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Tell us a joke!

Started by damfast, October 17, 2006, 12:58:57 PM

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damfast

#150
January 13, 2010, 09:25:57 PM
The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Mr442

#151
January 14, 2010, 02:06:33 PM
Recently a bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

The bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, got lost; and being a typical man  didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. he played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.

And as he played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, the bagpiper wept, they all wept together. When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for the car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full.

As he was opening the door to the car, he heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
Mr442

damfast

#152
January 15, 2010, 09:58:07 AM
 :biggrin:
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

damfast

#153
January 18, 2010, 03:55:05 PM
Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait..  Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket..  Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back and he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.  A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  There was that same damn snake with two frogs in his mouth.

It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

me

#154
January 21, 2010, 02:01:26 AM
 :biggrin:
Trump 2020

damfast

#155
January 22, 2010, 10:10:48 PM
President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

damfast

#156
January 22, 2010, 10:13:43 PM
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips move

Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honour.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: a bucket

Q: What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

damfast

#157
January 22, 2010, 10:18:08 PM
A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system...

• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

• Close your eyes and press escape three times.

• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

• Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

damfast

#158
January 22, 2010, 10:18:47 PM
a day in the life at the etch-a-sketch help desk...

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

damfast

#159
January 22, 2010, 10:24:22 PM
• Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

• Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

• Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

• I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

• Has your flight been delayed?
Hao Long Wei Ting?

• An unauthorized execution
Lin Ching

• I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

• He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

• I think you need a facelift
Chin Tu Fat

It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

andersonbrent

#160
March 09, 2010, 11:24:30 AM
Should a Child Witness Childbirth?

Here's your answer.


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.



Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted
him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.  Connor began to
cry.  The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place........spank his ass again!'



If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
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