I posted this in my MySpace blog. I shared it with Cookie, and she encouraged me to post it here:
I've been thinking a lot lately. Remembering times that were both fun in my life and trying. Then a person with whom I chat on a forum I belong to prompted me to warm up my writing muscles. So, what better way to do that than to reminisce in writing?
I grew up in a musically diverse family. My dad typically listened to artists like Glen Campbell or Kenny Rogers. I remember a CD I made him a few years back that had both of those singers, with a sizeable tribute to Barbara Streisand. Yes, it was difficult to download those songs, but it was for him.
My mother, on the other hand, would be found most days dancing around to MTV while doing housework. MTV was the greatest invention in my mother's mid-life. I remember she would stop cold when A-ha's "Take on Me" video would come on the screen. One year we decided to buy her a Walkman for Christmas. She no longer had to disturb my studying siblings with her jams while doing housework. What she didn't realize was that she often would sing along to the tunes, in full volume. I still erupt in laughter whenever I hear "Our house...in the middle of our street."
Every spring we'd take our ceremonious trip to Kratz sporting goods in Jeffersonville to get my brother new cleats, batting gloves, donuts...My brother was the star pitcher at his high school in the early 80s. Kratz was a pretty dark store, overstuffed with sporting equipment, but the best part was the display of Gatorade gum perched next to the cash register. I always got a couple pieces to take home with me. But right next to the drive to get into Kratz's parking lot was the road that led back to the trash pit. My mother would sometimes get distracted while driving, and one particular day she turned into the drive for the landfill. My brother and I still tease her to this day about it. She was so embarrassed.
Halloween also brings back some fun memories for me. I can remember the year I dressed up as a skeleton. Normally I picked more girly costumes--okay maybe not, since I did go as a football player wearing my oldest brother's shoulderpads and jersey once--but this year I chose to be all bones. My middle brother who was a big kid in his teenage years, grabbed my previous year's tweety bird mask and paraded around the neighborhood looking like a big geek. He of course didn't get any candy, but he sure made short work out of my bag! I hated those houses that would make you sing for your loot. There was one house on Castlewood, the next street over, that we would avoid for that very reason. What kid wants to stand there and sing the alphabet!? Time's a wastin, jerk!
I love to sit and ponder back over my childhood. I'd say it was a pretty good time in my life, and riding the memory train back sometimes is a lot of fun.
Musings of a Personal Nature
This is really the first time I've spoken out about what I went through one year ago this weekend. Its been something I've not been proud of and have buried my head in the sand over for a very long time. I was able to sit and talk with my husband about it last night, for the very first time. I have grown. A lot.
One year ago this weekend, my battle with prescription drug addiction came to a head. Well, for the second time. I seem to have a quirk in my personality that makes me succeptible to certain things, and every few years, I seem to fall back down.
Yes, I had a big problem, and not very many people knew. At least at first. I was able to hide my situation from everyone close to me. My husband knew something wasn't right with me, but never in his wildest dreams did he imagine the truth. Until one night, on a Thursday, I decided to go out drinking, alone. I had managed to convince a friend to cover for me, since she did not want to go out that night, and I made the deadly combination of Xanax with beer, jagermeister, whisky...I was a wreck. I called home when the bar closed to let my husband know that "we" had decided to nap out in the car for an hour before "we" decided to drive home.
I awoke a few hours later, still in no condition to drive, but I was cold and uncomfortable. I had the presence of mind NOT to put my keys in the ignition to run the heater because I knew that act potentially could have bought me an OUI. So, I wiped my bleary eyes and started my journey home, via country roads.
I do not remember the drive home. I do not remember crawling into bed. What I do remember is my husband waking me at around 11 am screaming because the car was a wreck. One tire was completely shredded and the bumper was ripped to shreds. I had run over something in a parking lot, and my car had lost. He immediately set me down for an interrogation session, to which I was very little help. He soon enlisted the help of a friend, who took him to retrace my steps from the night before. After concluding that I had not done any property damage, nor had I hurt any person, he came home to find my still lifeless body on the couch. Knowing that by this time, I surely had to be over my intoxicated state, he began searching around. My secret was about to be revealed.
