "trying" to tear him apart, ha ha! If Bigfoot wanted to he could have ripped the man's arms off in an instant. We have been known to lift cars off the ground but we couldn't tear apart a little mountain climber? Give me a break. Now this man's sordid tale was in fact based on a true story. Bigfoot found the man lost during a blinding blizzard. Against the advice of his guide, this man's "me first" attitude led him to leave his group when he went ahead after the rest had stopped to set up camp. This "mountain climber" had fallen through the ice in a creek and was about to die of exposure. Bigfoot found him crying on the creek and brought him home. The only tearing apart that happened was when Bigfoot ripped offf his freezing clothes and gently covered him so he wouldn't freeze to death. I am surprised he didn't claim be was raped by Bigfoot!

Now I would like to show what Bigfoot is really like. A typical example:

Now here is a picture taken when I was in town visiting Lorraine two years ago. Note that these kids aren't terrified of me nor am I threatening them in any way. Why don't they put pictures like this in there tabloid magazines? Simple, sex and violence sell, not compassion and friendship. I was shunned by the local Bigfoot population for this picture because I broke one of our unwritten laws - Never intentionally allow a picture to be taken of our species. But I was so tired of the stigma hanging over Bigfoot's head where we are thought to be violent creatures who kill on impulse that I allowed this picture to be taken. Like all pictures, once it is put on the Internet there is no way to stop it from circulating.

After 1976, when Elvis came to live with Bigfoot, he taught us the ways of humans. It was very upsetting to learn how rotten people are. Bigfoot holds very high regards for Elvis and he often entertains us with his songs when we all get together during our summer rendezvous. Poor Elvis is getting old now but he has seven kids by his Bigfoot wife, Linda Marie, and 4 grandkids he loves dearly. I only wish all humans were like Elvis, he is a great human and a compassionate man.

[LOsborne]

Lester, darlin', I know these fabrications upset you, but you should see them for the compliments they are. Everyone either wants to be like Bigfoot, or wants to live with Bigfoot. In both cases, it's really just total love and admiration for you fellers. Unfortunately, most shallow humans cannot accept their own infatuation with the form and lifestyle of the Sasquatch, so they must make it tawdry with these absurd publications.

The few of us who are lucky enough to know you, have nothing but respect and affection.

[Sandy Eggo]

Very interesting, Lester. You've given me some valuable insight. I think Lolly is right. You've reach celebrity status and now the fabrications are flying. Look at to the Loch Ness monster for inspiration. He...er...she...seems to take it all in stride. 

[Sandy Eggo]

I was talking with a friend of mine from college today. She was saying that she had a campout/sleepover for her son who is about age 9. They built a campfire and when it got dark, instead of telling ghost stories, they told the legend of Bigfoot. She didn't go into detail (and I didn't ask) what exactly that story entailed, but it couldn't have been too bad because after the story, they gathered their flashlights and homemade cookies (apparently they think Bigfoot really likes those) and went in search of one. After reading your story above, I have mixed feelings on this practice. On one hand, I'm relieved that children have moved up from hunting snipes, but on the other hand, I'm concerned that she's teaching those children to be speciests. What do you think?

On a positive note, they did locate a Bigfoot, he enjoyed the cookies and a good time was had by all.

[LOsborne]

... and homemade cookies (apparently they think Bigfoot really likes those) ...

Lester tells me this is true, but I have observed it depends a great deal upon whose home the cookies were made in. Mine were not up to standard. But my margaritas were!

[Lester Sasquatch]

I was talking with a friend of mine from college today. She was saying that she had a campout/sleepover for her son who is about age 9. They built a campfire and when it got dark, instead of telling ghost stories, they told the legend of Bigfoot. She didn't go into detail (and I didn't ask) what exactly that story entailed, but it couldn't have been too bad because after the story, they gathered their flashlights and homemade cookies (apparently they think Bigfoot really likes those) and went in search of one. After reading your story above, I have mixed feelings on this practice. On one hand, I'm relieved that children have moved up from hunting snipes, but on the other hand, I'm concerned that she's teaching those children to be speciests. What do you think?

On a positive note, they did locate a Bigfoot, he enjoyed the cookies and a good time was had by all.

Bigfoot enjoys a good game of hide and seek with the youngsters, keeps us on our toes. We frown on the idiots with guns that hunt us, blasting at anything that moves in the forest. But the young man should be cautioned about approaching wild animals that appear cute, like the skunk or raccoon. Those that respect the forest and keep it free from their trash are welcome into Bigfoot's habitat. Please don't sit around and wail over a tree stump like those treehuggers do, although we do get a good laugh at them on occasions, their constant crying and blubbering keeps us up during our afternoon naps. Like very other carbon based life form, even the tree follows the cycle of life which finally ends with death.

