before you have children....

[awol]

There are all sorts of books out there telling you what to expect as far as lifestyle changes after the big day when your child arrives. Most of these will take you as far as age six months to a year, and leave you to figure it out on your own after that.  Having figured some of it out for myself, and listening to the others who have figured it out for themselves, I thought it would be prudent to fill you all in who might be considering children.  Before overpopulation becomes a bigger problem.

Sleep.  You take it for granted.  Oh, sure, you might go on a weekend "bender" once in a while... perhaps even a vacation seeing 14 cities in 10 days.  You have no idea.  Sleep is one thing when you know you will be getting some after you're through having fun.  It's completely different when you don't know if you will ever sleep again.  So, don't tease your friends with small children with "I slept like 2 hours all weekend!  I'm so tired!" because they haven't slept for 2 hours in a row in months.  They tell you most married people break up because of money or infidelity, but I would love to see that broken down into those who have children vs. those who don't.  Sleep becomes all you talk about, all you argue about, all you crave.

"I got an hour nap this evening because I got stuck in traffic behind an overturned toxic waste truck."

"Lucky bastard!"

The experts say that young children will sleep 8 hours a night, with a nap during the day, and that may be true if you move them from nursing to a strict diet of wheat grass and water.  But the first time you stray from that, a lazy Sunday, and you feel like picking up donuts, beware.  They get hooked.  They will turn away all other foods until they are unable to move from lack of nutrients, and their eyes are sunken and dark.  They will remind you of the late night Christian Charity commercials.  And they will scream.  From this point on, your child will sleep an average of 4 hours in any given 24 hour period.  Most of this will be done while they are at day care, and the rest will be in 7 minute intervals while you are standing and holding them.

[awol]

more as it comes to me...

[pariann]

Your child met itty bitty, huh?

[Henry Hawk]

on a good note, it gets a "little" better as they get older...a little...

[Bo D]

on a good note, it gets a "little" better as they get older...a little...

Yeah ... and then they turn into TEENAGERS! 

[pariann]

And you lose sleep all over again.   Unless you are single, and you start dating, then your teenager loses sleep wondering if you are ever coming home.

[Palehorse]

I don't know which is worse, the sleep deprivation periods or the "know it all" periods in which they attempt to wrest control of the world.

[Exterminator]

I managed much of the teen years with the following:

Ten Rules for Dating My Daughter

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately display a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: "Wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night."

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room:
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Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them from your body.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, I am told, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful... like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness of any kind.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's Apple.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay, too.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


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My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these ten simple rules from memory. Hey, if I were him, I'd be embarrassed, too-- there are only ten of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it. The cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball-point pen might be inadequate (ink washes off) and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the ten simple rules?

[Bo D]

When my daughters started dating, I had a speech for the young "gentlemen."

"This is my daughter. I love her very much. If she gets hurt, in any way, while she is out with you, whether it's you fault of not, I will rip off your head and shit down your windpipe."

No lie. I really did it. My daughters would be embarrassed but some of the guys actually respected me for it and became my friends too.

[Henry Hawk]

 

I now have a 15-year old daughter...and, I WILL impose a few of these rules....I have already told my daughter IF, a boy wants to take you out on a date, he MUST call me first and ask.....THAT will be rule number one....

[Henry Hawk]

"This is my daughter. I love her very much. If she gets hurt, in any way, while she is out with you, whether it's you fault of not, I will rip off your head and shit down your windpipe."

and rule number two....

[Palehorse]

IMHO daughters are a LOT more trouble than sons. My daughters gave me hell, especially during their "rule the world" phases. (Yes, there are more than one). I made a habit of catching their potential suitors out on the street, and telling them my single condition for their pursuit of my daughters:

"Do anything I will dislike to my daughter and I will hunt you down and kill you. If you are not sure if I would like it, assume I won't, don't do it, and live to see another day." Then I'd walk away.

When combined with the fact I had just "appeared" next to them to deliver the message, it was very effective and typically left them with eyes bulging and mouth agape. My daughters hated me for it, and still do. 

[Henry Hawk]

"Do anything I will dislike to my daughter and I will hunt you down and kill you. If you are not sure if I would like it, assume I won't, don't do it, and live to see another day." Then I'd walk away.

I think I just found rule number 3....

[pariann]

You guys with your 1 and 2 daughters.  Trying raising 7!!!

[Palehorse]

You guys with your 1 and 2 daughters.  Trying raising 7!!!

I have 5 daughters. . .