Family members were immediately called upon for my intervention. Emotions flared both within them and within me. My addiction took control of my life, my personality, demonizing me. It took a lot of very tough love to get my head out of my ass long enough to see that I'd made a terrible mess. Then the family became divided as to how to handle my situation. My mother had arranged for my 72 hour evaluation. My husband demanded things be handled internally and he take me away from all of my distractions for those 72 hours. They began to butt heads, when my father, who was working in Chicago due to Katrina, was called in. Being put in the middle, he could please neither party, and was heartbroken at having to be put in that role. In the end, he sided with my husband, assuring my mother that if we could handle this within family it was worth the effort. If that didn't work, then they would try it her way. This enraged my mother, who, for only the second time in 45 years of marriage mentioned the word "divorce."
See, I not only was hurting myself, I was tearing my family apart. I had split my entire family into sides, and this had never happened before. After realizing that during my very long weekend riding in the truck under the watchful eye of my husband, I finally began to come around. It took a long time for my mother to speak to me. She was very angry that I had done this to everyone, along with the stress of keeping my small children for me while I recovered. To top it all off, I had forgotten to pay my utility bill for a couple of months, and I came home to no power. I had forgotton to pay a lot of bills in my haze, and had to be bailed out once again from my family.
I've come a long way in the past 12 months. I have changed from someone you wouldn't want to know or be around to a more humble person. I have quit antagonizing people in all areas of my life, including forums. It's been a long road, and today marks a pretty special anniversary for me and I wanted to share. Please don't think that this is a ploy for congratulations because I do not want that. I only want to share with you and if my story touches the heart of one person, or helps one person to turn their own life around, then I've done my job.
Good job, Daisy--congrats! We love you, chickie! :smitten:
And I am very proud of you......takes some serious ballz to bring this on--good job! You got my respect, girlfriend! :yes:
It's amazing what we figure out when we truely look inside! Good Job my friend. :biggrin:
YOu know you are not alone...addiction is something shared by most...but you know about bringing this shit out here...not safe, not right...but your decision and I'll kick anyone's ass who says a thing about it....on accounta I like kicking ass now!!! LOL!!!! :wink:
I know. I've taken that into consideration. But I decided that I'm not ashamed, and if someone wants to put me down for what I've done, I'd simply advise them to take a look inside and see if everything there is perfect. I feel pretty safe. :)
As you should feel, Daisy. I am proud of your strength. :smile:
Daisy, what an awesome story! It takes a strong woman to lay all that out for everyone to read. I am so proud of you!! You rock, girl!! :yes: :bow:
Daisy, I read that story, and I remember it well. I remember trying to be here for you, and another member of the forum tried to be here for you as well, he knows who he is. I remember the phone calls, the pm's. When I finished the story, I had tears. I know the struggle you were going through. I don't congratulate you, but I applaud that you stood up and shared with everyone. I hope I never have to worry about you like I did a year ago. I'm glad you are still here to tell the story.
It takes a lot of stength to go through that and come out okay. It hurt and it wasn't easy, but you, with the help of your family did it and that actually made you all stronger in the end. Your story is a testimony to that strength and love. You're right, no one is perfect and hopefully we all can learn from our mistakes in the profound way you have. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thanks for the kind words, guys. Right now, every day is a reminder, but I think I'm so much stronger now. And yes, CC, I remember :)
You are women.......hear you roar! :wink:
My latest blog entry, titled "Out of the Mouths of Babes."
Children say the darnedest things. Just when you wonder if they ever listen to you at all, the most amazing thing pops out of their mouth.
I'll start at the beginning. Aaron is currently stuck in Chicago because an axle on his truck appears to have broken. I've told the kids that Daddy won't be home after all, because he is stuck up in Chicago. I briefly explained to them how it happened, and that Daddy was not hurt, but couldn't come home to see them today.
A little while later, after helping Aaron research hotels and having him decide to instead stay with his truck, I was on the phone with him, yet again. Willie, who is three, was sitting on my lap and asked to talk to his dad. He kept asking "Where are you, Daddy?" Daddy kept responding in silly answers that he thought might amuse young William. Finally, an exasperated little voice says, "No, Daddy! Are you in Chicago?"
Aaron hesitated so I took the phone back to my ear. "Wow," I said, to which he replied "Was that WILLIE?" After confirming it was, I handed the phone back to an anxious Willie, waiting to hear the answer. Aaron informed him that yes, he was in Chicago, and how did he know that? Willie replied, matter of factly "Because Mommy told us!"
Wow...they really DO listen!
testing the "glow" feature.
Hmm, oh well.
