operation report

[Lester Sasquatch]

Over the weekend I was involved in a covert intelligence gathering operation deep in the Amish country. The operation was extremely dangerous and I barely escaped with my life. The following is my preliminary report:

I received a package at the PPMC headquarters last week from an anonymous sender. Inside I found a lengthy dossier concerning the local Amish community and their involvement with the Reptilian ELF organization. I was very skeptical about the sender's claim that the peace loving Amish were being controlled by reptilian forces so I decided to go undercover and infiltrate the Amish community. I brushed up on my linguistics, practicing "der, thou, and thee" and started getting up before sunrise and practiced milking cows by hand. I didn't need to grow a beard but instead performed a full body shave except for my head. Then with the help of the PPMC resident makeup artist, Cyrus Wintergreen, I was disguised as a travelling horse drawn farm implement salesman named Otto Brewster. Cyrus worked for the famous director George Romero before he was blacklisted due to a freak accident where an actor had an allergic reaction to some stage makeup. I went to Dinky's auction barn in Daviess County on Friday night where I blended in with the Amish crowd very well.

Me in my Amish Disguise

While a horse was being auctioned off I noticed the auctioneer making the tell tale sounds that can put a human in a hypnotic trance. I pretended to be hypnotized and stared off into the distance when someone came up behind me. Then I heard a hiss and felt something on the back of my neck. It was a Amish man attempting to implant a mind control microchip at the base of my skull! Fortunately I had foreseen this possibility and had Cyrus put a small metal plate under my makeup. I pretended to be under the control of the microchip and smiled at the Amish man before I noticed his eyes were not human but small and beady. It was a reptilian hybrid wearing a full human facemask but he didn't realize I was not under the control of his evil leaders.

Just a few minutes later I was approached by Wilbur Wagler, an Amish man who owns a large dairy farm in the County. Wilbur asked me to come with him so I followed the man to his buggy out in the parking lot. I noticed that his horse was standing very still, like it was frozen. Then I recalled from the anonymous report that the Amish were using android horses, robots that were powered by an internal methane generator. We left the auction and were traveling down Cannelburg road when I noticed we were being followed by a pickup. Wilbur noticed it too and pulled over to let the truck pass but it came to a stop beside us. Inside the vehicle were two drunk coal miners who were looking for trouble. They started to curse at us when Wilbur lifted a secret panel on the dashboard of the buggy exposing several buttons. He pushed one and I saw the horse lift its tail and emit a cloud of green gas directly into the open window of the pickup truck beside the buggy. The two men inside started gagging and were soon rendered unconscious.   Wilbur explained that his horse was equipped with a Fast Acting Rear Targeting System, then I saw the label above the button he had pressed said F.A.R.T.S. and realized what the letters stood for.

Wilbur started to take off when we observed flashing red lights behind us. It was a Daviess County Sheriff's car and he was trying to pull us over to see what was going on. Wilbur did not hesitate and we started moving at a fast clip. The police car was following us close behind when we came to a long straight stretch in the road. Wilbur pushed another button and my head was shoved back against the seat from the rapid acceleration. The driver pushed another button and the buggy went into a complete blackout but we could see from the nightvision windshield and infrared headlights. I knew we were travelling very fast because the sound of the horses hooves on the pavement sounded like a loud burp but only later learned that the deputy's radar clocked us at a speed of 186 mph. After we topped a hill, Wilbur put the buggy into a slide and we turned down a side road and travelled about a half mile before I saw the headlights of the deputy's car race by on the main road. The rest of the trip was uneventful and we pulled into the Wagler driveway about 15 minutes later.

