Confidence and advice

[Sandy Eggo]

I'm seeking some advice on how to deal with a professional dilemma I'm facing. I'm checking a few different resources in an attempt to improve the way that I'm handling this situation and I decided to add "The Zone" to that list. Having posted with you all, for such a long time, I'm sure from the experiences you've all mentioned from time to time, I'm thinking that a few of you have encountered this problem in your careers. I'd like to be able to discuss this at work, but it's a gossip mill and I don't want to add to the problems this person is already  having.

I have a mentee who isn't developing and is in risk of losing her job. Her supervisor has informed her of this.

She has been with the company for 3 years and I'm about the 5th person she's worked with. Normally it takes someone 3 years to reach full performance level and knowledge/skill/confidence-wise, she isn't close.  She has pages and pages of formal training that she's had. Supprt-wise, she's very motivated and intuitive. She'd make a great secretary. Unfortunately, the position she's in has higher demands and my concern is that she lacks the confidence to be successful. I can teach her everything she needs to know, but I don't see where the knowledge is increasing her confidence level. She's terrified of working independently.

I've tried every trick in my book and she only responds to me siting with her and walking her through every...step of .... every...process. When I step away she falls apart. I've been sitting AT her desk with her for the past 3 weeks. My desk is located beside hers. if I don't sit at her desk, she wants to sit in mine and watch me work. Which I've allowed, hoping that she'll see the things I do and it'll give her a kind of compass to use when dealing with different situations. Anyway, I had a class to teach this week, I left her two tasks. Only two. These are routine items that we've done a thousand times since we've been working together and hundreds in the past few weeks that I've been at her desk. It takes me about an hour to complete these tasks, if I have problems. I have an assistant who can do these tasks with guidance in a couple hours. I figured two days, two tasks would be reasonable indpendent work. (Ignoring the fact that she's been in this position for 3 years) She completed none of it. Not even a small piece. Zilch. It's my understanding that she was offered  help, but she seemed like a nervous wreck and told the person that she'd  be over as soon as she finished "this" (a mysterious 'this) and never did.

She lacks confidence and becomes stressed and freaks out. She and I have talked about this. I've given her advice, encouragement, reinforcement,  tools, time and  recommended formal training,  but I don't see an improvement. That's the history and a glimpse of how things are going.

I want to help her become successful, trick her into it if I  have to.  If she shows ANY progress, it'll save her job. After all that's been tried, I'd probably just call it a "wash" and let her sink or swim if I didn't think that she could get it. I honestly believe that IF I can get her over this fear barrier, she'll be awesome at this job. That and it's hard for me to watch such a very nice person fail because she won't let herself believe that she can do it.

Any ideas?

[me]

If after 3yrs she hasn't shown any inkling of confidence you're probably wasting your time and nothing will help.  Has the thought crossed your mind that she actually can do the job but as long as she can get by with it she would prefer to play dumb, or appear to be lacking in confidence, you and others will do the work and she doesn't have to?   

[Sandy Eggo]

No, that thought hasn't crossed my mind. She's not lazy. She actually works very hard. She's constantly helping people, but she doesn't have any sense of priority. I've worked with her on that too. How to recognize what's hot or key. She tends to want to fall back on what she's comfortable with. if it's new or she preceives it to be complicated then it gets prioritized under all of the other "non essential" work that she's proficient at.

[Sandy Eggo]

or controversial...

[kimmi]

I have had this same issue with a mentee of my own.  It stinks when it happens.  I'm thinking of learning styles here.  Does she have a flow chart with instructions?  Maybe she is a visual person and needs a flow chart to follow.  Maybe she should audio tape herself going through the steps and that way she can play it back as much as she needs.  With a student who is constantly coming up and asking how to do something, I would normally assign the first 5 problems and tell them not to come back to me until all 5 are finished.  That way the task is broken up and doesn't seem as overwhelming, and they are having to work it out on their own. 

I hope this helps.  I'm grateful for the mentee I have this year.  She rocks!

