Raising Children

[Sunny]

I have to agree with you on that accord, MsMojo...kinda like not giving your child food or drink. If it's something that they emotionally or physically depend on, than it can be perceived as punitive rather than disciplinarian.

My girls are very routine...almost too much. When it's naptime, they want their nap & their things...when it's lunch or dinner time...bedtime...etc..it's great to have structure, but not the inflexibility.

[pariann]

There's not much I need to discipline with when it comes to the older girls.  Though...16 would not take her meds yesterday because she was mad at me.  I wouldn't let her drive to work. She has her learners permit, and sometimes I'm in a hurry to get things done so I would prefer to drive rather than be stressed out sitting in the passenger seat.  She doesn't understand this, and threw a tantrum saying I never let her drive, she will never get the practice. Never mind she's not going to work.  (I attribute some of the attitude I got from her a result of not taking her med for the previous two days)  I laid her medicine on the table, told her she was going to take those, and she was going to work. It was her first day.   She told me she was not.  I told her if she didn't take them, forget about driving at all any more.   Amazing, she took her meds, and then she did go get in the van, in the passenger seat and didn't say another word.  I agree if you take away the thing that is most important to them, you can and most likely will get the desired results.

My 10 year old is another story, she's been traumatized by the last 8 months and has a mouth on her that won't quit.  She's well behaved everywhere but at home.  At home she walks in the door with the bad attitude, starts yelling at everyone, fighting with her sisters over stupid crap.  Says she hates everyone, everyone hates her, she might as well not even be a part of this family.  Just on and on and on.  Talking to her doesn't help, time out doesn't help, the threat of a spanking doesn't help.  But what does help is sending her to her room.  I don't take away her tv in there, I don't take away her drawing materials or her books. I don't take away her computer.  I just make her stay in her room.  This is effective because she wants to be where everyone else is. Not alone in her room.  When I just can't take anymore, that's where she goes.  We have tried to address this problem in family counseling, but so far have not gotten anywhere with her.  I'm at my wit's end and I can't let her spend the rest of her minor years in her room.  Otherwise, she's a bright kid that doesn't get into any trouble anywhere else, doesn't do what she isn't supposed to do and minds when she's told to do anything, except shutting her mouth.  (okay I said well behaved everywhere but at home, she's mostly well behaved at home, with the exception of what I have described.)

[Sunny]

Sounds like your 10 year-old is doing a lot of "testing limits" for response & reassurance that you aren't going anywhere. I'm sure she certainly receives a lot of from you & her sisters, but at age 10, we experience a lot of uncertainty developmentally without anything else traumatic going on in our home or with our family.

Hopefully she'll gain some insight soon...

[kerrybeth]

My youngest never liked it either. In fact, she hated (still hates) going to bed at night so much that any routine was near impossible, because she knew what was coming. Generally, I read with her and if she's feeling "babyish" then I sing her a couple songs. I only know nursery rhymes and made up jingles so it's not high quality singing.LOL To her it is though.

It seems to me that taking something away from your child, like being rocked to sleep, is almost like withdrawing yourself from the child and could be perceived to be withdrawing love.  Just a thought. I always make sure that once the matter is "settled" - - meaning discussed and punishment assigned that I give them a hug and/or kiss and tell them I love them. They don't want it, because they're mad, but I want the message to get through to them that I disapprove of "the behavior" but nothing changes the way I feel about them.

That is true. Which is why I still tell her that I love her, read her a story and sing to her (poor thing) at bedtime and lay down with her until she falls asleep..even if she is in trouble. Just no rocking chair.
We have numerous lullyabye cds, but she likes me to sing. My voice is terrible!!

[~Daisy~]

Here's what I cant figure out: at my mom's during the day, my boys have and stick to a routine. They sometimes grab their stuff and head to bed if they see that my mom has let the clock tick by a few extra minutes. Here at home? Whole other story. I've tried routines. Nothing works. Now, its so bad that the only way my 4 year old will go to bed is if I'm in bed with him. No ifs, ands, or buts. And as much as I love him, it is starting to suck. Hubby and I have actually had to sneak around and use another room in the house for, uh...well...and I just want my bed back!

[Sunny]

To toss a few things out there, Daisy...first of all, I think our children look at "grandma" in a completely different light than they do us -- different house, different rules, different level of respect. So, IMHO, it's futile to compare the behavior she receives vs. what we see. 

Second of all, even though you have attempted to set a routine & enforce rules, do you think that Aaron's schedule may have an effect on the boys' sleeping patterns? Maybe not, but I know when my husband was travelling for work a lot, I saw completely different temperaments in my children. Something was always a little off balance when he was gone...be it their appetites, their sleeping patterns, or overall mood.

I just chalked that up as their way of communicating their dissastification of daddy one day here, next day gone.

*shrug*

[~Daisy~]

Oh totally. They are completely different kids when he's around. He doesn't get why I'm so frazzled sometimes!

[Sunny]

I can relate...but, then again...I am also frazzled by having 2 children & a husband here 24/7!

Thank goodness he gave me today off.

And here I sit.

[~Daisy~]

I hear ya. I'm supposed to be running a whole bunch of errands right now, but there are some difficulties in getting them done...plus the youngest is napping now, so who knows. Anyway, he'll be home in a few hours. Yay.

[Sunny]

Well, that's exciting!!!! but, that means you won't around here much.

Enjoy your time.

[~Daisy~]

I wish I were that excited. He just has a one track mind. I can't sit and talk about money all the time. Its driving me crazy.

[Sunny]

Then get him talking about that new house!

[~Daisy~]

He wants to stay here. I don't blame him. I'm happy with that. I looked at the house I liked, but to be honest, I didn't have those "home" feelings. And I couldn't picture us there. This was before I talked to him about it in detail, and I was relieved when he said that.

[Sunny]

Well, then it wasn't meant to be.

[~Daisy~]

Yeah, I think you're right. We've been working so hard to get what we've got, I need to step back and just remember that!