Wilbur Wagler in Hi-Performance Buggy

Note control panel with buttons

When I got out of the buggy I noticed a low pitch hum coming from the barn. Bigfoot can hear extremely low frequencies, much lower than the human ear can so I realized the humming sound was probably not noticeable to my host. Wilbur took me inside and introduced me to his wife Beth and 14 children. Beth set two plates at the table and my host and I set down and ate a late evening meal. I noticed that the temperature inside the Wagler house was very warm, an indicator of the presence of reptilians. The Waglers all had scabs on the back of their necks indicating recent implants of the ELF mind control chips. Later I was shown to the basement where I was to sleep and I settled down into the soft bed. Later, after the family was sleeping, I got up and inspected my surroundings. My attention was drawn to a closet door that I opened only to find a concrete wall. Using my special CSI flashlight with the blue bulb, I saw there were several sets of footprint leading to and from the closet door. I could not be sure but I believe it was a time-dimensional portal that reptilians are very fond of. I blocked the door with a nearby chair and returned to bed.

I woke up with the smell of bacon and biscuits in the air and looked at my watch to see it was 5:45 AM. I went upstairs to see the women cleaning the dishes and Wilbur setting in his chair at the table. Wilbur saw me and said "I thought you were going to sleep all day!" and motioned for me to take a seat in front of a clean plate.  A young boy brought me two plates, one with biscuits and the other piled high with bacon. When he came close to the table where I could see him in the light from the gas lantern I froze in horror, he was an albino with pink eyes and only a few long hairs protruding from his otherwise bald scalp. The poor kid was the product of genetic wires getting crossed by generations of inbreeding. I grinned at the youngster to which he smiled back showing two rows of teeth, most completely rotted away. As I took the plates from him I could not help but notice he had eight fingers on each hand. I learned the boy's name was Willy and he seemed to be attached to me after I showed interest in him.

Little Willy Wagler

After I started eating my host stood up and told me he was going to the barn and when I was done I could find him there. Little Willy stared at me the whole time I was eating and, when I got up to leave the table, followed in my footsteps to the barn. When we got to the Wagler dairy barn I realized how big the structure was. The large open hayloft was large enough to hold a basketball court and the first level had a maze of rooms including the huge milking parlor. While Wilbur was milking I went to find the source of the loud humming noise. Having no luck inside the barn, I went outside to walk around the perimeter hoping to have better luck. As I walked by the grain silo the sound increased and when I turned around I saw that little Willy was still right behind me. He young boy ran over to a lever on the side of the ladder and grabbed it in one hand while pointing to the top of the silo with the other. When he pulled the lever I saw the top of the brain silo open up like a clamshell and a satellite dish rise up in the early morning sunlight. I took out my cell phone and started taking pictures when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Wilbur Wagler and he was not happy!

Wagler Barn and Silo

As I tried to pull away from Wilbur's hand he only gripped tighter. I was about to try to make a break for it when Wilbur let out a sound like he was calling hogs. Within just a few seconds the entire Wagler clan had me surrounded, each had some kind of weapon in their hands including knives, pitchforks, and other tools found on the typical Amish farm. As they were leading me back to the house the mailman pulled up and I saw my chance to escape. I yelled at the mailman and took off at a run towards his vehicle. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Wilbur take off his straw hat and, in just an instant he flipped his wrist sending the hat through the air and at the mailman. I was horrified when I saw the hat seem to pass by the man's head without touching it and sail in a big arc back to Wilbur's outstretched hand. But then, like in slow motion, the mailman's head fell from his body into the gravel in front of the mailbox. It was the first time I had witnessed the deadly Amish throwing hat in action. Later I learned that these seemingly benign straw hats have a razor sharp metal ring embedded in the brim and that, with years of training, they can be thrown and decapitate their target at long ranges.