[The Troll]

  Sandy I had two friends that sounds like your friend.   One of my friends was an alcoholic and no common sense.  We work together at Ford Motor Co and he was in Inspection.  no dummy when he was sober.  But he was one of the persons who could not stand success.  Things would go good for him and then he would screw up.  He literally suck the life out of me.  I am really soft hearted and people seem to know and will take advantage of me everytime.  Until I catch on.  I talked him into the AA.  It didn't work.  I told him he was wife was going to divorce him.  Naw he said, she won't divorce me, she did.  I loaned him my car and he wrecked it.   Loan him money and he didn't pay it back. I went to his boss and saved his job once.  He would borrow my work tools and never bring them back.  After 3 divorces, lawyers and laws suits he quits Ford after 25 years.  Disappeared to New Mexico,   married a  Mexican illegal alien and how is living some where in Mexico, oh what a blessing for me.

  My second friend almost drove me crazy as he was.  I didn't know it at the time,  He had Border Personality Disorder.  He drove his wife to divorcing him, I went through his divorce with him, because his wife had got a shark for a lawyer and was trying to clean his plow.  I got him a lawyer and with her and myself we saved his ass.  One minute he loved me and thought I was the greatest person in the world and the next second he hated me.  That's when I found out he had Borderline Personality Disorder.  I'm quite sure you know what that means.  If you don't, Goggle it up.  These people can not really be help, especially by someone like me.  And they will use you up as long as you let them

  So what I would say to you is  I lost the two "friends" and I tried so hard to be their friend and it one of the best things I did for myself.

  Tell her, that she might not made for this job and she probably be happer in another job.   And the best time to find another job is when she got one.  Go around and see what's out there.  Go look up Borderline Personality Disorder.  These people, most the time seem normal, but they are so needy and want constant attention and compliments, oh do they need complements.  One minute their are high and the next minute they are low, low, low.

  I hope this helps you a little bit, but I been through this two times and it does hurt to call it off.  But you got to do what you got to do.

[LOsborne]

Sandy, if you have been working to fix this woman for three years, she has reached her Peter Principle. Stop wasting time and making both of you miserable. She'll be happier in some other field, and there is another person out there who could be stellar, that is being denied the chance.

[The Troll]

Sandy, if you have been working to fix this woman for three years, she has reached her Peter Principle. Stop wasting time and making both of you miserable. She'll be happier in some other field, and there is another person out there who could be stellar, that is being denied the chance.

  Ahhh the Peter Principle a very dangerous disease.  Ford Motor Co.  suffered greatly with it at Indianapolis.  Advancing some jerk to a position where he or she was totally incompetent and leaving them there to screw up the whole damn works.

[Mr442]

Sandy, don't let this other person's work habits pull you down.  Cut her loose and move on, you have invested too much time into her as it is.  By helping her, you are enabling her bad behavior.  Until she falls on her ass, by herself, she will never learn.  I've seen it time and time again in my 37 years in a large corporation.  Until a person like this is forced to sink or swim, they continue on this way forever.

[The Troll]

Sandy, don't let this other person's work habits pull you down.  Cut her loose and move on, you have invested too much time into her as it is.  By helping her, you are enabling her bad behavior.  Until she falls on her ass, by herself, she will never learn.  I've seen it time and time again in my 37 years in a large corporation.  Until a person like this is forced to sink or swim, they continue on this way forever.

  Sandy, I want you to Goggle in "Borderline personality disorder"  The second down on the page is a good one and take the test for her.  Which is second from the bottom. 

  If I hadn't read this imformation, I probably still putting up with him and thinking it was my fault.  Read it, you might be suprised.  I sure was.

[Palehorse]

I have to agree with the general answer here too; set her adrift.

About the only other suggestion I would have is to incorporate a flow chart as Kimmi suggests. If that doesn't do it for her then she's SOL. If you can identify tasks that she can do well, and bury her with them, it might help her gain confidence but this late in the game I'd not bet the farm on it. . .

[Henry Hawk]

I have to agree with the general answer here too; set her adrift.

About the only other suggestion I would have is to incorporate a flow chart as Kimmi suggests. If that doesn't do it for her then she's SOL. If you can identify tasks that she can do well, and bury her with them, it might help her gain confidence but this late in the game I'd not bet the farm on it. . .

