to invite or not to invite...

[~vxn~]

my oldest son will be 8 on friday.  i am having a party on sunday--2 parties, actually.  one for my family and one for my victim's family.  (his mother is afraid that she will say something to my mother to cause a fight.)

my mother has no respect for me or my family.  she used to walk in my house and before even saying "hello" she'd be asking for money.  i begged her to stop asking my victim--it was putting a strain on our relationship.  she never did quit.  she steals from me.  etc.

my niece had a birthday a few weeks ago.  my mother showed up absolutely messed up.  falling asleep standing, falling asleep smoking.  falling asleep eating cake.  i kept trying to get her to go to a bedroom.  she kept yelling, "i'm fine.  leave me alone."  i told her she was making a fool of not only herself--but of her children--that the behavior was a detriment to the grandkids.

on the way home i demanded to know what she took--she boldface lied to me.  "nothing."  i was an alcoholic, i can see addiction and drug use from a mile away.  i found out that night that my sister (whose kid's party she ruined) that my mother did a very heavy narcotic that she bought off a 15 year old dealer.

she'd always gripe how my father would stay upstairs for our parties as children.  i now understand why he did.  perhaps he was high or drunk or hungover and some part of him wanted to spare us the humiliation.

i do not want her here.  my victim says that i probably should invite her since she is my mother.  i don't want a scene like that at my house.  i don't know what to do.  my sons might be hurt if their grammy doesn't show up--but they might suffer far worse damage if she does show up.

[jazzer100]

Wow VXN

I have had a similar experience in my life. My father was an addict to drugs and alcohlo most of his life and mine. My dad showed up to the birth of my  child an absolute mess on drugs and embarrassed me and himself in front of the whole family including my wife's. It was at this moment that I decided for the sanity of myself and my family's that he if was using he was not included in my family's life. I do not regret this deceision my dad got it and changed so he could be around his grandkids. My kids have fond memories of him good memories of good times and not the memories I have of a drugged out abusive mess.

Even though she is your mother it is your choice whether to include her and if you feel strongly that you do not want their then she should not be there.

Remember you did not make her do the things she does or is doing and she has to accept the consequences and responsibilities for these actions not you.

I wish you the best

[kimmi]

I completely agree.  Although addiction is not something that can usually be dealt with cold turkey, she is going to have to WANT to quit first.  Subjecting your children to that kind of behavior makes it an "ok" behavior in their eyes.  You have allowed it so they will accept it.  My father was similar in many ways.  He didn't have too many opportunities to be an ass in front of others but when he did, he seemed to want to say what was on his mind no matter who was around.  Sadly he went to rehab for drinking as ordered by the court.  He stayed there because if he has left, he was going to jail for his DUI.  He got out in December, started drinking again in January, and died in March.  He never thought he had a problem.  Sad. 

Your mom needs help realizing she has a problem and maybe a good start is by not inviting her to family fun times where there will be other people (not just family) around.

[BEG]

First, this is really sad and I feel terribly for you and and your family, vxn. However, sometimes the child must be the parent. It is tough and she's going to call you everything in the book and ask you how dare you not invite her - but then you just have to ask yourself - how can I possibly invite her. IMO, the anger of your mother is worth saving your family from having an incident at your son's party.

As you well know, but just as a reminder, sometimes the addict has to lose everything before he /she turns for help and other times (such as Kimmi's dad) they never do. But if she does, that's when this stuff goes on the back burner and family support is a must.

[~vxn~]

her excuse all these years was the motorcycle accident in 1986.  she'd been taking prescription painkillers saying the pain never went away.  i watched her flip out on a dr. for reducing a dosage once.  i told her that was the behavior of an addict. 

i told her again a few weeks ago that she needs rehab.  she basically told me to go get bent. 

i am known not only as the black sheep, but the b**** of the family.  i don't let ppl walk on me.  i'm the only one of her children who will tell her she's screwing up.  my sister (who is younger) has gone into debt giving our mother money.  and now we find out it's going to prescriptions off the street.  (who knows what other drugs.)  she doesn't admit to a problem, then she cannot fix it.

i cannot allow her to influence my children.  they don't need to see that "it's okay, other ppl do drugs, even my grammy..."  no.  the moment i became a parent i decided my children were more important than vodka and that i wasn't going to display such a vile trait to them. 

look what my parents showed me.  when faced with annoyance or opposition--beat it bloody.  when it gives up, kick it again.  why face problems?  drink.  drink so long and hard that you are sober again.  repeat.  let a man beat the crap out of you and your kids.  let him do whatever he wants.  just take the abuse.  run away from responsibility.  depend on everyone else. 

no thank you.  they taught me to be the opposite.  took me a while to figure it out (especially the fighting and alcohol...), but i'm not going to take the chance that she could screw my children up as bad as she screwed up her own.

i have contemplated considering myself an orphan.  my parents died in that motorcycle accident.  my mother never came back.  my father was never a father any way.  (unless you consider doping up and beating your children bloody and breaking their bones a show of affection.) 

to me, her behavior is the same--it is abuse.  it brings back all those less-than-fond childhood memories.  i don't want to spend the day celebrating the birth of son--(the only thing that kept me from killing myself)--sitting in a bathroom wondering why i didn't just freaking do it.

and my poor siblings.  my sister was really shocked at my mother showing up at her house like that.  my brother in the army had to leave.  my other brother was high right along with her.  to think that she'd get high with my baby brother (he's 21, last friday), makes me sick.  how can you sit across from your spawn look them in the face and then pass the drugs? 

i would never visit the torture of addiction upon my own innocent children.

i apologize for rambling like a fruit here, but the pist-off-ity is raging... i am so upset by her behavior.  i appreciate the responses.  i was shocked at the support.  i thought i'd get more of the "she's your mother" type responses.  thank you.

[kimmi]

I think you are absolutly doing the right thing.  That is really sad about your younger brother.  I wish there were more things to do. 

You could always call the show Intervention? Just a dumb thought! 

[jazzer100]

Its just like I stated before just because she's your mother does not mean you have to put up with that s**t. You seem like a very strong person and have your head screwed right. I applaud you for it. I agree with kimmi you are doing the right thing. If somebody has not walked in your shoes then they just don't understand. Do not become an enabler that is just as bad as the user.

[~vxn~]

interesting, kimmi... but don't their families talk them into getting help on that show?  you can't force someone to get clean and she obviously isn't even willing ot admit a problem.

Do not become an enabler that is just as bad as the user.

excellent point, jazzer... indeed.

[Sunny]

Seems like you answered the question yourself...some people call it "tough love" -- in your situation, it sounds more like a "healthy decision" for you and your family. Be strong & know that it's okay to stop the cycle. You deserve to say 'no more'.

[~vxn~]

thank you, sunny.  really.

[kimmi]

interesting, kimmi... but don't their families talk them into getting help on that show?  you can't force someone to get clean and she obviously isn't even willing ot admit a problem.

excellent point, jazzer... indeed.

No I think the person is talked into a documentary about addiction or whatever and then they are "surprised" with the actual intervention.  I've seen shows where it didn't work so I don't think it is established ahead of time.