Three of the Wagler children were assigned clean up duties and I was led to a well hidden root cellar beside the main residence where I was locked inside. About an hour later I heard several buggies pull up and the sound of men talking. I heard a scratching sound from the back ceiling of my cell and saw Willy looking down through an air vent, he waved and smiled. I heard Beth Wagler ordering Willy to the barn to churn the butter and his grotesque little face disappeared from sight. The door to the cellar opened and I saw three large Amish men in the doorway. I thought to myself "This doesn't look good" but little did I know how bad it would soon be. They grabbed me and bound me to metal rings embedded in the concrete walls of the root cellar. Looking back, I am sure they were put there for the purpose of restraining humans. Two of the men were human but the largest was a reptilian hybrid that was obviously cold blooded because he wore a large heavy coat the entire time. They began interrogating me hoping it would be easy but after just a few minutes the reptilian brought out an electric cattle prod and zapped my several times.

The Root Cellar

I refused to answer their questions. Was I alone on this mission, who else knew where I was, did I have any pets at home and if so how many. Soon the pain was so bad I fell unconscious and my torturers left me there. I woke up and the sun was about to go down. Then I heard that scratching noise again. It was little Willy looking down at me. I asked him to let me out, he shook his head NO. Finally I told him that Wilbur wanted me to help him with his chores. He looked at me suspiciously but I knew he wanted to let me help him. So I told him "Willy, your daddy wants me to help you churn the butter. I wouldn't know that is your job if he hadn't told me."  Little Willy looked down at me for a minute, then disappeared from view and I heard a rattle at the door. The door opened up and I ran out. I realized that Willy could not talk, much less scream. I hated to do it but I shoved the kid into the root cellar and shut the door, securing it with the lock. I made my way cross country and across the county line with the help of darkness to my cave where I collapsed from exhaustion. Wagler had taken my cell phone with most of the evidence I had accumulated except for a few pictures I sent before I was caught. It took me several days to recoup from my escapade and I am still not 100%.

This concludes my preliminary report.

[LOsborne]

This Bond-car type buggy is new, isn't it? Did you see any evidence of the stealth buggies they were using a year or two ago?

[Lester Sasquatch]

Among the local Amish folks are a group of hardened criminals that have long been involved in organized crime. This group of Amish men are better known as the Cornfield Mafia. The true identity of the leader of this Cornfield Mafia is not known but goes by the name the "Buggy Master". The Amish are a close knit group and all attempts to infiltrate the Cornfield Mafia have ended on a sour note. Enforcers are called "Bush Hogs" and are greatly feared for their ruthlessness and lack of empathy. A Bush Hog is trained from birth in every manner to inflict pain imaginable and can kill a man in the blink of an eye. The Cornfield Mafia profits from illegal drugs, prostitution, Amish strip clubs, gambling, and the illegal sale of dairy products. At this time the Amish are involved in a big fight with the Mexican gangs over control of the bathtub cheese trade in SW Indiana.

One time my neighbor Doc was traveling down a remote gravel road late at night when he came upon several buggies in the roadway. Before he could turn around he was pulled out of his truck and savagely beaten by masked Bush Hogs. Left for dead on the side of the road, Doc was able to get back in his truck and make it to the emergency room. Police investigated and determined it was a case of mistaken identity. It seems Doc's truck is the same make, model, year and color of the infamous Mexican bathtub cheesemaker known to law enforcement as the "Cheese Whiz". The Cheese Whiz has a degree in chemistry and uses his knowledge to create a cheese product that is highly regarded for its taste and texture by Bathtub Cheese connoisseurs. It is rumored that the secret of this delicacy is how the Cheese Whiz bathes in the milk before it is turned into cheese. I won't post exactly what else this man does in the milk but it is pretty obvious by his name.

Bathtub Cheese is a multimillion dollar business that caters mostly to illegal aliens but is quickly gaining in popularity amongst the local residents. Health inspectors recently discovered that many Mexican restaurants in our local area are serving Bathtub Cheese with tortilla chips and sell it as "goat cheese". Local politicians have petitioned the Obama administration to appoint a Cheese Czar who will regulate the manufacturing and distribution of bathtub cheese. Hopefully the individual appointed as cheese czar will track down and apprehend the infamous Cheese Whiz.