I go along with Palehorses advice...give Kimmi's suggestion a try, but if that doesn't seem to help any at all, then I say it is time to let her go.  She cannot be feeling too good with herself as it is, this may be a blessing for everyone involved.

[Sandy Eggo]

Thanks for your input, everyone.

Writing everything down, opened the flow of thought processes and I've been able to think about the dilemma more objectively. I've pretty much come to the same conclusion as the rest of you.

Atlhough I think I mislead some of you. Her supervisor has been waiting for her to improve for 3 years, but I've only worked with her a few months. I'm the 5th person she's been placed with.

I think the task of training her actually became personal to me for several reasons and I lost my objectivity.

1. I have a difficult time taking "no" for an answer. My life practice is to have a contingency plan for a contingency plan. I like being prepared w/an alternative because that way, I don't get frustrated when things don't work out the first time. With this individual, I've exhausted all of my plans, so I'm frustrated. Sadly, I think that's par for the course for her.

2. She shares too much personal information with me. Apparently, her husband wasn't supportive at all, when she relayed the conversation that she had w/her manager where he told her he was going to let her go. Her husband told her that he didn't know why she thought that she could do the job because he's always known that she couldn't. She told me another story about some medical issue she's having and her husband made a comment that she was starting to remind him of that old 74 Ford he had. She said that she laughed and said, "you loved that truck" and he said, "yeah and when it started to fall apart, I got rid of it." It clearly hurt her feelings. She works full time and feels guilty if her physical therapy prevents her from being home to cook supper for her husband. When I asked why he doesn't fend for himself, she said, because he can't cook and he travels a lot so he doesn't like to eat out. I said, so he can't make a sandwich or nuke something? and she said that he won't. He'll wait for her to get home. There's more, but you guys know me. That totally activated "Super liberated woman" in full costume. I want to help her so that she can show his ass that she can do it. So that she can have a success  for herself.

Anyway, the bottom line is...she's an adult and she has to step up. If she choses to, then I'll teach her everything she needs to know about our job, but if she doesn't then she's allowing herself to become a victim of her own insecurity. I'm not responsible for her.

[Sandy Eggo]

Oh and Kimmi I gave her a copy of the order of processes that I developed for myself to prevent poor time management. We did screen shots for her to follow of many of the processes within the databases. So, it's not really a flow chart per se, but I thought it would help her focus on one thing at a time rather than becoming overwhelmed with the big picture. She uses these, but if I'm away from my desk she loses focus anyway.

The next, and probably last thing that I'm going to try is to get her to document everything she does during the day. I'm going to keep track, as much as possible, of all of the little time wasters (non mission essential BS that she does) hoping that she'll begin to see how she's her own worst enemy.

[The Troll]

Oh and Kimmi I gave her a copy of the order of processes that I developed for myself to prevent poor time management. We did screen shots for her to follow of many of the processes within the databases. So, it's not really a flow chart per se, but I thought it would help her focus on one thing at a time rather than becoming overwhelmed with the big picture. She uses these, but if I'm away from my desk she loses focus anyway.

The next, and probably last thing that I'm going to try is to get her to document everything she does during the day. I'm going to keep track, as much as possible, of all of the little time wasters (non mission essential BS that she does) hoping that she'll begin to see how she's her own worst enemy.

  I hope it works for you, We will call my ex friend Neal.  One night I was watching the Health Channel and was watching this show and watch all of the odd thing the actor was doing.  I said to my wife this show is about Neal.  That's the first time I heard of Borderline disorder.

  One day when was Neal was really, really down, I layed it on the line about what I thought was wrong.  I show him the print outs I had made.  We went through this step by step.  He agreed that he was like that in many ways and that his parents and grandmother had treated him badly when he was very long.  I told he should see a doctor and get some medicine to help him feel better.  Maybe even a shrink.

  He looked my right in the eyes and said,  well, I know that I do somethings people think is odd.  BUT I AM NOT CRAZY.  I told my doctor about it and he said that's what they do.  They won't admit they have it and that's the start of their journey to health and happness.  My doctor said his wife had it and there was some difficult times in their marriage.

  I would be interesting to see how close your work friend comes to being a borderline.   Good Luck.