Jokes...

[Wickey]

An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits
down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.

            Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

            American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

            Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.  In France, we
only eat what's inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a
smirk on his face.

            The American listens in silence.

            The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

            American: "Of Course."

            Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and
chuckling).

            "We don't.  In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put
all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

            After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex
in France?"

            Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

            American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?"

            Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

            American: "We don't.  In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

[Fatcats Mom]

LOL.....That is to funny

[IYT]

Why do kids always leave first thing in the morning at Michael's house?

They have their shit packed the night before

[Gryphon]

ohhh
that is sooo nasty.

[IYT]

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come all over your face until you're a teenager

[Wickey]

This was posted by someone on one of the message boards I post on and I thought it was hilarious!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early
one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me there was
a cancellation and the 9:30am appointment was available. I took it. I had
only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around
8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any
time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full
effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that
was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to
make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
some other such glamorous place a million miles away. I was a little
surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this
morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of
the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, "Mommy, where 's my washcloth?" I told her t o get another one
from the cupboard.

She replied, "No!!!".

(Now wait for it...this is too funny not to be true!!!)

She yelled, "I need the one that was here by the sink! , it had all my
glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

[Sandy Eggo]

Wickey, I've seen that last one before and it makes me laugh till I cry everytime I read it. That is so hilarious and so totally something that could happen to me. LOL

[IYT]

When do you know it's time for bed at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

[Wickey]

This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human  kindness.
Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida,  forwarded
the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's  office after
the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady  received a
new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say  thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you  know who
might need a lift today.


Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for  the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice  to know
that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to  an old
forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I  received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was  napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a  lot of
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could  listen
to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna

[Gryphon]

my favorite joke of all time:

Four nuns are traveling together when their van overturns and they are all killed instantly.

Arriving at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says "Sisters, I know what lives you've led in service to the Lord, but before I can let you in, I must ask each of you a question."
The first sister steps forward...
"Sister" asks Peter, "have you ever touched a penis?"
The nun blushes and admits that, yes, she once touched one with her finger as a girl.
"Such a sin is minor compared to the good works you've done. Please wash that finger in this holy water and go inside." The sister does that, and the second nun steps forward.
"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" Peter asks. She admits that once, before joining the Convent, she had indeed touched a penis with her hand.
"I'm sure the Lord can forgive such a small transgression. Sister, wash the offending hand in this Holy Water and enter." She does so, and joins the first nun in Heaven.
St. Peter motions for the third nun, who is blushing noticeably.
"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" He asks the third nun. She opens her mouth to answer when the fourth nun steps up.
"Now wait a damned minute! If you think Im going to gargle with that Holy Water after she washes her ass in it, you are sadly mistaken!"

[Wickey]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
  One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
  suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
  stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom,
  pulled Jim out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
  immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because
she
  now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

  She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news.
The  good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
  rationally to a crisis.  By jumping in the pool to save the life of
  another
  patient, you displayed sound mindedness.

  The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
  bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so
sorry,
  but he's dead."

  Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When did
you say I could go home?"

[Wickey]

The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE".



He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!



You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want.



After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

[Wickey]

The Preacher
       
It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think
of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m., he finally said to
his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going
to give a sermon about horseback riding!"

She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback
riding!"

He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on
just about every other subject I can think of."

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't
believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, if you're going
to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in
the car during the service."

He said, "OK, then, suit yourself." So she stayed in the car!

Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden
inspiration and gave a hellfire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just
had the congregation in awe.

As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw his
wife sitting in the car and approached her window.

One of them said, "Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has
ever given!"

She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but
he's only tried it twice in his life! Once before we were married and
once after, ... and he fell off both times!"

[Wickey]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."



The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

He never heard the shot.