Signs your child might be a witch
1. Your child asks to use the broom to cleanse, I mean clean, their room.
2. There is always a steak knife missing.
3. Your smallest pan keeps disappearing and reappearing, and always smells like ashes and potpourri.
4. All your candle holders are missing.
5. They now enjoy going to the fabric store with you and they want thread, ribbon and cloth of every color of the rainbow.
6. Their Christmas and Birthday wish lists consist of: a white or black full length bathrobe, blank journal books, window box herb gardens and a box of candles in assorted colors.
7. You just figured out that every full or new moon your child asks to have 3 friends spend the night; and strangely they are very quiet all night.
8. Your child now says "Merry Meet Again" every morning to you and whenever they leave they say "Merry Part".
9. Your recipe cards are disappearing and when you do find them you can't make since of the recipe since it doesn't require any actual cooking.
10. Your child has a new ID bracelet that reads something like "RavenMoon" "StarWolf" or "SunDragon"
11. Your child asks you one day for a compass, four pails of paint; blue, green, red, and yellow, so that they can paint their room correctly.
12. They insist that their first car be the color brown and have a license plate that says BROOM.
13. Thier pillows are now filled with all your potpourri.
14. You ask your child to rake up the autumn leaves in the yard, and they come back with a small stick and a large stick; which you later find to have shiny objects on them and unidentifable etchings.
15. Once a jar gets emptied in your house it ends up in your child's room filled with various objects like pins, needles, hair, honey, paper, and soil
Top 10 Signs You're Dealing With
A Wanna-be Witch
10. "I learned how to make a stoplight change!"
9. "Can you teach me how to make a raincloud come around?"
8. "Well, I saw this really cool Ricki Lake show on the Craft..."
7. "I'm a natural witch!"
6. "What do you mean, I'm not in ceremonial clothing?"
5. "You mean that you don't have a familiar?"
4. "I studied the Necronomicon. It was pretty cool. Sitting right there in Waldenbooks, I just had to summon Cthulu!"
3. "I sometimes hear voices in my head...they tell me that the Goddess is watching me and my parents are freaks."
2. "I'm an expert at Tarot/runes/reading auras/etc."
1. "I'm a warlock."
How to Annoy Wiccans
1. Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.
2. Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.
3. Rearrange their altar.
4. Clean their "tools."
5. If they mention Magick, ask them to explain...you never understood that dumb card game...
6. Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their doing.
7. Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.
8. Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.
9. Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.
10. Put on your best Billie Burke voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
11. Throw water on them and expect them to melt.
12. Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.
13. Lend them a copy of Liber OZ.
14. Take them to a Catholic Mass.
15. Turn their pentagrams upside down.
16. Recite good poetry during ritual.
17. Cast that circle counter-clockwise.
18. Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.
19. Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it...? Oh yeah, "The Craft!"
20. When they start talking about "the Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch.
21. See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask them why they know.
22. Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "an' it harm none" bit.
23. Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.
24. Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.
25. Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.
26. Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.
27. Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts...
28. Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.
29. Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca.
30. When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.
31. Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad'.
32. Remind them the moon has four phases, not three.
33. Men - wear amber and jet.
34. Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune.
35. Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'.
36. Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down.
37. Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss.
38. Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists...
39. Put fire wood around the maypole.
You might be a redneck witch if...
You use the rebel flag as the altar cloth.
Your pentacle is eched into a 57 chevy hubcap.
Your call to the god and goddess is "HEY y'all looky here!"
You refer to the god as Bubba.
Calling down the moon hears like "get your butt down here right now."
Enacting the great rite is a family thing.
Your chalice is an old mayo jar.
You don't use candles because tiki torches are so much easier to see.
Your altar is propped up on cinder blocks.
Skyclad is your normal attire around the house.