Its days like today that make me wonder how I'm still hanging on.
I think a pot of coffee was the only thing that kept my body in perpetual motion today, forcing me to stay on track.
Today redefined "boys will be boys." I have, in the short time I've been with them and not at work, broken up umpteen fights over one toy car (which is still never ending), had to teach my 4 year old how to break into the house when I managed to lock myself out without the garage door opener, and had a battle with my 3 year old over a song on the radio that did not even exist. I just can't turn on a song that wasn't on to begin with, especially if I don't have the song somewhere on CD. I do not control the radio stations, no matter how often I wish I did. Oh and let us not forget the butter spray incident. Five minutes in the shower--five minutes!--and while my 10 year old was "in charge," my littlest two managed to find my can of cooking spray I thought was out of reach and spray it all over my ceramic floors and my mirrored closet doors. Yep...it was one of THOSE kinds of days.
A little over a year ago, I'd have not made it past noon with the kind of weight I woke up carrying this morning. Knowing that I'm in the final stretch of Project: Win it all or Lose it all and knowing that I have less than 3 days to resolve the biggest issue of all. And I can do it. And I will do it. I finally let down my guard today and reached out for some financial help. It was excruciating, but I knew that I was on the fast track to Loserville if I didn't.
For one of the first times in my life, I took a big step in the right direction. I chose to face my dilemma head on, rather than let it rule me. In doing that, another problem found a solution. Two pressures off my back that quick. One left, and there is a solution somewhere, I just haven't found it yet.
But there's something else. The reason I know that everything is going to work out just fine is because I have faith. Maybe not your everyday church patron faith, but I know that there is hope out there. My vision isn't clouded with thoughts of "I'm going to fail...I'm going to fail." Its telling me "Hey, you're getting out of this mess!" This somewhat relates to a book I've been reading for a couple of years, that my husband bought me for Christmas (to which I promptly positioned the book on the "I'll read it when I'm that desperate for reading" shelf). I've read a few chapters, and the gist of it all is to believe positively (not just think, believe) that things are going to be prosperous for you and they will. The book goes into depth about even so much as clearing your life of clutter because it helps your concious allow the new positive things to fit. I'm really starting to believe this.
Now...if I could only get through to my kids!
I'm a firm believer in the power of positive thinking and I know you are on the right track!
Stay firm and don't be afraid to seek guidance with those you trust.
We're rooting for ya, Daisy! :thumbsup:
:)
And today I'm headed back to the one place on earth that gives me peace and calm within--Ligonier, PA!
Weird, I've never really heard of Ligonier...but, I just looked at my hometown paper in PA & look at this Obit:
Coulter
LIGONIER — William G. (Bill) Coulter, 82, formerly of the Jamestown area, passed away peacefully on Wednesday, Nov. 8, 2006, at Bethlan Nursing Home, Ligonier.
Daisy! You're going to be just 140 miles from my town! *sniff* We could've met up at a Shopping Outlet halfway in between. :-\
Ugh I know!! I think I'll be back in May, though!
Cool! When it gets closer, do a mapquest from your locale to Grove City Factory Outlets...it may be a tad bit further for you to drive.
Eh, I bet Pittsburgh would be more equidistant...
I just read your thing about your thing. Proud of you, Kid.
Thank you, Scump!
Ever get tired of the ups and downs life throws at you. Ever wish you could just hang out in the plateaus?
I miss "boring." I would give anything to be bored. Its never going to happen.
Its no secret that I've had drama out the wazoo as far as cash flow goes. I don't know why things seem to be so difficult, when we bring in roughly $5200 a month, not counting my commission checks. One would think it would be smooth sailing in my household, but it never is. My account was so upside down that when Aaron discovered it last week, I was at first sickened, but later much relieved. The weight of carrying that burden alone was finally lifted and things seemed to be much brighter.
Then, once again, he lost his job. Yep, the same job that he was called back to on November 1st. I was afraid it would happen; in the back of my mind I knew it. But when it happened, and for no good reason, that dark cloud came rushing back.
Of course, he wasn't left completely high and dry, or so we were told. Because, once again, it wasn't his "boss's" decision, "Boss" was going to pull some strings to get him a job with the company who they were hauling for. Pie in the sky promises, yet again, because what he was told of course isn't what is happening. Skipping a week of pay is just not an option for us, but that is what we are looking at happening.