[Lester Sasquatch]

Lester tells me this is true, but I have observed it depends a great deal upon whose home the cookies were made in. Mine were not up to standard. But my margaritas were!

But Lester's personal all time favorite are those brownies with that secret green ingredient!

[Sandy Eggo]

Well, I must admit that I might provide y'all with quite a bit of frustration and entertainment. While I don't sit in the woods and cry, I do get a bit ticked when I see a perfectly good grove of trees leveled for yet another 7-11 or strip mall or whatever they think of when there are entire plazas sitting empty and growing dusty. Even if those weren't good enough there are plenty of already empty lots which could be utilized for the same purpose. I suppose there could be good reasons why they're not using those, but I'm suspicious they don't always check. Mother nature does have a way of taking care of herself. The problem is that we destroy faster than she can replenish.

[Lester Sasquatch]

Sandy, here is a video of some of these cry babies.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roFB7bGCAgc

[Sandy Eggo]

Sandy, here is a video of some of these cry babies.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roFB7bGCAgc

Okay, I'm a poser. I'm not a tree-hugger at all. 

I felt close to being that sad once when I was hiking and I ended up on a piece of the trail that had been ravaged by a forest fire about 5 years prior. It was strange to see because the fire had cut a path across the trail and down into the valley about two feet wide (guesstimate) and everything on both sides was green. Anyway, I slowed down to take all this in and I admit to feeling a little sad (nowhere near hysterical) because many of these fires are caused by the carelessness of humans, but then I happened to notice a bright green sprig growing out of a charred trunk. Mother nature was recovering.

[Lester Sasquatch]

Well, I must admit that I might provide y'all with quite a bit of frustration and entertainment. While I don't sit in the woods and cry, I do get a bit ticked when I see a perfectly good grove of trees leveled for yet another 7-11 or strip mall or whatever they think of when there are entire plazas sitting empty and growing dusty. Even if those weren't good enough there are plenty of already empty lots which could be utilized for the same purpose. I suppose there could be good reasons why they're not using those, but I'm suspicious they don't always check. Mother nature does have a way of taking care of herself. The problem is that we destroy faster than she can replenish.

The small town of Washington once had large majestic trees along many of its streets. In a matter of just a few days the City cut them all down a few years ago. It seemed like a different strange town the first time I drove down one of those streets that once had those huge trees along side. I guess the mayor thought he was doing the city a favor, maybe they were dying, I don't know but it sure looks different now.

[Sandy Eggo]

Hopefully it was for health or safety reasons, but I agree, a tree lined street is so pretty and welcoming.

[Lester Sasquatch]

My buddy down the road, Moonshine Miller, is an avid inventor and a genius. Moonshine came by asking me how to go about getting the department of defense to look at his new idea - A non lethal landmine that would only effect Islamic targets. First off I would like to present some facts about landmines to the readers.

*Landmines do not discriminate between friend, foe, or innocent civilians.
*The majority of landmine victims are innocent civilians.
*There are an estimated 110 million armed landmines spread around in 70 countries.
*There are 2000 reported injuries every month caused by landmines.

There are many more facts about landmines that I won't type out but believe me, they are all bad. So what makes Moonshine's landmines effective? Well, he designed his nonlethal landmine to spray the immediate target area with bacon bits instead of shrapnel. Imagine a Islamic insurgents surprise when he steps on one of Moonshine's bacon bombs, when it first explodes with the power of a large firecracker the insurgent will think to himself "Stupid Americans, they don't even know how to make a good bomb, something we are taught as soon as we can walk." But then he licks his lips and detects the wonderful salty taste of bacon and a chill runs down his spine. He realizes that the seventy virgins he was promised are no longer waiting for him in heaven after he is killed fighting infidels! In his mind he tries to fight the taste that he is forbidden, but finds it brings him pleasure like he has never experienced. He begins to have second thoughts about Islam - How could Allah create such a tasty thing and refuse his children such a wonderful pleasure? Soon the insurgents are observed dancing in the minefield, showering themselves with tasty bits of fried bacon, possible with additional flavoring such as hickory smoke which men find irresistible. A plane flies over showering the area with leaflets that say - "Jesus ate bacon! You can eat it too!" and the thought of converting to Christianity begins to look good to them. The American front lines will soon be filled with insurgents giving themselves up in order to get more of the addictive pork product we take for granted in this country. The captured insurgents are led to a Tent filled with scantily clad women, dancing girls that are clad in bacon!

