New Mobile-Device Purchase Makes Asshole More Versatile

[Sandy Eggo]

NEW YORK—Since acquiring his BlackBerry 8703c mobile device last month, asshole Robert McClain, 29, has reported vastly increased versatility, mobility, and off-site task-reassignment efficiency. The Credit Suisse executive and total shit claimed the new technology has opened more doors and become an absolutely indispensable tool for surviving in the "cut-throat world of high finance."

McClain never lets his personal life get in the way of productivity.
"It's amazing—I can make quicker phone calls, send more e-mails, and surf the web faster than ever, without being tied down to the office," said the prick, who feels "disconnected from the world" if he does not have access to corporate communications for more than four minutes at any time throughout the day or night. "And it's great for managing my schedule. Earlier today I booked a weekend flight to Vegas, set up a squash match with my buddy who works over at McKinsey, and skimmed some of [secretary] Gina [Wallach]'s e-mail requests for maternity leave, all while in line waiting for my wheatgrass shake."

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Ok, it's juvenile, but I thought it was hilarious.

[damfast]

we should make an infomercial!