The crap that I have to pay in the next couple of weeks is piling up, fast. Each new bill seems to be 50% higher than the last. I think I'm going to start selling my arms and legs, just to make it.
I just wish life would pick another person to play headgames with. After the drama of finding out we're going to lose the house we've been trying to buy, then finding out MAYBE there is a chance, and then this...my mind is swimming in stress. When does it all end, and when do I get to just relax?
Sorry to once again pour out all my troubles in here, but I have to get it out somewhere, right?
Oh, girlfriend, you already know about life in the plateaus--time to call a Sherpa and get yer ass down to base camp!
I hate that Aaron lost his current job--again :rolleyes: so now it is time to really sit down and get your priorities together. It's never too late to get a handle on your finances. When we wanted to buy our house, I worked 3 jobs to get the earnest money for the down payment. Almost killed me but damn, I sure did look good in my jeans! :smile:
Do what you have to do--you got little ones to think about, girl! You can do it--You are Woman !! LOL
And you are NOT going to lose the house, do you understand me? :yes:
Thank you, Tallulah. I keep telling myself that, too.
Its not really an issue of money -- well, other than needing $17,000 or better credit scores (me) or more lines of credits on a fairly weak score (Aaron). Even with as much crap as we pay for, our debt to income is roughly 20%. I don't see how, but that's what our broker/Aaron's buddy was telling us. Wow. Okay. So one of the solutions that Matt (broker buddy) gave Aaron is to go buy a car. Now. Buy some used car in the 7-8,000 range to have that line of credit showing. We have no credit cards, one small personal loan, and that's it. He doesn't have enough revolving credit, and I guess its easier to buy a car than a house, and if he takes out a small loan to make a downpayment on a preowned Honda or something decent, that'd kill both birds with one stone.
So...we'll see what happens. I think he and I are both certifiable. He loses his job, wont start the new one till Monday, we are ready to lose our house and have until March 31 to pull it together, so we are going to buy another car? Seems nuts, doesn't it?
Absolutely nuts--please go to DaveRamsey.com--pleeze! You don't need any more debt--time to figure out how to get outta debt and you can do it! Take a deep breath and really think! You're a smart girl--(and a skinny one, too!) don't make the wrong decisions, ok? New cars are bad, ok? (Channeling South Park)
But according the banks, we're not in ENOUGH debt...
We had converted to a cash-only system for a long time. I loved it. Other than student loans and some old medical bills that I kinda sorta neglected.....um....we had no debt. If we do this, we'll pay it all off before summer. Somehow. Money isn't too much of an object, as long as he keeps working and I don't fuck up and have to cover my ass...lol...but I don't think $17,000 is going to come easy. I could probably have put together $10k by 3/31 but
Oh I don't know. I'm rambling now!
Banks need you to stay in debt--how do you think they make their money?
Let's work on getting hubby back to work and getting through the holidays--and YOU not losing your mind! :smile:
Yeah no joke.
He starts one of 2 jobs Monday. Good thing, because I have picked out 2 new houses...LOL
2 jobs? Oh my--I guess I need to send you my Amish cookbook--thousands of ways to feed a man who never stops working :rolleyes:
Err, I mean he'll start one or the other. LOL...no way can he drive 2 semis at once. He's good, but not THAT good! LOL
Daisy,
Just read about your addiction and the intervention by your family. Good for you in kicking the demon. One year is certainly worth celebrating. You're definitely over the hump now. I'm glad you shared this. There is a saying in AA: We are only as sick as our secrets.
And I also applaud the non judgemental responses from the other posters. Believe me, there are boards where that wouldn't happen.
Now, that you're clean, carry the message to those who still suffer. Everyone can use a success story to give them motivation.
Thank you for your kind words, tootallannie. It has been a year of growth for me, and though sometimes my Hubby is tired of talking about what happened, its good for me to get it out and remind myself of how far I've come.
Here you go, Daisy. A virtual NA survivor lapel pin for you. :)
(http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n210/redbrushdog/lapelpin.jpg)
Quote from: ~Daisy~ on December 05, 2006, 11:43:08 AM
Thank you for your kind words, tootallannie. It has been a year of growth for me, and though sometimes my Hubby is tired of talking about what happened, its good for me to get it out and remind myself of how far I've come.
"Channeling Eric"--Daisy said come!!!!!!!!!! :biggrin:
Hahaha nice...
Thank you for that lapel pin! :)