Another scenario, American soldiers are surrounded by insurgents, air support is on the way but it will be too late by the time they get to the remote locations. As a last resort, the Marines use the their last ditch weapon, the bacon grenade! Just when the insurgents think they are invincible they hear a thud and look down at their feet. What they see will forever be burned into their minds, strips of savory fried bacon on the outside of a weapon that makes even the bravest Muslim cry in fear!

Bacon Grenade

Another good one! Insurgents come across a weapons cache in the desert. It is night and very dark but they can make out the familiar shape of the AK-47, their weapon of choice. The leader picks up one of the assault rifles and puts it to his shoulder. It is only then that he smells something so good he cannot describe it to his fellow insurgents. Despite the dangers he turns on a flashlight and he recoils in horror when he discovers the weapon is entirely constructed from crispy bacon!

Moonshine demonstrating his Bacon-47 assault rifle

One of the favorite weapons in the American arsenal is the disposable rocket launcher. It would be a very simple task to replace the explosives in the rocket with bacon. Moonshine has provided me with a cut away picture of a bacon launcher.

RPBL _ Rocket Propelled Bacon Launcher

America's new nonlethal weapon! Bacon!

I think Moonshine is on to something.

[Henry Hawk]

I think this moonshine guys is, just as you stated,  a GENIUS!!!!  I love it!!! 

[Lester Sasquatch]

Looking for Lorraine

I don't think the folks here know about my past relationship with the lovely Lorraine Newman who I met when she worked as a barmaid at Redbone's in Montgomery. Lorraine was a petite little gal whom I loved dearly and thought she loved me too. After a few months the relationship soured after I learned Lorraine was seeing Reno, a local tow truck driver. What Lorraine sees in Reno is beyond me, he reeks of BO and has a greasy beard. I showered this woman with gifts and gave her all my affection, never once did I even look at another woman with lust in my eyes while I was committed to her. I haven't seen her since she quit working at the bar and moved in with Reno but today I heard some terrible news.

It seems Reno's house is infested with bedbugs that are carrying a rare and horrible disease, rumpis bumpititus, or the dreaded butt mumps. My good friend T-Bird said he was surprised to see Lorraine and Reno in St. Louis at a baseball game last month. T-Bird says he wouldn't have recognized my sweet Lorraine had it not been for her sitting beside the unmistakable lout Reno, who stunk to high heaven as usual. My friend was able to take a picture of her on his cell phone and she was obviously exhibiting the signs of those butt mumps. I talked to the guy at the county health department and he tells me that after a bedbug carrying the butt mump virus bites their victim on the rear end, the body reacts to the toxins in the bite by the butt swelling up in size. I hope that the readers are as alarmed by this disfiguring disease as much as I am. Thank God butt mumps are not contagious! I once loved Lorraine but after her running off with Reno, I don't want her back, he can keep her now butt mumps and all.

Here is the picture of poor Lorraine at the ballpark.

Lorraine Newman - Infected with Butt Mumps

If you or someone you know have the butt mumps, I suggest you go to a support group. At the present time, there is no known cure for this debilitating and life altering disease. Prevention is the best advice I can give a person, make sure not to let your home become infected with these blood sucking insects. Reno is a well known tightwad and I understand he purchased a used mattress at the local thrift store that was carrying a nest of those horrible bedbugs. Doc tells me that you have to be extremely careful bringing items from a thrift store like the Salvation Army into your home. Say someone donates a chair infested with those horrible miniature vampires, then late at night under the cover of darkness these evil critters crawl out and seek other places to nest. Even seemingly benign items like books and picture frames are not safe, these bedbugs will lay their eggs inside where they lay until someone purchases the item, takes it home where the eggs hatch and the insects find a place to nest. The victims of butt mumps are more prevalent than I first thought. Here is a picture taken at a night club in Evansville last night, the woman in the foreground is obviously suffering from a severe case of rumpis bumpatitus, aka the dreaded Butt Mumps!

Another Victim of the Butt Mumps

I hope that these pictures will make the readers very cautious when they go spend the night at hotels that may be infested with bedbugs. It is no laughing matter that these poor people will have huge asses for the rest of their lives. Currently my buddy Moonshine is working around the clock seeking a cure for butt mumps but at this time he has had no luck at all. If you contract the butt mumps, Moonshine says your best bet is to buy clothing that will stretch so you can wear them while your ass continues to swell.