It is a sad day

[Lester Sasquatch]

I just read some disturbing news! The Liberace Museum has closed its doors. This news is particularly upsetting to me because I was planning my next family vacation around a visit to the Liberace museum. Now we will have to alter our original plans and go to see our second choice, the UFO Museum in Roswell, NM.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap_travel/20101018/ap_tr_ge/us_travel_brief_liberace_museum;_ylt=AtMfDdEtwEVuVDb9pyJLszyWwvIE;_ylu=X3oDMTQ2MzJscjdiBGFzc2V0Ay9zL2FwX3RyYXZlbC8yMDEwMTAxOC9hcF90cl9nZS91c190cmF2ZWxfYnJpZWZfbGliZXJhY2VfbXVzZXVtBGNjb2RlA21wX2VjXzhfMTAE

I would like everyone to know I am not a scientist but I have a theory about this global warming trend. If one were to study climate records they would soon discover that the start of the increased average temperatures recorded on the surface of this planet directly coincide with the death of Liberace. After some very deep thinking, I have come to a rather unique conclusion. Now think about this, what is the single most outside source of heat that effects the surface temperature on Earth? I am sure the readers will accept the only logical conclusion, it is the radiated heat from the sun. According to several reliable sources on the Internet, one of the ways to lower the amount of energy from a radiated heat source is by reflection. Even the most casual observer will note that Liberace wore the shiniest outfits of any human in recorded history. After he passed away and his outfits were retired to the Liberace Museum, they were no longer exposed to the radiant energy from the sun, reflecting this heat out into space.

In order to stop global warming in its tracks, I have come up with a novel idea. Why not pass a law that everyone must wear reflective clothing based on Liberace's outfits? Everyone would be included, men, women, and children. The cumulative amount of heat that is reflected away from our planet will result in drastically lowered temperatures. No, I don't expect everyone to sing and learn to play the piano but just a simple change of attire. The lawmakers will likely have to fight some religious zealots who will insists that wearing flashy clothing will result in uncontrollable homosexual behavior. I have serious doubts this will be the case but to appease these fanatics I suppose a religious waiver could be given to these conciseness objectors just like they do to pacifists who don't want to fight with our military but expect to reap the benefit of freedom that so many patriots have died for. Besides, even if such a silly idea of a person's clothing determining their sexual preference turned out to be true, a generation of zero population increase probably wouldn't hurt the planet either. Now we would have to be very careful that we don't start a artificially induced ice age though and stop wearing glitzy clothes before the temperatures plunge to where life is unsustainable. To counter public resistance and keep us from freezing to death I suggest that the President start a regulatory agency, called the Bureau of Reflective Clothing, or BoRC, to regulate the number of people required to wear shiny clothes and the periods that they should wear them.

Like I said, I am not a scientist but it all seems pretty logical to me. Further evidence this is a viable option come from the fact that in the past, after a mega volcanic eruption, the following years are considerable cooler due to the huge clouds of ash reflecting the radiant energy from the sun and keeping it from striking the surface of our planet. But huge clouds of ash in the atmosphere also keeps crops from growing, pollutes the water supply, and just looks plain nasty which leads to depression in the population. So before anyone suggests trying to initiate a mega volcanic eruption simply because they are opposed to wearing glitzy clothing, the side effects outweigh any benefits. I hope the readers now see how important Liberace was to humanity and how he unknowingly may have saved our planet from extinction. This is one reason that the closing of the Liberace Museum is so sad.

[Henry Hawk]

I all I have to say is..........................................................GENIUS!!!!!

[Lester Sasquatch]

I all I have to say is..........................................................GENIUS!!!!!

I also have a theory that Walt Disney was one of many Extraterrestrial Life Forms, or ELFs, that live among the human population and he used cartoons as a secret method of communicating with his own kind. Cartoons remain an important tool in the ELF arsenal, not only to pass important messages, but to subliminally indoctrinate human children while they are most susceptible to suggestion. The ELFs plant one of their own in most all Internet forums, usually a member that spreads discontent by arguing and acting like they are an idiot but the truth is they are very, very intelligent. They are deceitful and love to lie. They would tell a lie about something even if the truth would help them. I have learned through my lengthy investigation that ELFs cannot stand canines, one of the few animals that can detect their presence, which is one reason I keep my faithful dogs close by. The ELFs are particularly frightened of the Pit Bull breed because of their loyalty to humans. It is in the best interest of the ELF population to have the ownership of Pit Bulls banned which is why they are always making up lies about how aggressive the breed is. Many of the victims of those seemingly unprovoked attacks by a Pit Bull are actually ELFs pretending to be human. If the human population knew the truth they would be terrified. This is why the government refuses to tell the people about these dangerous creatures.

[Sandy Eggo]

Maybe all of the fabrications surrounding bigfoot is actually an attempt to distract us from the real news! Not that I'm a conspiracy theorist or anything and you didn't hear this from me, but our government has been known to create smokescreens to keep the American people in the dark.